on A life unsure by sliver
8 Jun 2004, 5:55 AM
Yes you're doing well with this piece. Set it aside for a couple days, then read it aloud and listen and mark the spots that bug you. 8 keep going.
on some deleted poem
7 Jun 2004, 6:38 PM
I really like the fourth stanza. Please keep that. I'm not sure I'd continue - "I find myself wishing..."
But do follow up. Meat and potatoes stuff here.
But do follow up. Meat and potatoes stuff here.
on some deleted poem
7 Jun 2004, 6:48 PM
A pseudo useful anecdote:
While at a restaraunt today our server suggested something she really liked and I saw that *glint* in her eyes as she spoke of this entree. It was quite a lusty glint. Suggesting this particular entree might satiate her.
It was really quite unnerving.
10. I believe in education.
While at a restaraunt today our server suggested something she really liked and I saw that *glint* in her eyes as she spoke of this entree. It was quite a lusty glint. Suggesting this particular entree might satiate her.
It was really quite unnerving.
10. I believe in education.
on Le Sommeil- Slumber by Sasha
7 Jun 2004, 7:09 PM
I don't know french, but I'd say that since the french version end rhymes also, this took a few cups of espresso to complete.
on Writers' Block by wilco
7 Jun 2004, 7:15 PM
Classic simplicity.
on Bitter bacardi makes the black stones dance. by SupremeDreamer
7 Jun 2004, 7:34 PM
If you wrote the other one about the tequila worm, then, meh, is my feeling. If not, meh anyway.
Maybe try one about Goldschlager instead.
Goldschlager- Noun. What Goldmember has in his pants.
Maybe try one about Goldschlager instead.
Goldschlager- Noun. What Goldmember has in his pants.
on Carl Jung And the Flying Spiders by horus8
7 Jun 2004, 7:45 PM
Your highway was plenty wide, pinballish though. Too bad Jung was working the construction zone and you failed to slow. Poor Carl. 9. For drowning me.
on some deleted poem
6 Jun 2004, 6:34 PM
You delivered. So shall I.
on some deleted poem
7 Jun 2004, 9:26 AM
*BELCH* as he picks wings from his teeth.
on some deleted poem
6 Jun 2004, 7:49 PM
A bit bumpy. Just read it aloud to yourself over and over and rewrite it to iron it out. 2 poems ago took me 5 rewrites just to get it to this point and I'm still finding nits. time. patience. work. that is all.
on why I hate politics by edwardo
6 Jun 2004, 6:28 AM
Well Ed, I think you've got some of us piqued. I think this needs more. But that's me.
on some deleted poem
6 Jun 2004, 7:25 AM
I don't like the bacon. Try something else. And I think you could lose the third line of the first stanza and not be worse off. Great imagery.
on paperclips by son of the moon
6 Jun 2004, 7:27 AM
Lose the -little fuckers. and the parentheses marks.
I like it.
I like it.
on some deleted poem
5 Jun 2004, 12:52 PM
blah blah blah-continue-blah blah blah-please-blah blah blah blah blah.
5. The rest upon delivery.
5. The rest upon delivery.
on A short trip home by titan69
5 Jun 2004, 2:37 PM
Does the figure wear a tall hat? Is it cloaked in a cloak? Is it arm-ed with prawnes? Scary indeed.
on A Hick's Rendition of "Fire and Ice" by Enkidu
5 Jun 2004, 2:41 PM
Of the two, this ones funnier. If they ever see a book, they should be on the same page or back to back.
on The butchers consolation (Kyrielle) by SupremeDreamer
5 Jun 2004, 2:51 PM
Gangs of New York, all gussied up. Listen and fix the hiccups.
Not sure about being entwined in planks.
I flat out don't understand the therapy line. Don't change it yet. Imma thinkin'. Prelim 8