Poemranker [Replying] Fri May 03 12:39:12 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

The Banishment of Don Quixote (Free verse) by abecedarian

Lance broken windmill shattered a bloody pool of innocence and Don Quixote cleaning his blade - his cleft tongue newly born of a snake's taste for blood CervantÃ©s' head held upright by the only hand that remains true, for the other has just committed an act no author can leave unpunished - its dignity and honor as false as the face of romance is to its nature. There is now only murder as the pen, dragged too deep i' the page in passion destroys all beauty and substance therein a depreciated legacy left forever unmended as CervantÃ©s surrenders his quill to oblivion and stumbles away.

ecargo

3-Sep-03/2:41 PM

Okay. You know what this means to you; you know its intent. Consider that we're not getting it and move back from it, go away and come back. Stop getting so attached to its elements. The lines that writers like best are sometimes the ones that do the least for the work as a whole. I'm not saying that's the case here, just that a little distance might help your perspective.

Here's what I get:

First two lines are fine, the bloody pool of innocence is a little much for me, but I can be too literal-minded sometimes. If it were mine, I'd probably go with "a bloody pool, [lost, only better] innocence. Cervantes head [propped] upright, maybe? "Held" makes me think of held aloft, like Perseus raising Medusa's severed head. by the only hand that remains true, a [betrayal] no author can leave unpunished ("An act" is so vague--betrayal at least makes it explicit, which I think you need here.) I still don't think the dignity & honor as false as "the face of romance is to its nature" works unless you give some indication of what you think the nature of romance is. Do you assume we all know and agree with your (unstated) definition?

Your key stanza, according to you--number three. You're right--it does hold a key to this, but the mock archaisms weaken it. You've established no precedent for them, and certainly no purpose. "There is now only murder as the pen, [stabbed, maybe, instead of dragged?] too deep [in passion on the page?] (by the way, it's fine to have two "ins" in a sentence, but silly to have an "i'" and an "in") destroys all beauty and substance [within?--therein seems so "legalese" and strikes an odd note here]

Last stanza still doesn't work for me, given that Cervantes is still famous--some other word than oblivion might seal this better.

There you go--some time.

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