Re: Wombs and wounds by Caducus	5-May-06/10:55 AM
Hmm, not sure yet whether I like this or not. The setup is fairly simple but I guess it fitting for the mood of the piece. I'll have to reread it later before I vote.
Re: Cookies Won't Cut It by Sunny	5-May-06/10:54 AM
The penultimate stanza was incredibly evocative, reminded me indirectly of something I read recently. Will return to this later with a more meaningful comment, for now have a token 8.
Re: a comment on “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	5-May-06/10:26 AM
Any thoughtful poetry will inevitably end up more complex than you first intend, trust me on this! The fact is that I gave this a similar sort of reading as to what I give my own recent poetry; it's not just about reading what's directly evident in the piece, it's the subtler layers which carry most of the meaning. And really, this just backs up every time I've said that reading other poetry improves your own poetic abilities - after all, I wouldn't have been able to interpret this even a few months ago. So thank you as well for giving me the opportunity to do so. I said I'd return with a more detailed critique, here goes. You start with the eternal religious analogy of 'Black and white' which would ordinarily set the scene fine. What might end up confusing people here is that both the black and the white are behind the monks, seemingly making them neutral observers. I'd suggest changing the first line to simply 'Shades', which also carries enough negative connotations of its own to suit the context. Stanza three I found incredibly evocative and crammed full of religious imagery. The tree is the faith (in a not dissimilar way to my last post), the elements bending are the disciples of that faith, who are fanning (sort of stirring up, encouraging) the arms of a higher priest as if making an offering (and of course there is the direct description). 'Perfectly centred' I think refers to an idea of universal balance. 'Planar dirt' is another good play on words, with the two-dimensional 'shallowness' of the nonbeliever or heretic, 'sly whispers' carries that theme (wind/lies). The use of 'fans' works in tandem with what I mentioned above as well. R.E. 'denying fog' - I missed that, to be honest. I think it was the way in which it carried from the 'forecasted showers' (prophecies, I think) suggested that it wanted to be taken in its most literal form. Then you have 'brave soldiers', which clarifies your meaning, and of course the final stanza which I think is an astonishing play on not just words, but names - again similar to elements of my last post, and something which always scores highly with me in poetry! Well, there's plenty of material in here that I haven't gone over; I don't want to leave the rest of the rankers with nothing to do ;-) and there are one or two words which I'd change, but other than that, a highly impressive and thought-invoking piece!
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	5-May-06/9:56 AM
An explanation...hmm. First off, while there is a 'purpose' to this, I don't want to claim any attitudes towards the content of this poem. It's up to the reader to decide what I think about the subject matter. As for the poem: The tree is Jesus. The caterpillar is Judas. The whole thing is a fictional dialogue between Jesus and Judas before the betrayal. According to the new gospel, Judas had visions of betraying Jesus and told him so, to which Jesus answered that he would do so because he loved Jesus. This poem is about the fate of both of them, and the last line of each stanza should (with a little thought) tell you the purpose of the piece. Whether I am pro or contra Judas in the poem is for you to decide. Does that help?
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	5-May-06/5:30 AM
Good edit. Instant thoughts (I will have to come back to this later as I am pressed for time at the moment) are that the monks aren't denying the fog exactly, but their faith is the only splash of colour in an otherwise grey, monotonous world. And it could also suggest that the faith which is to some people ethereal and misty is in fact very tactile and certain to them. Love stanza 3, I personally would have used 'weathered' instead of 'aged' as a play on 'vain' (great play on 'vain' already there though, narcissistic yet thin and empty - I liked that a lot). I'm not yet convinced by 'purge through in their cloaks' (I don't think the 'the' is meant to be in there), although 'purge' fits the overall context it seems a little awkward in that passage. 'Stone that pierces' is a really clever line. I took it to be a play on 'Peter', the rock upon which the Church was built, and then 'Pierre/pierce'. That to me was superb. Right, have to go - will return in a while.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	4-May-06/11:54 AM
If I'm honest, I've been a little unfair on you all with this piece. It's really a 'context' piece, and was designed so. I wrote it in light of the recent announcements concerning this 'gospel of Judas' - but I wanted to see what people made of it independently of that knowledge. It was meant to be open to interpretation; I wonder how much easier you find it to read knowing where it came from though...
