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The empty room (Free verse) by INTRANSIT

I was invited to heaven and saw Jesus there. He held his face in his hands, he was sobbing. Gray and matted was his hair. I said: "Jesus? What is wrong?" He said: "I don't know, nobody stays." And then he sent me away.

ecargo 2-Sep-03/5:18 PM
I like this, Intransit. How about "his hair matted and gray" instead of inverting it--the rest of this is so straightforward that that line seems forced. Also, might want to make it a comma after "Jesus"--right now that dangly modifier means his hair has its face in hands.




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