Re: Before Departing by italenrico	30-Apr-06/3:17 AM
I like this. It creates an almost-complete portrait yet left me wondering whether you'd return or not. That uncertainty works perfectly in here to conjure up both an image of happiness and tragedy. I'm inclined to go with the latter mainly due to 'the child I'll never have'. That line, to me, is the most important in the poem. I have to admit that I didn't like 'tucking you in'; it felt a little un-arty in comparison with the rest, and is a very cliched phrase. That is the only thing I'd change though.
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	30-Apr-06/3:05 AM
This seems to be a tirade against someone with a very holier-than-thou attitude - in which case the only line I have yet to place firmly is 'An angel with a life full of sin', whether it's a different person to the one mentioned in the line above or, if as I suspect, it's about someone who doesn't practise what they preach. Someone who indulges rather than abstains. Good lines! I like the word choice in here, sufficiently nasty and vicious without being overtly violent. Also, the use of 'spit' and 'spite' so close together works well to invoke 'spirit' (ordinarily I'd be unimpressed by such repetition in poetry; here however it has good effects). So really, no crits that I can see straight away. Maybe I'll find something later but I don't feel very nitpicky today. 'Jesus hanging round your neck' is a superb line - such a contrast in the double meanings give it a wonderful ambiguity which I really like.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	29-Apr-06/12:35 PM
You know, one day I intend to be able to say "It's 1.00 am, here in India". It has a more exotic ring to it that "It's 8.30 pm here in Wales"...
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	29-Apr-06/12:32 PM
Well I'm technologically about as useful as a dead lemur so it's no surprise to me that despite doing everything kaolin tells me to it doesn't work. I've probably turned off something vitally important along the way. No matter, I shall get it sorted asap - the chat function would be a good place to congregate, for sure. The poem I wrote is (in keeping with my recent preferences) epically ambiguous. I'd like to think that people will read it and end up thinking 'he is totally for it' or 'he is totally against it', but what I'm afraid will happen is that people will finish it thinking 'what is he going on about?' I shall withold my actual ideas about it until after I've posted, and probably until I get the chat working. Righto, now I have to depart for a while, I'll catch you if you're still about later, if not, tomorrow!
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	29-Apr-06/12:11 PM
Shamefully I don't have the chat function operational (plus I have to go out fairly soon) however I will try to get it running for the next time you're about - I have plenty of questions about your take on religion (and not the usual critical questions either, I'm sure you'll be relieved to hear!) It might be useful for poem explanations too. How are things these days anyway? And have you seen ALChemy recently?
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	29-Apr-06/11:59 AM
Well I'm glad that you're enjoying the challenge; I've struggled to write anything vaguely meaningful recently so I resorted to 'clever' stuff instead. The problem being, as I've discovered, that it's virtually impossible to communicate ideas like this poetically without the reader having background knowledge of the themes. As far as Freud goes, I know very little. However, it's all about puns. For my next act I have a poem which you might find more to your tastes. How up to date are you with this 'gospel of Judas'? You'll be more interested in my next submission, methinks.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	29-Apr-06/4:39 AM
Okay, crits first: 'heart flutters' is somewhat overused and could do with being more inventive. 'Exhausted by the irritation' doesn't sound right...it seems to trivialise the subject, in which case it's unlikely that it would exhaust you. 'Incongruent imposter' is bordering on being an act of poetry, of which I've been accused on occasion too. Also, the start of the last stanza is a bit detached from the end of stanza two. 'An enemy' just appears and doesn't make me instantly go 'oh right, gotcha'. However, lines 3 and 4 are good, so are the first two lines of stanza 2 and the final line. 'Something which exists independently of my control' is maybe too philosophical although it works quite well. Hope these suggestions were useful.
Re: Arson by Roisin	29-Apr-06/4:29 AM
Here's a suggestion: given the first two lines you could easily turn this into a poem about cards, and use that as a metaphor for arson, which in turn is a metaphor for seperation. As it is, it's not a bad poem, but I found the final line lacking in originality. Referring to people as islands has been done to death, if you could find a different way of putting it I'd like it more.
