| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Lost love (Free verse) by Mikius Pain
Shoots through me
Like some sword-wound,
deep in my heart
Someone has cut open my chest
But itâs not,
Itâs just love
Just maybe,
somewhere along the way
I got lost.
I love her.
I never meant
To hurt her so.
To scare her
or use her
Inside and out
Like something
Something to be used
No
I love her
Now she has left
Left me alone
With my thoughts
With my mind
Dark and twisted
Poisonous thought
Taking root
Evil
No
I never meant to hurt her
Or scare her so
I love her
I love her
Up the ladder:
Goin? Down Baby
Down the ladder:
Hardest Thing
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 2.6
Posted: April 28, 2003 2:59 PM PDT; Last modified: April 28, 2003 2:59 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.713913 Overall Rank: 11961 Comments:
So...
The structure is good, but you are not saying anything really. Where are the specifics. Somewhere????? Tell exactly where. 'I loved her'? How???? Tell me what you did hold her hand.... walk her dog..... read to her grandmother..... lick her pussy...... I mean, come on, what's your story???? 'she left me alone with my thoughts' so what? what the fuck where you thinking? That's what I want to know. I can't think your thoughts, show them to me. "I never meant to hurt her" Hoooooooowwwwwww did you hurt her? Scare her? Haaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooowwww? Don't tell me nothing, tell me something.
I think you misunderstand. My aim here was to make it unspecific, alluring to a feeling rather than a set place or time. I appreciate you comments, but it's not the direction I want to take the poem in. The idea is more of the man trapped within himself, talking to no-one but himself, and torn, cast aside. I feel someone in that state is to emotionally involved to look back and smile, or remind himself as he is plagued with self doubt.
Anyway, I appreciate your help and might consider doing something along those lines, but if you don't like this as it is, I'm sorry, but I don't plan to radically re-work it (for the moment, anyway)
With this I see promise, read what gw said and take it in, then redraft this. I won't vote this time round, I will let you edit it first.
Keep it going mon ami
Too much stolen imagery. Unoriginal.
196 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I OUGHT TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A DICTIONARY!