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The empty room (Free verse) by INTRANSIT I was invited to heaven
and saw Jesus there.
He held his face in his hands,
he was sobbing.
Gray and matted was his hair.
I said:
"Jesus? What is wrong?"
He said:
"I don't know, nobody stays."
And then he sent me
away.
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#2 Entry from Chico, a stalker on Pico, Jason Bigg's lobster
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.4444447
Posted: September 2, 2003 3:16 PM PDT; Last modified: September 7, 2003 4:58 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.7222223 Overall Rank: 1882 Comments:
[5]
J.B. Manning @ 129.44.35.24
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2-Sep-03/3:50 PM
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Reply
hmmm
I like this, Intransit. How about "his hair matted and gray" instead of inverting it--the rest of this is so straightforward that that line seems forced. Also, might want to make it a comma after "Jesus"--right now that dangly modifier means his hair has its face in hands.
I can dig the comma. I wanted (hair) to rhyme with (there),I was trying a more subtle rhyme with this. I see what you're saying though. I'll play with it.
Oh looky! No more onesies-twosies! I must be gaining the respect of someone with pertinance. Ha! OW! damn that coffee's hot!
but you came? and i agree with hh about the inversion.
Doesn't sound like something Jesus would do. Must have been a bad day. Even the greatest philanthropists have their moments of self-doubt.
short and simple. i also think the inversion suggestion should be utilized.
though, im not sure about the message.. my first thought is: "god does not forgive. he is also sadistic, and left jesus in heaven alone." anyway, heres a 7.
oh yeah, "nobody comes" should be:
nobody stays. because you did go there.. but were sent away... z mentioned that.. bleh.
Changing comes to stays makes all the difference. Brava, signore! (Forget babelfish, I'm learning Italiano)
Jesus is omniscient, and therefore would have to know the answer to the question "Jesus? what is wrong?". The logical inconsistency makes it hard to believe this is actually Jesus. Is it supposed to be a Jesus impersonator or imposter of some sort?
my impression was that in his mortal guise, according to christian mythology, jesus has generally mortal limitations, other than the odd miracle. thus the separation of the trinity, or whatnot. have I been misled, or are there such significantly different interpretations depending on your sect?
"Doesn't sound like something Jesus would do. Must have been a bad day. Even the greatest philanthropists have their moments of self-doubt."
I agree...I do like away better than comes as well. :)
hilarious. :) 9.
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