on body image by http://mulberryfairy
25 Sep 2003, 7:54 AM
Way too many extraneous details before getting to the meat of this. Why start in the car? Why all the workout details? In medias res.
on The Weight of Civilization (Heavily Abridged) by Geschäftsreise
24 Sep 2003, 7:19 AM
Clever. ;)
on When my poems go platinum by horus8
24 Sep 2003, 7:11 AM
heh
on Brighton Beach by Caducus
24 Sep 2003, 7:09 AM
I love the contrast of old and new, and you pick some great details, Caducus. Seems a little jaggedy still and could use some honing, but you've got really a really good core to work with. I really enjoyed it.
replying on minotaur by Bill Z Bub
23 Sep 2003, 7:59 PM
like the concept--look forward to seeing what you do with it.
replying on Untitled (A Dark Angel Litmus) by Geschäftsreise
23 Sep 2003, 7:54 PM
>>apocopated rhyme: Rhyming a line end with a penultimate syllable:
A poem should be wordless
As the flight of birds.<<
Good resource re: rhymes here: http://www.public.asu.edu/%7eaarios/form
A poem should be wordless
As the flight of birds.<<
Good resource re: rhymes here: http://www.public.asu.edu/%7eaarios/form
replying on One Moment to the Other (v3) by nentwined
23 Sep 2003, 7:29 AM
"Emery" jarred me too--maybe dump the strict rhymes here and there and go for near rhymes? Would give you more options and richer word choices. Like the core idea of this a lot.
on minotaur by Bill Z Bub
23 Sep 2003, 7:26 AM
"Did work the daedalus machine"? (I know daedalus built the maze, but seems an odd way to put it.) Keenly rendered, B.Z.B., but it seems more poem fragment than poem.
on Intersection poetry by INTRANSIT
23 Sep 2003, 7:10 AM
Take it further.
replying on Untitled (A Dark Angel Litmus) by Geschäftsreise
22 Sep 2003, 3:52 PM
Thanks for the clarification--and the checkliste. It is magnificent and a true public service.
on Untitled (A Dark Angel Litmus) by Geschäftsreise
22 Sep 2003, 1:20 PM
Oh me oh my! A thing of beauty is a thing of beauty. May God's righteous rod (oh my) raise ye up (and down) and up (and down).
Ah--did you fudge a few marks you profess to hit? Where's the suicide or self mutilation, hmm? You fall a little short in the self-referential/reverential overuse of "I" (although I suppose--wait, really really very very good works, nebbermind). I don't know whether to give you a 10 or a zero--which would you prefer?
Ah--did you fudge a few marks you profess to hit? Where's the suicide or self mutilation, hmm? You fall a little short in the self-referential/reverential overuse of "I" (although I suppose--wait, really really very very good works, nebbermind). I don't know whether to give you a 10 or a zero--which would you prefer?
replying on The Banishment of Don Quixote by abecedarian
3 Sep 2003, 2:41 PM
Okay. You know what this means to you; you know its intent. Consider that we're not getting it and move back from it, go away and come back. Stop getting so attached to its elements. The lines that writers like best are sometimes the ones that do the least for the work as a whole. I'm not saying that's the case here, just that a little distance might help your perspective.
Here's what I get:
First two lines are fine, the bloody pool of innocence is a little much for me, but I can be too literal-minded sometimes. If it were mine, I'd probably go with "a bloody pool, [lost, only better] innocence. Cervantes head [propped] upright, maybe? "Held" makes me think of held aloft, like Perseus raising Medusa's severed head. by the only hand that remains true, a [betrayal] no author can leave unpunished ("An act" is so vague--betrayal at least makes it explicit, which I think you need here.) I still don't think the dignity & honor as false as "the face of romance is to its nature" works unless you give some indication of what you think the nature of romance is. Do you assume we all know and agree with your (unstated) definition?
