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Bitter bacardi makes the black stones dance. (Villanelle) by SupremeDreamer
These black ole stones have just kept rollin, & there be nothing that I fear, while my golden bacardi bottle starts callin. My weary friends much rather keep on stallin; & even so, I hold them all dear, but the black ole stones must keep on rollin. All day I hear their sly voices softly talkin, so what they say is never clear when my golden bacardi bottle keeps on callin. Sighs escape, while my Marlboro keeps a-burnin, & though I've kept my past near, these black ole stones have to keep on rollin. Some reckon I'm one who delights in moon howlin canines bared, & stifling a tear-- but that's just my golden bacardi bottle callin. It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin, donnin my surcoat 'n hat so drear-- but these black ole stones have to keep on rollin 'cause the golden bacardi bottle is who be callin.

Up the ladder: Cold Rain Road

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 10
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.. 30
.. 00
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.. 00
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.428571
Weighted score: 5.1152606
Overall Rank: 5955
Posted: June 7, 2004 1:30 PM PDT; Last modified: June 7, 2004 6:24 PM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 | 7-Jun-04/3:17 PM | Reply
I'll give you $30 if you can find one native english speaker who actually talks like this. No one English dialect exhibits all of the features in this villanelle. So I'll have to give you a six for being inauthentic and inconsistent.
[6] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 > Sasha | 8-Jun-04/3:07 PM | Reply
Drive south, I guaruntee you'll find somebody.
[6] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 | 7-Jun-04/3:26 PM | Reply
Oh, and you henceforth have no right to pontificate about stuffy "classic" style when you have talked about a "hat so drear." What's worse though is that you've done it in a poem with "rollin'" and " 'cause" sprinkled through it. It's jarring to say the least.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.181 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/3:47 PM | Reply
No right to pontificate? I certainly do, and why? Because I've deemed myself worthy. The use of drear is obviously the result of fitting in the chosen rhyme scheme.

As for who speaks in this way? I do- yes marm, I don't always pronounce my G's in those words normally ending in "ing". Also laziness will be the reason behind why I won't say the "be" in "because".

And quite frankly, there are pieces written by many other poets that make my slanged perversion of english look very mild indeed.

Honestly Sasha, I don't think this petty retaliation against me doesn't offer an inkling of actual character. But, the emotional insecurity and inferiority complex has been made very apparent. Atleast, to me.

I simply had an opinion, and your poem didn't give me wood at all, in any way- not even a slight tingle. But it was well written, which was why I even gave you a seven. You're ability to handle this is at the level of a twelve year old with a super-enhanced vocabulary. Why do you bother posting if you can not tolerate opinions which don't necessarily drool and praise your work as something worthy of a Nobel Poetry Prize?

In short marm: you're just a slim tube farting up hot air. You don't even have a proper whistling to be fancied as a plump Xanax filled tea kettle. I'd suggest a strong Valium. Go chill.

Oh, and thanks for the six. :)
[6] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/4:03 PM | Reply
You're welcome.


Marm? as in school-marm?? You''re funny, you really are. If as you said you were using the phrase to fit the rhymescheme, you were forcing a rhyme which isnot a good thing. If, on the other hand, you actually speak with constructions such as "hat so drear" in the same conversation as "black ole stones" then I really am a slim tube.

I'm curious, if the black stones are "ole" then why isn't the dark "solitary 'n cole?"

I'm not retaliating, nor am I so high on my pedestal that I can't take criticism. I can. If all I wanted was for a bunch of mind-numbed web-addicts to praise my work ad nauseam stultificationis, I'd have gone to allpoetry or some other online compliment-generator for poets.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.169.249 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/5:24 PM | Reply
Then why are you huffing and puffing over me saying that your poem seemed classical to me? Also, why do you keep bringing up the fact that I used "hat so drear" as if to prove that I'm guilty of being classical as well, and therefor a bloated hypocrit?

Eh marm? All that is quite retaliatory, no matter how you'd like to sugar coat it. It's a reaction provoked by my comments on your poem- no matter what you'd rather believe or convince yourself otherwise.

As for forcing the rhyme, I didn't really. When I wrote this, I was pretty drunk, and found hat so drear to be pretty funny. Actually, it still sounds funny. I could easily modify or twist the rhyme into many other things using many words other than "drear" marm, for example:



--sheer--
It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin,
up and over this mountain so sheer

--beer--
It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin,
rum kept close; I'd never drink beer

--sear--
It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin,
bitter rum makin m'lips & tongue sear

--steer--
It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin,
in the fields tryin to go fuck a steer

--spear--
It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin,
standin poised to ready my spear

--jeer--
It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin,
foul smellin hobos makin me jeer

--queer--
It's this cold 'n solitary dark that I'm stalkin,
lookin to kill those who be queer



And theres plenty more my twisted mind can conjure up from the darkest recesses of my bowls.

Now as for the use of "ole", it's a common term used as an alternate way to say :"old". Now even though "cold" and "old" rhyme, the modification was thought up for the word old, and the effect wouldn't be comprehensible for "cold". If I say for instance, this classic line:


"Come here Ole Blue!"


