| Re: Paper Maker by Skamper |
24-Mar-07/4:56 AM |
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some good lines --- 2nd stanza's first words over-prepositional, maybe marry up a few lines? Love: "with shoulder-shrug cares"; "try to stick them/felt-tipped". Good.
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| Re: Prince of Void by Dovina |
18-Apr-07/12:01 AM |
I love the second line. I keep reading it. The word "bleak" is, uh, onomonapeida (sp?), yeah. Duh, you know what I mean and I won a trophy for spelling in 7th grade, but it phonetically intersects with its meaning? Is that the word? Or does that mean the word is the actual sound, like "beep"? God I love pot.
Also,I kind of see a empty space between the last two lines?
P.S. Funny aside: the first time I read this I thought 5th line read: "uncoupled from his sNoring"; hee.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Apr-07/12:16 AM |
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| Re: new clothes, same old story by nypoet22 |
26-Apr-07/2:48 AM |
do you mean castanets? (sp I think?) Like the finger cymbals? Or maybe I don't know what a castinette is? Serious.
Also, I love the last line so much. Could omit both periods.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-May-07/11:35 PM |
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Is this about me? Because I thought I told you not to tell anyone about the "ass to face" thing.
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| Re: The Editor by Dovina |
10-May-07/11:37 PM |
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drop everything except for the fruit stuff. LOVE: "their bent and pretty form."
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-May-07/6:58 AM |
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Wal-Mart demolished my childhood mini-golf course.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Jun-07/2:31 AM |
I'll give this a 1 even though you gave me a zero for mine.
Okay, a 6. Because flash and stash are nice words.
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| Re: Just Another Reason by Skamper |
22-Jun-07/12:05 AM |
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Just write the word "until" instaead of "'til" for greater effect..., also, not a big deal but offspring in line 12 needs a "f"... I feel like the last 3 lines deserve more? Maybe incorporate them into your very strong intro? 8
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Aug-07/2:12 AM |
I had to school myself Wikipedia-style about Senryu --
"SenryÅ« (å·æ³, literally 'river willow') is a Japanese form of short poetry similar to haiku in construction: three lines with 17 or fewer morae [typo in Wikipedia or omission? maybe someone can explain?] (not syllables) in total. However, senryÅ« tend to be about human foibles while haiku tend to be about nature, and senryÅ« are often cynical or darkly humorous while haiku are serious. SenryÅ« do not need to include a kigo, or season word, like haiku."
Anyway, I think I can hereforth only speak and write in Senryu. My foibles have been bursting to find a proper outlet, and damn, am I sick of writing those serious, nature-based haiku.
P.S. thank you
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| Re: Decks of Cards (So Long to the City) by wilco |
11-Sep-07/1:35 AM |
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i want you to kiss my mouth; it is pretty
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Sep-07/1:36 AM |
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No, thank YOU for the finger food, and I barely even ever make capital letters. yes.
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| Re: The Least of These by Dovina |
20-Dec-07/11:29 PM |
I repeated "a stranger warmly fed" a few times out loud. Good feelings.
Didn't love "as sickly kids in Pakistan" (to clarify, I LOVE those kids), but not sure your specificity there works.
Last stanza's first two lines are as striking and good-ending-y as it comes, but the last line seems out-of-place? Really liked this, thanks for making me think, inspirational. 9
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| Re: Radio Scan by Blindproject217 |
10-Mar-08/11:56 PM |
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I dig this. But check your punctuation...i.e. "I'll (line 11), it's (13), that's (14), it's (16), etc., and a few typos ("all the little things that I made me leave"). Dang, I'm a nitpicky editor monster now, but I only take the time because with some editing you've got something here. 8.
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| Re: In Limbo by Christof |
10-Mar-08/11:57 PM |
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Sticky thud/hammer stuns. Totally.
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| Re: Absurd Robot by Nepanthe |
10-Mar-08/11:58 PM |
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Make it less about you (i.e. "I") and let someone else dance to a cosmic beat. Love it. 9.
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| Re: I had no idea it could be so good by A. Nomaly |
28-Apr-08/9:36 PM |
This might be better in 4 lines:
circumstance and one gone away
in the next room, zebra stripped, cat
for a dream
and some Taurus, blank
or I don't know. I liked it so much I re-typed it. 9. Don't you miss the loudness of the electric typrwriter?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Apr-08/9:39 PM |
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I'm impressed, and read this 3 times, liking it better every time. That 2nd stanza two-line opening is stunning, the yolk to the albumen of this poem. Thanks for posting, and the backstory must be epic.
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| Re: Coffee or Love by Nepanthe |
11-Sep-08/3:14 AM |
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| Re: 9 Things to Eat for Breakfast & Why by A. Nomaly |
17-Feb-09/10:53 PM |
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