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The Banishment of Don Quixote (Free verse) by abecedarian Lance broken
windmill shattered
a bloody pool of innocence
and Don Quixote cleaning his blade -
his cleft tongue newly born of
a snake's taste for blood
Cervantés' head held upright
by the only hand that remains true,
for the other has just committed an act
no author can leave unpunished - its dignity and honor as false as the
face of romance is to its nature.
There is now only murder
as the pen, dragged too deep i' the page in passion
destroys all beauty and substance therein
a depreciated legacy left forever unmended
as Cervantés surrenders his quill to oblivion
and stumbles away.
Up the ladder:
Dancers
Down the ladder:
Carl Jung And the Flying Spiders
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.285714
Posted: September 1, 2003 10:32 AM PDT; Last modified: September 2, 2003 3:09 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.9399323 Overall Rank: 1398 Comments:
[10]
Irischer Junge @ 68.58.223.182
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1-Sep-03/7:37 PM
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Reply
I like the poem abe. Creative title as well.
I can't believe anyone would give it a ten.
Fair enough, but your comment implies that you see no value in it. Do you understand what I'm saying?
do you see that the value is covered by many bells and whistles?
Maybe it's because I haven't read Cervantes in a million years, but I don't get this. Why does the Don have a forked tongue? What was the act that no author can leave unpunished? The head's dignity & honor? (Are we looking at a bust? a statue?) Why is romance's face false to its nature--and what is its nature?
Broad strokes but no defining features. What are you trying to say? And Cervantes is famous to this day, so how did he "surrender his quill to oblivion"?
- The forked tongue is from licking his blade
- "for the other [hand]... its dignity and honor as false..." - The act the hand commits is betrayal. - Also, read "The Depreciated Legacy of Cervantes". As for the false face of romance, that is meant to be cleared up in stanza 3. The heart of my poem is stanza three and I absolutely think it is one of the best lines I've ever written (predicts the 'which is not saying much' comment) This is one of those things where if you see where I'm coming from the entire poem is clear and subtle. Please please please if you could humour me I honestly believe that this poem is worthwhile (if somewhat viscous). Please give it some time.
Your persistent in saying the message is clear.. it isnt. its fuzzy. damn it, i told you! im not alone.
And you must work more intensely if you want your poems to be called "didactic" or worthy of being considered something that teaches. I DEMAND ELBOW GREASE! Teachers are sposed to make things clear, or atleast get the students to think. I think writing to teach is not easy to do, because we arent talking about science or math with direct facts, etc. We are talking opinion, metaphysics, philosophy, etc, which do not have direct concrete -FACTS-.. a better goal is to make people THINK, and to write poems with a subtle direction considering what the reader will ponder about. but thats just my opinion.
I never said the message was clear. I admit it is difficult to get at. I DEMAND ELBOW GREASE! :)
yeah, sure, its layed in subtle veils. bullshit. you offer nothing to clue anyone in on what your trying to say.
its all just the readers being too lazy to figure it out abe.. isnt it? your a fruit boy that is not very succesful at selling his fruit, because theres so many other fruit sellers.. yeah, your self love and "im so brilliant" thought process has turned you into goo. i had this problem once too, i got my head caved in afterwards. it was an unpleasant way to wake up.
Okay. You know what this means to you; you know its intent. Consider that we're not getting it and move back from it, go away and come back. Stop getting so attached to its elements. The lines that writers like best are sometimes the ones that do the least for the work as a whole. I'm not saying that's the case here, just that a little distance might help your perspective.
Here's what I get: First two lines are fine, the bloody pool of innocence is a little much for me, but I can be too literal-minded sometimes. If it were mine, I'd probably go with "a bloody pool, [lost, only better] innocence. Cervantes head [propped] upright, maybe? "Held" makes me think of held aloft, like Perseus raising Medusa's severed head. by the only hand that remains true, a [betrayal] no author can leave unpunished ("An act" is so vague--betrayal at least makes it explicit, which I think you need here.) I still don't think the dignity & honor as false as "the face of romance is to its nature" works unless you give some indication of what you think the nature of romance is. Do you assume we all know and agree with your (unstated) definition? Your key stanza, according to you--number three. You're right--it does hold a key to this, but the mock archaisms weaken it. You've established no precedent for them, and certainly no purpose. "There is now only murder as the pen, [stabbed, maybe, instead of dragged?] too deep [in passion on the page?] (by the way, it's fine to have two "ins" in a sentence, but silly to have an "i'" and an "in") destroys all beauty and substance [within?--therein seems so "legalese" and strikes an odd note here] Last stanza still doesn't work for me, given that Cervantes is still famous--some other word than oblivion might seal this better. There you go--some time.
thanks
what has changed?
