Sorry, my friend Mr Pig dude, but this is two syllables over for a haiku. Perhaps if you changed 'lacerated' to 'ripped', or even 'torn' (to go with 'thorns' albeit badly) then you will be 1 syllable under the limit (this is beginning to sound like we're talking about drink-driving now). Then I reckon you could turn the first 'like' into 'as if' which would take you to exactly 17 and would eliminate the repetition of like. That's my opinion anyway.
Aside from that, I enjoyed this haiku, the laceration and bleeding was well done, and you got the element of sadness spot on. Good stuff. I won't vote now, I will let you digest my thoughts and decide what you want to do and hopefully later I'll come back and take another look.
I think this version is perfect. The imagery is all there (assuming 'imagery' is a word and not something I've just made up).
Having taken another look, you have one more syllable to play with (I probably sound really pedantic here; I'm sorry because I don't mean to).
Petals fall like torn tears
Dark arid earth is washed
In beautiful blood
Your one is equally good, probably better.
Can I make a request? Do a collection of haikus telling some sort of story, or something like that. You are the three-line master as far as I'm concerned.
10
I love it! i think ill jot this one down in my little book. Though i cant give it a perfect score because of the whole haiku problem which others have already pointed out . but id love to see a revised edition!
You can't blame the prawnes. They're just doing what they've been trained to do. If you had to spend six years in a Viet-Cong tiger cage, feasting on twigs and very small bits of gravel, then you'd probably be flying er... petals... straight into people's faces, too.
I saw a prawn last night eating snake skin, python to be exact. I find prawns to be... Well, even fouler then deer ticks and compulsively grooming snow monkeys. Now parrots, on the other hand, are more of a learnded and schoolasticaly appropriated pet for a genitalman. Prawns are however great eating with 'a butter' and collard greens washed down with an icy colded schlitz brewskydew in August as long as you have lots of thin and tan swim suit wearing peers smiling about pointless shit like sex and grades hanging around and blowing smoke up your arse. huh?
26 comments
Aside from that, I enjoyed this haiku, the laceration and bleeding was well done, and you got the element of sadness spot on. Good stuff. I won't vote now, I will let you digest my thoughts and decide what you want to do and hopefully later I'll come back and take another look.
Having taken another look, you have one more syllable to play with (I probably sound really pedantic here; I'm sorry because I don't mean to).
Petals fall like torn tears
Dark arid earth is washed
In beautiful blood
Your one is equally good, probably better.
Can I make a request? Do a collection of haikus telling some sort of story, or something like that. You are the three-line master as far as I'm concerned.
10
Overall though very delicate and in the spirit of haiku(if not quite the syllable count)
DETH-ROSE
Petals fall like bricks;
piloted by vicious prawnes,
they land on my face.
Damn those prawnes. Damn them!
I believe that I must go and revise my crustacean history.
Thank you my good Sir.
Good Evening.
very charming
An arid earth wets its lips.
Beautiful last time.
its not such a wonderful life
Curse the prawnes that did this
Now THAT is a beatiful haiku, even though its 2 slys over the seventeen limit, but hey if Mr pig can get away with it so can I.
instead of beautiful?
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