| Re: A Good Man Ruined by Dovina |
20-Jul-05/7:46 PM |
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tell me why buildable is awesome in the beginning and I will begin to care. I think you have a grand character sketch here if you give it another go.
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| Re: Showtime by INTRANSIT |
28-Jul-05/1:41 AM |
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You totally should have stayed up. Don't capitalize "cicadas." Also, I love this. 9.8
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| Re: Summer Song by wilco |
30-Aug-05/10:09 PM |
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A few suggestions: put the apostrohe before the s in "summers'"; say more about the girl - what does she look like?; use the word "linger" only once, twice makes me not listen. What I love: "All of the cars, black as they pass by your house"; "Satellites ride across the heavens like stars". 8.7
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| Re: Summer Song by wilco |
30-Aug-05/10:10 PM |
oops - i mispelled "apostrophe" - it still looks wrong?
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| Re: Song of the cannonball ( a drinking song) by INTRANSIT |
30-Aug-05/10:11 PM |
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I'll kis YOU with a powder burn! What a great line. You had me at "drinking song".
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| Re: 8/29 by cronus |
31-Aug-05/12:10 AM |
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You need a more painful title. 9
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Oct-05/8:31 PM |
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Lose "and" in line 4, and maybe rethink line 6 "I had run over" for something more devastating (what?) or add another line showing why you care you ran over that sprig. Also, why capitalize "Fennel"? Blahblahs aside, I love this. 9.
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| Re: Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson |
14-Oct-05/12:52 AM |
Seriously? And your name at the end? Wo. Seek help. Hee.
Redeeming qualities: the line "choking in kelp" is totally excellent, as is "gather your ghosts on liquid graves".
Not good ideas: repeating the word "creatures" ad nauseam (weird, but not in a good way?) and forced-feeling line breaks throughout, especially in the last stanza, which is actually focused, but over-importantly broken up for no good reason. Edit please, but still a good 7.8 for effort. Read it 3 times in fact.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Oct-05/12:59 AM |
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Could benefit from a little more concrete imagery and less "Me! Me! Me!" for actual readers. Great journal entry; fair-to-middlin' out-there-in-the-world poetry.
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| Re: Lucky by suejonespoetry |
14-Oct-05/1:04 AM |
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Omit the 1st 3 stanzas, they don't matter for for real writing out loud; after that, very good --- keep expressing that tough, genuine voice. Don't let your wallflower alter-ego write prefacing disclaimers for your really right-on, deadpan visions that speak for themselves. good job. 8.6
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| Re: Lucky by suejonespoetry |
14-Oct-05/1:07 AM |
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One more thing after reading this again --- you are a great writer, and I mean that because I heard you say this out loud; if not here in my room, but the way you say your words without backpedaling. Yeah.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Oct-05/1:09 AM |
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Love it overall; hate sentences that start: "Suddenly,..." Like, it was totally a dark and stormy night, oh my God.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Oct-05/1:12 AM |
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| Re: Captured by Dovina |
15-Feb-07/6:25 AM |
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2nd stanza made me all nicey-nice. Also, what is a "trainer's chair?"
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| Re: The Laws of Life by lrustagi |
1-Mar-07/3:04 AM |
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Courageous (sp?) and well-tought-out. 8.9
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Mar-07/3:06 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-Mar-07/3:10 AM |
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stop capitalizing, way better! 9
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| Re: Reincarnation by Dovina |
10-Mar-07/3:13 AM |
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I love "tiniest bugs", then it looks like long division, until "Nero", then a sudoku (sp?) puzzle, then the best line I've seen lately: "in poet, leaf, or dog__", yay and yay. 9
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| Re: Settling In by jessicazee |
24-Mar-07/4:49 AM |
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| Re: Oops by John Rambo |
24-Mar-07/4:51 AM |
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