Re: Throne by MacFrantic	29-Apr-06/4:10 AM
Okay, I'm probably waaaay off the mark here but this actually made me think of beggars. 'In shambles', 'trundles', 'the attire is simple and worn', 'the line that I ended', '(k)nights quiver' (shivering under a blanket) all work in this way for me. That having been said, it does carry a lot of archaic weight in the language which I like in poetry, and is spot on for the theme of nobility. The only word that didn't quite work was 'vainglory'. I know it's correct but I would personally have preferred it to be split to 'vain glory'. It would keep a certain ambiguity about it that way as well. Overall, top drawer.
Re: a comment on FISH by annadoc	28-Apr-06/4:24 PM
It doesn't go along with the syllable structure of traditional cinquains, although I like the idea. There is the option to post as a cinquain as well. Don't mind the comment from god'swife. Personally I have doubts it was even her saying it, but that same comment has been replicated on multiple poems in the recent list. Ignore it. Comment on other peoples' poems and try to get useful feedback instead.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/4:05 PM
I struggled with the title a little. I wanted to incorporate the Oedipal ideas with the mother tongue (being our subconscious language rather than our conscious native language). I was also trying to fit both interpretations of the poem into the title - therefore it is supposed to show both a hypno-psychoanalytic approach to working out the meaning of the dream, which ends up with the patient walking out on the analyst (mirroring the 'Dora' case), and also the dreamer discovering that the interpretation of their dream was accurate. Maybe I should change the title to 'Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams'. That might make it clearer. R.E. slips of the tongue - they are addressed even though they don't feature too prominently. It's in stanza 2. Many thanks again for commenting, my writing's in a pretty dire state at the moment and I need the help getting back on track.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/3:45 PM
Heh, fair enough. Somehow I seem to write best on a friday, I think it's due to actually having to apply my brain to thinking as opposed to the rest of the week. I tried to keep this fairly comprehensible; I am really struggling to write 'simple' (i.e. readable) poetry at the moment so all I am left with is experimental stuff. If it makes it any clearer, I really did dream of that owl with its butterfly wings. Hope to catch you over the weekend sometime, finally the ranker participation is starting to pick up again and things look promising. All we need now is ALChemy back and poemranker will be its usual self!
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	28-Apr-06/3:34 PM
Complete now, to my eyes =D
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/3:30 PM
Umm, well I was referring to the idea of the subconscious being entirely a language. Hence, dreams are not images, the pictures are merely what we create afterwards as a memory of a dream. He also thought we didn't hear in dreams, which, from experience, is bollocks. Slips of the tongue doesn't feature here. On one level it's about his theory that dreams, when from the language of the subconscious, are often based on puns rather than direct signifier/signified relations. Therefore the words are 'doubling up', 'near unconscious langue'. And there are others in there too. Question: did you find this written from the point of view of the therapist or from the point of view of the dreamer? Will have a comb through the punctuation.
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	28-Apr-06/2:54 PM
Fair play.
Re: Matthew's Bastard by Caducus	28-Apr-06/2:13 PM
Well controlled anger, and an all-round good read.
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	28-Apr-06/2:11 PM
Any time, your poems are usually a joy to read! How about 'break' or 'breach'?
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	28-Apr-06/2:06 PM
Actually, 'Till' precedes 'Until' historically and so is grammatically correct. You can use 'Til', but I personally wouldn't bother changing it.
Re: Through Poetry by newdawnfades	28-Apr-06/1:30 PM
Stanza two is good, however I didn't really find the piece as a whole stayed true to the title. Well no, I did...just not what I wanted from the title. That doesn't make sense. What I mean to say is that whereas this is a nicely-written piece, I disagree with the message. Poetry needs certain chains to turn it from train-of-thought gibberish into genuine beauty. As does all art. However, I do like it as a gentle read.
Re: a comment on 99% of the Time by TLRufener	28-Apr-06/1:11 PM
I'd suggest that if it's important to the text, you should incorporate it into the poem; otherwise leave it out. Generally speaking the only important extra text that needs to be included here are references to any other poem which you've borrowed from. I'm serious about not writing this in first person though. Make me feel like I'm the one not taking my own advice, make me feel like all this is what I believe. Make me believe it.