Your key stanza, according to you--number three. You're right--it does hold a key to this, but the mock archaisms weaken it. You've established no precedent for them, and certainly no purpose. "There is now only murder as the pen, [stabbed, maybe, instead of dragged?] too deep [in passion on the page?] (by the way, it's fine to have two "ins" in a sentence, but silly to have an "i'" and an "in") destroys all beauty and substance [within?--therein seems so "legalese" and strikes an odd note here]
Last stanza still doesn't work for me, given that Cervantes is still famous--some other word than oblivion might seal this better.
There you go--some time.
Here's what I get:
First two lines are fine, the bloody pool of innocence is a little much for me, but I can be too literal-minded sometimes. If it were mine, I'd probably go with "a bloody pool, [lost, only better] innocence. Cervantes head [propped] upright, maybe? "Held" makes me think of held aloft, like Perseus raising Medusa's severed head. by the only hand that remains true, a [betrayal] no author can leave unpunished ("An act" is so vague--betrayal at least makes it explicit, which I think you need here.) I still don't think the dignity & honor as false as "the face of romance is to its nature" works unless you give some indication of what you think the nature of romance is. Do you assume we all know and agree with your (unstated) definition?
Your key stanza, according to you--number three. You're right--it does hold a key to this, but the mock archaisms weaken it. You've established no precedent for them, and certainly no purpose. "There is now only murder as the pen, [stabbed, maybe, instead of dragged?] too deep [in passion on the page?] (by the way, it's fine to have two "ins" in a sentence, but silly to have an "i'" and an "in") destroys all beauty and substance [within?--therein seems so "legalese" and strikes an odd note here]
Last stanza still doesn't work for me, given that Cervantes is still famous--some other word than oblivion might seal this better.
There you go--some time.
on The empty room by INTRANSIT
2 Sep 2003, 5:18 PM
I like this, Intransit. How about "his hair matted and gray" instead of inverting it--the rest of this is so straightforward that that line seems forced. Also, might want to make it a comma after "Jesus"--right now that dangly modifier means his hair has its face in hands.
on The Banishment of Don Quixote by abecedarian
2 Sep 2003, 5:12 PM
Maybe it's because I haven't read Cervantes in a million years, but I don't get this. Why does the Don have a forked tongue? What was the act that no author can leave unpunished? The head's dignity & honor? (Are we looking at a bust? a statue?) Why is romance's face false to its nature--and what is its nature?
Broad strokes but no defining features. What are you trying to say?
And Cervantes is famous to this day, so how did he "surrender his quill to oblivion"?
Broad strokes but no defining features. What are you trying to say?
And Cervantes is famous to this day, so how did he "surrender his quill to oblivion"?
on I'm Back! by wEdible Underpantsw
26 Aug 2003, 7:39 AM
bogart
on My Show at the Whiskey a Go Go on the 26th of August 2003 by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Aug 2003, 7:22 AM
Nights in White Satin?
The Whiskey--very impressive! Knock 'em dead!
The Whiskey--very impressive! Knock 'em dead!
replying on The Better of the Sea by abecedarian
24 Aug 2003, 10:02 PM
Oh, yes indeed! Nice edit! "Mephitic" is my new favorite word.
replying on stop poking me georges seurat by coolassbob
21 Aug 2003, 8:18 AM
Wine? Pernod? Absinthe? Assuredly. Dirty water? (Didn't he die young of disentery? Oh--nope, diptheria. Nevermind.)
on The Better of the Sea by abecedarian
20 Aug 2003, 6:00 PM
Well, I don't know why you'd have to be doing something "productive" other than sailing, but that aside:
There's good stuff here to be chiseled out. Too many modifiers. Why a "dull" permanance? How 'bout a "silent sail"? Lose "caring." Kill the ending.
space . . . i believe in . . .
jefry with one f, jef-ry
There's good stuff here to be chiseled out. Too many modifiers. Why a "dull" permanance? How 'bout a "silent sail"? Lose "caring." Kill the ending.
space . . . i believe in . . .
jefry with one f, jef-ry
on hermetic by Bill Z Bub
18 Aug 2003, 9:27 PM
Wow, way to lose a butterfly and gain a steel pin! Nicely done, Mr. Z.Bub.