| Re: Flow by zodiac |
12-Jan-06/2:10 PM |
|
Cool. Is memory entirely necessary. There is another poem that is quite famous that ends on an abrupt fat portentious: Memory. It goes something like watching the ink from my pen on paper, ah memory. Alright I've forgotten where I heard it but it does.
|
|
|
 |
| Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo |
12-Jan-06/2:03 PM |
|
This has good parts that don't seem to hang together. The first four lines are very engaging. I would miss out fixing your focus (or put it later) let the lyricism of lines 6/7 come out 'they are' breaks up the flow. Something like 'in the high hedge/ brown like the ground/ and gray like' would be better imo. The second and third verses seem disconnected from the question put to 'the assassin in the grass. The last verse is weak compared to the rest, the sentiment is a bit cliche-ey.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~> |
12-Jan-06/1:49 PM |
|
This is a terrible liberty. :(
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Tulip by richa |
12-Jan-06/1:46 PM |
|
a fish. What did you think it was.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on The chestnut by richa |
11-Jan-06/3:39 AM |
|
I agree but I wanted to shake off its regimented shape. Is it the bits I missed out that ruin it or the new form.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Tulip by richa |
11-Jan-06/3:34 AM |
|
I'm not entirely happy but it has been a while so I thought I'd put one on p/r. How about the first two lines. I meant 'that' as in 'for it is the case' as a way to explain the statement 'he has poor taste'. Does it need punctuation between l1 and l2.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Uncontrolled scribblings one luch break by Nicholas Jones |
11-Jan-06/3:27 AM |
|
I've been doing the same as Nicholas the Jones. That and trolling the internet on messageboards which is great fun and a terrible waste of my evenings.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Flicking by INTRANSIT |
10-Jan-06/4:03 AM |
|
Third stanza would replace 'all the while keeping my eyes fixed' with 'my eyes fixed'. Might shift up and roll on a bit. Otherwise you have 4 words to 4 lines.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Uncontrolled scribblings one luch break by Nicholas Jones |
10-Jan-06/3:50 AM |
When will the images come/And where will (they) come from.
A damp day confounds the season(s)
Or so my colleague(s) say; Or so my colleague says;
The whole See such vulgar people as footballers./ Or so my colleague say;/I canât recognise the overpaid fuckers. I quite cack handed.
Sorry if that was fallacious/and I was pathetic. is a play on pathetic fallacy but why is fallacious the correct word for this poem.
|
|
|
|
| Re: I, Ann Boleyn by http://mulberryfairy |
10-Jan-06/3:45 AM |
|
Ace. You don't have to mention the conception of an heir bit, that is implicit in the whole Henry VIII and Anne boleyn simile. I don't think the repetition of callused works either. If the man works trucks let the reader work out where the calluses come from.
|
|
|
|
| Re: not to settle for less than almost obliteration by ay deee |
15-Nov-05/2:28 PM |
If you give the instance you should not have to state the theme, it should be obvious.
Pushing too hard is not the best word choice to describe letting a fire get out of control.
Put 'it' back together; the only 'it' in this poem is the fire.
Strong glue to fix something that is burnt is unapt.
I like the rest of it though. It has a decent spine.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Racism by Dovina |
15-Nov-05/2:18 PM |
|
The inference that agreeing was somehow important.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Racism by Dovina |
15-Nov-05/6:17 AM |
|
Was that your first answer? :(
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Racism by Dovina |
14-Nov-05/11:56 AM |
|
If I were to put a hundred and twenty anthropologists in a bag. Forty believing there was such thing as race and eighty believing there was not. How many anthropologists would I have to pull out to be sure of at least two agreeing. In the light of this is your correspondence with DA really worth a 'at least we agree... that is more than your average'?
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on To The Modern Black Standard by ALChemy |
8-Nov-05/4:35 AM |
|
Of course it is all black people. Black is a term that refers to all black people. Do you think black swan refers to all black swans except peter the black swan. Are you mad.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on To The Modern Black Standard by ALChemy |
8-Nov-05/4:33 AM |
|
That you write a poem to be anti-racist and because of your own racism it turns out to be appallingly racist is ironic. It is not ironic when I comment you fail. By the way don't you think rain on your wedding day is ironic. I do.
|
|
|
|
| Re: I LOVE A PROSTITUTE by Bhaskaryya |
8-Nov-05/4:12 AM |
|
Well written. Get rid of the inversion (I shall hesitate not etc) and the I'e whatever that means and the whom. You are quite the precocious talent.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on To The Modern Black Standard by ALChemy |
8-Nov-05/3:59 AM |
|
What do I get from writing a witty comeback against an ass. Oh, glory me, I have defeated an ass.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on To The Modern Black Standard by ALChemy |
8-Nov-05/3:57 AM |
|
Is it all black people that talk like that. Is we will talk when black people stop doing x a reasonable response to a black person who has never said bitch in his life.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on To The Modern Black Standard by ALChemy |
8-Nov-05/3:53 AM |
|
|
|
