| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Sep-03/8:56 AM |
the use of words like latent and vale sound a little dated and poetry by numbers. And as this has a didactic style it is difficult in parts to connect to.
Like this poem overall, the varied use of language is refreshing
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| Re: Black & White by Irischer Junge |
9-Sep-03/9:03 AM |
this poems major problem is that it is so dull.
If you could fit something interesting into the nicely constructed verses it would be OK.
vis a vis the last line, am I to believe that usually the only way you get so much 'glee' is if you have more than one girl?
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| Re: Insight by Moniquesuvee |
9-Sep-03/9:06 AM |
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Last two couplets are too 'mushy'. The first two are rather good. I like the semi-surreal quality
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| Re: Help The Aged by Mr Pig |
9-Sep-03/9:17 AM |
'atonic lips' and other such rare usage words are not really needed.
The best parts of this poem are the little insights:
the dead mans plant (old people tend to live longer if they are given a plant to look after by the way)
the he is good 'adjusted'
the alms house, that looking after the old is 'charity' and not the responsibility of everyone.
a good piece
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Sep-03/9:24 AM |
the ex-foli-ate sounds a bit like a dalek, and I am not sure many rock stars could sing a song about exfoliation with a straight face, but as a poem I like it.
'we undercut ourselves' and 'thorny blooms' are my favourite bits.
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| Re: Style by Nicholas Jones |
11-Sep-03/12:31 PM |
good this,
the last verse does get a little rantish, I do like the last line, kind of forelorn I think.
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| Re: maternal-infant bonding (rejection) by SupremeDreamer |
11-Sep-03/12:34 PM |
like this,
kind of rough, remorseless talking to the reader.
like punk/ like beat.
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| Re: Can you comment and vote? by LuckyJoe |
16-Sep-03/7:19 AM |
I'll give you a zero if you really want.
I guess you want comments on your 'serious' poems rathey than this one right?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Sep-03/5:12 AM |
Not sure how you will get home following the stars.
But anyway quite a good poem, the first two lines are a bit naff, but the half-rhyme of stars and home time sets the rhythm well.
repetition of dreams and father could do with getting rid.
Like the mention of immigrant boys/fathers shoes as it gives the poem a definite place
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| Re: Man & Woman by Mona Lisa |
18-Sep-03/5:15 AM |
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Like the logic of this, the play on words, the two different follows
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| Re: Calm In The Face Of A Hurricane by scitz |
18-Sep-03/5:17 AM |
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| Re: The Cock crows a rooster deep by The_Third_Isis |
18-Sep-03/5:29 AM |
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creative, very vivid, the ubiquitous 'crashed planes' but also some nice new figures like 'calderas four fingers'
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Sep-03/5:33 AM |
like this, the first half is bordering on confessional,
the second half has a definite voice like that of a dominatrix.
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| Re: reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote |
18-Sep-03/5:36 AM |
Good this, very tight, very snappy. Given a sharp voice
almost irreverent.
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| Re: help me love the U S A by crwncka1 |
18-Sep-03/5:39 AM |
all dogma and unargued but I quite like this.
Makes you think, has a good pace, better variety of language than usual
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Sep-03/7:19 AM |
not rich with insight, but I would agree with the sentiment.
I think you communicate the light on dark of it ok, but I always thought the moon would be a she
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| Re: on the edge of creation by nentwined |
18-Sep-03/7:30 AM |
Good this,
Like the '/s' and the brackets, a worthwhile experiment with language.
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| Re: Man & Woman by Mona Lisa |
18-Sep-03/11:20 AM |
I prefer the first one even though it was not strictly a haiku. (3rd line what follows is neither)
As for 'all women', I did think that was a bit generalist. But the power of this poem is its logic how the 3rd line concludes the premises of 1 and 2.
Sorry I can't help
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| Re: Man & Woman by Mona Lisa |
18-Sep-03/12:05 PM |
the 6-7-6 one was better.
Now the first line sounds like all women rather than all they want.
And the third destroys the flow a bit.
Sorry I couldn't help, maybe if you put the first version on and asked for help someone might have an idea
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| Re: Red by Brittanyy |
21-Sep-03/2:15 PM |
OK, the sentiment of building dreams on interpretations and looking for something to care for in somebody else, at least attempts to explore.
the words are not necessarily poetic, and supress what rises in me is a bit kind of psychobabble, and loneliness my only companion has been used so many times before.
But as I said it is OK, not bad even
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