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Death Of A Rose (New draft) (Haiku) by Mr Pig Petals fall like tears,
The arid earth is washed
In beautiful blood.
Up the ladder:
Extended Stay (the motel)
Down the ladder:
Elegy
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Posted: April 26, 2003 1:55 AM PDT; Last modified: April 27, 2003 4:26 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.762059 Overall Rank: 1782 Comments:
I'm no haiku expert but I find this quite beautiful. My mind snags the petals on the thorns and they never reach ground though.
yes I would change lacerated too, it just seems out of place.
Overall though very delicate and in the spirit of haiku(if not quite the syllable count)
I love it! i think ill jot this one down in my little book. Though i cant give it a perfect score because of the whole haiku problem which others have already pointed out . but id love to see a revised edition!
spazmo
sounds like a really hyper sesame street character...
Great use of the word "Like". Sometimes a metaphor can be too strong, can't it? May I suggest:
DETH-ROSE Petals fall like bricks; piloted by vicious prawnes, they land on my face.
I see serious potential here...
Damn those prawnes. Damn them!
You can't blame the prawnes. They're just doing what they've been trained to do. If you had to spend six years in a Viet-Cong tiger cage, feasting on twigs and very small bits of gravel, then you'd probably be flying er... petals... straight into people's faces, too.
I saw a prawn last night eating snake skin, python to be exact. I find prawns to be... Well, even fouler then deer ticks and compulsively grooming snow monkeys. Now parrots, on the other hand, are more of a learnded and schoolasticaly appropriated pet for a genitalman. Prawns are however great eating with 'a butter' and collard greens washed down with an icy colded schlitz brewskydew in August as long as you have lots of thin and tan swim suit wearing peers smiling about pointless shit like sex and grades hanging around and blowing smoke up your arse. huh?
Ah, I do apologise...I stand corrected.
I believe that I must go and revise my crustacean history. Thank you my good Sir. Good Evening.
Hey man, dont mess with the prawnes!
Shut up.
Interesting, you seem to have changed the tone of the poem wildly by changing one word
very charming
I like this better.
Simplistic, beautiful and ironic - I loved it. 10
Petals crack, dust dry.
An arid earth wets its lips. Beautiful last time.
Eminence achieved in your comment
Petals from zuzu's hand
its not such a wonderful life Curse the prawnes that did this Now THAT is a beatiful haiku, even though its 2 slys over the seventeen limit, but hey if Mr pig can get away with it so can I.
how about velevted blood?
instead of beautiful?
This is stunning work! You are very gifted.
I like it, I see now why it rates so high. kudos
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Aside from that, I enjoyed this haiku, the laceration and bleeding was well done, and you got the element of sadness spot on. Good stuff. I won't vote now, I will let you digest my thoughts and decide what you want to do and hopefully later I'll come back and take another look.
Having taken another look, you have one more syllable to play with (I probably sound really pedantic here; I'm sorry because I don't mean to).
Petals fall like torn tears
Dark arid earth is washed
In beautiful blood
Your one is equally good, probably better.
Can I make a request? Do a collection of haikus telling some sort of story, or something like that. You are the three-line master as far as I'm concerned.
10