I changed 'his' to 'its' in S2 ('its dignity' is more correct than 'his dignity). Also I felt like this poem is worth so much more than people have realized and I was hoping that at least one person would catch it.
is a knowledge of cervantes necessary to this revelation?
i have none, sir, but i will look again in the morning, hopefully with a clearer mind.
the outside knowledge necessary here:
- Miguel Cervantes wrote 'Don Quixote' - Don Quixote is the embodiment of romance
a drop of water doesnt relieve most peoples thirst.
neither does an entire bucket over time,
nor a brackish pond if they cannot purify it
so dq beheads his creator, in order to maintain his own existence?
but if c is beheaded--head held alost by dq--how does he stumble away, unless he's avian? humans tend to drop flat, not stumble once relieved of their head. is this what you were driving at? ai taking over? if it is, then man, you've got some bends in the road to get us there.
ah this is honest confusion...
DQ is in the book, Cervantes has just written a scene wherein DQ kills a bunch of people. Cervantes is so shocked at the incident that his held is held upright by his non-writing hand, because he no longer trusts his writing hand. the rest I won't discuss.
And by the way I appreciate greatly your effort. Thank you for humouring me.
no, i knew that dq was a character, but without a deep familiarity with the text, your message is lost on me. i have merely surface knowledge--to know the author, the character, the quest--
so, if you want to leave this poem to reveal its message only to those with cervantes fresh in thier minds, i don't see a problem with writing to an erudite audience. but you see, i am no dunce, and try as i might, i cannot unravel it. and, hatters hare is probably the most intelligent person i know, and she gave you some valid crit. i am merely trying to show you that you are not communicating clearly. where is the point in writing a poem like this, if no one gets the joke? maybe h gets it--he's a sponge for info. but, without more context clues--like the tidbit you left out about the head being held up--i am at a loss. you are welcome for the humor. i only wish it had transgressed into understanding.
Fair enough, thanks z
I guess I'll chuck this to the shitter then. Too bad I really liked it. But I guess that happens from time to time. The point I was trying to make is merely a question about the value of pursuing romance as an artform. 'for the pen dragged too deep i' the page in passion destroys all beauty and substance within'.
don't trash it. cut it apart. put it aside for a week, and come back to it. have a crack at it from a different angle--maybe dq's point of view? an imagined one, if not an actual one?
don't trrash it! the point CAN be made. introduce specifics--from the text or otherwise--to make your point. do not rely on the reader's knowledge, nor on abstracts to make your point. it's a good idea. stick with it.
z, i think we need to gather some comrades and smash abes head in. did you see his other poem? the computer mumbo jumbo? isnt that just filled with brilliance? aye? you, me, hatter, 3 people do not fully comprehend his message, we are lazy bastards z.. we are monkeys unable to grasp the mans genius..
he is so full of himself, that he wont discuss anything about his meaning, and im sure its an arrogant "you must figure it out yourself, i have laid it out there for you" its denial of an extremely ignorant sort. dont you think? am i an arrogant shit who just seeks to ridicule him? am i so evil? bah.
Mob mentality in appreciating poetry? I think you take me too personally. I never meant any offense to anyone, supreme.
I'll just leave all this at that, and from now own I'll just leave an explanation of my poems in the comments, and you can give suggestions to help me out or not. Have fun.
"Mob mentality" I suffer a extreme liking to the use of sarcasm. exaggeration, frustration, etc.. text offers many faces, im just a mask in constant remolding.
Plus, you got the point finally. no need to crack open yer skull and extract the holy secrets. ;P
that's not the way i do things lee.
ganging up on someone who is honestly trying to make you think--that's a poor solution. how many times would i have burned at the stake, were that the case? at least he is gentler about it than i am. you are not evil. you are hopped up about something, though, that's for damn sure. when was the last time you got laid? drunk? went swimming? anything? release, boy, release!
drunk, two nights ago. i spray painted some expensive cars. last fuck was 3 weeks ago.. swimming, well, i tried to drown myself in a bucket yesterday.
No worries though, my "mob solution" has been tossed for a more stubborn, persistent approach, that slowly, but surely, slammed my point through. I dont mind that he wants to make me think.. i just mind when folks become so brave and then do not wish to go the distance, resigning themselves to calm defense, i get all.. qwerky.. in other words, if its labeled "Coke" and i suddenly get "pepsi" the checkout clerk will suffer. oh well. its in the past now.
I, myself? Love to stumble, and do as much as possible.
fair enough
this line that you love so well is flawed:
as the pen, dragged too deep i' the page in passion i' and in are the same? how's: as the pen, heavy with passion, dragged too deep i' the page, gouged it, destroying the subsatntive beauty therein.
Is the fault you see the double use of 'in'?
Well tehcnically it is a double use, but that's the nice thing about the old school use of "i'", I feel like it negates that - allowing me a subtle break in the 'rules'. You don't agree? Thank you immensely for the help and suggestios, but I think I'll concentrate on other poems. I think this one is doomed to a singular success (my own mind). 305 view(s)
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