| Re: Henrietta IV by A. Nomaly |
11-Dec-03/3:09 PM |
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Good this, again though the last line should be your power punch and 'adoring them' isn't there. The poem certainly strikes a chord.
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| Re: The Thomas Brown Affair by SupremeDreamer |
16-Dec-03/6:25 AM |
quite funny, a haiku is supposed to have more depth though preferably with natural imagery.
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| Re: The Thomas Brown Affair by SupremeDreamer |
16-Dec-03/6:26 AM |
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title: a dead man on being dead or confessions of a dead man.
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| Re: For Lauren by BiggRobb |
16-Dec-03/6:29 AM |
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Needs a few clues as to what actions were wrong
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| Re: it's all quite obviously one big joke by somemorepoetry |
16-Dec-03/6:35 AM |
A human life is six feet deep is not very subtle, and water licks the concrete I would associate with the shallow end (certainly not the deep end only).
Other than that very good, especially the flow and line breaks.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Dec-03/6:38 AM |
stain, moves house to house?
Do you have a mobile you hang on the lampshade? And it is not a stain but a shadow. Yes?
The last couple of lines are funny
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| Re: Rebel Spirits by miraclemaker |
16-Dec-03/6:46 AM |
good this, my favourite lines being: 'unfortunate in their isolation/of any form of education.' and 'beating immigrants with broken English'
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| Re: water damage by skaskowski |
16-Dec-03/6:49 AM |
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good play with words, needs more though
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| Re: high school tragedy number six by FreeFormFixation |
16-Dec-03/6:50 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Dec-03/6:52 AM |
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jigsaw surely, could do with a dictionary though, the spelling is offputting (unless it is some anti-war message).
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Dec-03/6:59 AM |
The art upon your face is too vague. Art can be elephant dung paintings, a pickled cow, a picasso!!
Scrap I embrace my own body, it distracts the ready.
A pleasant fuzzy tone though
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Dec-03/8:07 AM |
Like the first three verses.
Interesting, seems to be alluding to the perception of an artist - the surreal (L2) and abstract (the sunset in L8) becoming synonymous, so too dreams (L1) and the painting of a sunset.
Of course if you replaced real with natural world, then it would not be an artists painting at all.
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| Re: bonsai by richa |
16-Dec-03/8:09 AM |
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changed the hacksaw in edit
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
17-Dec-03/8:05 AM |
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No no no! You must deserve your infamy
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| Re: In my train-IN by ShaNoN+960317485 |
17-Dec-03/8:59 AM |
cute, could do with being less dense on the page, some stanzas and punctuation maybe.
The rhythm is the best thing
'sit I must'? perhaps: I must/sit yawning, rubbing scuffling my rump.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Dec-03/1:12 PM |
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Not sure I understand where insinuation comes from. Other than that damn ace, especially the line breaks and continuity.
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| Re: I smell coffee by Princess_Snowflake |
19-Dec-03/8:33 AM |
Too much redundancy, shame because at least you tried to deviate from the usual addiction poems on this site.
'i am a coffee addict/i will drink more of it/ until my toes fall off.
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| Re: I Love You by Blindpoetry |
19-Dec-03/8:39 AM |
All the do and too rhymes are pointless.
try - seeing your face/makes me want/that long kiss - for the first four lines (kiss even half-rhymes with face).
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Dec-03/7:44 AM |
Very good, like the alliterations.
A couple of picks:-
Skeletal and flotsam are too eccentric words, they disrupt the flow of sounds and thought. And unconnected soul is perhaps an assertion too far (are souls not supposed to be indivisible).
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| Re: 7th one about Jon by Plaidypus |
23-Dec-03/7:47 AM |
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'i am the peach pit (pith/stone?)/spit out' Is the best line, needs more like that though.
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