Here's how it is: I like the content very much, but the timing is dodgy in places. For example change line 10 to simply 'leaving regrets', have a look through it and you will see what needs reducing. I expect you will reedit this one too so shall save my vote for the time being.
on Expectant by Bobjim the II
29 Apr 2003, 10:30 AM
No.
on Baby-sitting by Bobjim the II
29 Apr 2003, 10:29 AM
No.
replying on Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger
29 Apr 2003, 10:28 AM
I will look into it, but I think that the spellcheck on Word said it was wrong. Then again, I could be mistaken.
replying on Death Of A Rose (New draft) by Mr Pig
27 Apr 2003, 6:43 AM
I see serious potential here...
Damn those prawnes. Damn them!
Damn those prawnes. Damn them!
replying on Death Of A Rose (New draft) by Mr Pig
27 Apr 2003, 6:42 AM
I think this version is perfect. The imagery is all there (assuming 'imagery' is a word and not something I've just made up).
Having taken another look, you have one more syllable to play with (I probably sound really pedantic here; I'm sorry because I don't mean to).
Petals fall like torn tears
Dark arid earth is washed
In beautiful blood
Your one is equally good, probably better.
Can I make a request? Do a collection of haikus telling some sort of story, or something like that. You are the three-line master as far as I'm concerned.
10
Having taken another look, you have one more syllable to play with (I probably sound really pedantic here; I'm sorry because I don't mean to).
Petals fall like torn tears
Dark arid earth is washed
In beautiful blood
Your one is equally good, probably better.
Can I make a request? Do a collection of haikus telling some sort of story, or something like that. You are the three-line master as far as I'm concerned.
10
replying on Procession by Fear of Garbage
27 Apr 2003, 6:35 AM
Ever heard 'The Undertaker's Lament'?
on Procession by Fear of Garbage
27 Apr 2003, 6:34 AM
Strange, yet beautiful in a weird kind of way.
I wouldn't trust an undertaker either. 8
I wouldn't trust an undertaker either. 8
replying on Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger
27 Apr 2003, 6:31 AM
Well, thanks for the info. Where has this been done on TV, just out of curiosity?
Any advice for improvements, whoever you are?
Any advice for improvements, whoever you are?
replying on Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger
27 Apr 2003, 6:27 AM
How's this:
Well, although she longed for a Prince
My three gifts of happiness, friendship and a
'Get Out Of Jail Free' card
Went unrecognised
Intercepted, perhaps, by the scheming witch downstairs
Either way, I had a kingdom to manage...
Thanks for your continuing advice, hopefully this poem will reflect it. I'll carry on working on this one and edit it a couple more times, and appreciate all the feedback I get. Thanks all.
Well, although she longed for a Prince
My three gifts of happiness, friendship and a
'Get Out Of Jail Free' card
Went unrecognised
Intercepted, perhaps, by the scheming witch downstairs
Either way, I had a kingdom to manage...
Thanks for your continuing advice, hopefully this poem will reflect it. I'll carry on working on this one and edit it a couple more times, and appreciate all the feedback I get. Thanks all.
replying on Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger
26 Apr 2003, 4:31 AM
I'm not sure that god'swife classes herself as anybody's coach, but she gave me a lot of help with this one. However so have you with other poems of mine so I should say thank you to you as well.
(Thanks INTRANSIT!)
You're right that the woodsman part was supposed to inject a bit of life into it...and I'll have a look at making it appear less as though I was giving up.
Thanks for your thoughts on this, I think it'll need editing a few more times before it's complete.
(Thanks INTRANSIT!)
You're right that the woodsman part was supposed to inject a bit of life into it...and I'll have a look at making it appear less as though I was giving up.
Thanks for your thoughts on this, I think it'll need editing a few more times before it's complete.
replying on I Am a Snob, or, 'A Definition' by JakeBike
26 Apr 2003, 4:23 AM
Why is this is the top 15?
on Jared Leto & Apocalyptic poetry. by Shardik
26 Apr 2003, 4:08 AM
Wow you really want to let your opinion out...don't let me stop you.
on Death Of A Rose (New draft) by Mr Pig
26 Apr 2003, 4:04 AM
Sorry, my friend Mr Pig dude, but this is two syllables over for a haiku. Perhaps if you changed 'lacerated' to 'ripped', or even 'torn' (to go with 'thorns' albeit badly) then you will be 1 syllable under the limit (this is beginning to sound like we're talking about drink-driving now). Then I reckon you could turn the first 'like' into 'as if' which would take you to exactly 17 and would eliminate the repetition of like. That's my opinion anyway.
Aside from that, I enjoyed this haiku, the laceration and bleeding was well done, and you got the element of sadness spot on. Good stuff. I won't vote now, I will let you digest my thoughts and decide what you want to do and hopefully later I'll come back and take another look.
Aside from that, I enjoyed this haiku, the laceration and bleeding was well done, and you got the element of sadness spot on. Good stuff. I won't vote now, I will let you digest my thoughts and decide what you want to do and hopefully later I'll come back and take another look.
on Where The Fuck Is Saddam? by scitz
24 Apr 2003, 10:24 AM
Excellent!
Where the fuck is our good friend Osama?
Where the fuck is our good friend Osama?
on Fighting erosion by INTRANSIT
23 Apr 2003, 11:38 AM
Hey Mister Truck Driver dude, I read the other one you just posted but I don't have time to comment on both, but they're both cool! This one esp.
I'm going to give this a 9
I'll be posting a new one soon-ish (hopefully) & would love it if you took a look and told me what you think to it!
Cheers anyway!
I'm going to give this a 9
I'll be posting a new one soon-ish (hopefully) & would love it if you took a look and told me what you think to it!
Cheers anyway!
I believe that I must go and revise my crustacean history.
Thank you my good Sir.
Good Evening.