Re: Moon (edit) by Caducus	4-May-06/8:27 AM
Last line I think should be "tide's cataract leaves", however I'm wondering if there's a bit of extra wordplay going on there. Are you using 'cataract' in the 'downpour' sense there as well? Because it sort of feels like you are - particularly with the widow imagery, a woman crying at night maybe?
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	4-May-06/8:22 AM
A picture I prefer to avoid.
Re: Gale of Death (Paradelle) by MacFrantic	4-May-06/8:19 AM
Another good paradelle, I'd rework the end of stanza two: A Death of me in thunderous shrouds Solemn gale returns to shadow Or something like that.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	3-May-06/5:52 AM
I like the suggestions for the introduction (I wasn't happy with that passage when I posted it). 'Needle' was meant as a description of the leafless branches, I shall adjust that accordingly. I won't give the game away yet as to what/who the tree and the caterpillar represent but the poem certainly is set in biblical narrative. The cliche I wanted in order to make the characters clearer, but I'll change it to something similar. Thanks for your suggestions - as always they're useful to the project.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	2-May-06/3:45 PM
I took that bit more metaphorically, as the unadmitted fallacies, weak points and false starts in any theory. And I'm prepared to bet that if you searched hard enough you could find a story of a philosopher who did that. Probably a Greek one. They did all the cool stuff.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	2-May-06/3:28 PM
Just one? Damn. You could slap this label on almost any and it would work though. Now to post my new epic.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	2-May-06/3:26 PM
Good description, although there's a lot of cruciform imagery in the picture which you didn't mention. Am seeing it pretty well from what you've already given though.
Re: A predator’s Joy by Dovina	2-May-06/3:23 PM
Sounds like a dig at philosophers. In which case...very accurate, I'm sorry to say.
Re: Picture beneath the painting by Caducus	2-May-06/3:20 PM
Zombies, sodomy and paintings come together to make one of the most unusual combinations I've ever conceived of...
Re: We exit a theater nonplussed. I smile. by MacFrantic	1-May-06/3:39 PM
As with 'Guttural Responses' I am stuck for things to say...the sort of feeling you get when you're on the verge of understanding something big, and you know you are...but it's not quite there yet. As per usual your use of the language is very imaginative and inventive (I have yet to read a poem of yours which I didn't enjoy, even if I didn't understand it). I don't know if I've said this before but I find your poetry to be a vessel for the language rather than the language carrying the poetry. As such I shall give this a token vote for now, but probably return when I've had another couple of reads of this.
Re: Dying Rooms by longships	1-May-06/3:29 PM
Okay, this isn't bad but I feel it's one of those poems which needs to be done in a 'show, don't tell' kind of way. As it is you're telling, not showing for the most part. A greater effect on the reader would be achieved, I think, by instead describing what's there rather than explaining what it is (Yoda speech taking over there, sorry...)
Re: Upon a Visit to My Lonesome Father by mtk0630	1-May-06/3:20 PM
It would be unfair to try a critique of this because it's a lyric and without the music it's almost impossible to tell what the finished article is like. I will say that stanzas 7, 8 and 9 are superb and thoroughly enjoyed in their tragic glory. I'll also say that if you could iron out a couple of the somewhat cliched lines (there aren't many, 'lazy summer's day' is one though) it would be better. And I wasn't wholly enamoured of some of the word choices (the more archaic sections, for example) and sentence structures - however I fully accept that these are probably results of the form limitations and so I won't complain about them.
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	1-May-06/3:08 PM
Beautiful picture, the rhythm of this could do with a little work. I'd try to replace the non-alliterated passages with ones which continue the alliteration. The reason being that the breaks disrupt the flow and slow it down whereas when it goes quickly I found it reminiscent of the leaves falling. Maybe 'canvas' instead of 'branches'? I'll leave the rest for others to suggest on if people agree with me.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	1-May-06/2:52 PM
Thanks =D what you said about the first lines being more real than what follows them is spot on; same about the waking bit. Although I remembered the dream almost in its entirety, the owl was just a fragment (although the most important fragment) of a decidedly strange experience. Just got your email - I'll reply asap but am also stuck in academia (damn essays) so it may take a little while...glad you liked the story too!