Any dim-wit can comprehend what I am saying. But if I said something like:


"I feel cole"


You'd probably confuse some folks, and they'd be lead to think that you're talkin bout that black stuff, you know, the stuff used in your average cheap camper barbecue that doesn't use propane? Yeah, that stuff. Then they would wonder why your feeling coal, and how stupid you must be for misspelling that elementary word. But ole is perfectly ok, though you could argue that it's spelled "ol" marm, but that would be a pointless adventure. I say it's "ole", and damn anyone who says otherwise. :)

Now, I have no problem going into further detail bout my use of english in this fashion, or bout the "classical" debate. Quite frankly, if you wanted to get a better example of my writing in a classic fashion, then look under Don-Quixote, one of my alternate pen-names, and view the Villanelle entitled "Ravens Flight - Voices of Spite". With that, you can effectively push your crusade over who writes in the most classical fashion to victory. Personally? I couldn't give a shit.
[6] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/5:28 PM | Reply
I'm not on a crusade. I have no self-denial with respect to whether I am retaliating or not. Psychoanalyzing what I "want to believe" won't work, though you're welcome to keep trying if you'd like.

Besides, I like writing in a "classical" fashion. I was simply curious as to why, since it wasn't really your thing, you used a piece of it in an otherise colloquial poem and saying what I thought of it. That's all. Really.

Okay. I'm done being serious
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.169.249 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/5:36 PM | Reply
Thank you for handing me absolute victory, I shall allow you to cop out via this quickly typed excusatory reply. Now, if that was you being serious, then I wouldn't want to see you clown around, you'd out do me in the jester charade.

Have a nice day marm, and please,
be proud to write like a classical poet from the 1800s
and celebrate your historic penning like any other collector
who admires his antique.
[6] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/5:54 PM | Reply
Begging your pardon, but who said this was a contest for "victory?"
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.238 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/6:25 PM | Reply
Why me marm, who else silly?
[6] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/6:00 PM | Reply
you're apparently on poemranker to "win." I'm not sure what you plan to win exactly, maybe everyone else's approval? Would you like them to nodd their heads and say "now there's a poet who can give quick answers on a site?" Are you that starved for attention?

By the way, you forgot the apostrophe in bow'ls.
[10] zodiac @ 65.161.41.48 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/6:03 PM | Reply
No, he's on poemranker because he's a crazy freak and a merry jester. And he IS that starved for attention. You'd best go about your business now.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.238 > zodiac | 7-Jun-04/6:22 PM | Reply
You never fail to flatter me. :D
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.238 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/6:22 PM | Reply
No, I didn't sasha. bow'ls is not one of those terms I use much if at all... and I'm not darkie, ok? Blarg.
[10] zodiac @ 65.161.41.48 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/6:08 PM | Reply
And it's "Bacardi" not "bicardi", dimwit.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.238 > zodiac | 7-Jun-04/6:17 PM | Reply
OI! Well dear me. I'll fix it dunce.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.238 > zodiac | 7-Jun-04/6:27 PM | Reply
There dimwit, are you proud of me now?!
[n/a] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/5:43 PM | Reply
No more jarring than your skirt and mustache.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.238 > horus8 | 7-Jun-04/6:19 PM | Reply
My kilt has been burned by fire ants.
[6] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.68 | 7-Jun-04/7:34 PM | Reply
If you wrote the other one about the tequila worm, then, meh, is my feeling. If not, meh anyway.

Maybe try one about Goldschlager instead.

Goldschlager- Noun. What Goldmember has in his pants.
[n/a] Y2kSlamPoet @ 204.31.181.55 > INTRANSIT | 7-Jun-04/7:59 PM | Reply
Well, not all my villanelles can be vodka kisses. ;/ Tequila worm... thats been done me thinks.

Whats meh? Malaysian term for "shrug"? Blasted folks, why do you torture me?

As for goldmember, I didn't really like that movie... first austin powers flick was better.
[6] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.253.4 > Y2kSlamPoet | 8-Jun-04/5:36 AM | Reply
Not malaysian that I know of. Yes it is a 50/50 response. I liked the other better. Probably because I'm a laggarding traditionalist of sorts. meh on me, ha!
[9] sliver @ 63.189.16.178 > INTRANSIT | 7-Jun-04/8:54 PM | Reply
That would be mine. And what was wrong with my worm?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.177.66 > sliver | 7-Jun-04/9:19 PM | Reply
-shrug- Don't remember your tequila worm piece.
[6] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.253.4 > sliver | 8-Jun-04/5:38 AM | Reply
Oh, it was yours. I'm sorry. I don't know what was wrong with your worm. As for the poem....
[9] sliver @ 63.189.16.178 | 7-Jun-04/9:30 PM | Reply
See Waiting for the worm, By yours truly. You might like it.
[6] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 | 8-Jun-04/3:08 PM | Reply
Sorry SD, just not feeling this one..
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 66.42.2.18 > wilco | 10-Jun-04/6:26 PM | Reply
I didn't expect many to feel this one, I wrote this for my amusement when I was drunk. But it serves it purpose in revealing some of my kinks with villanelles at least.
[6] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 > SupremeDreamer | 10-Jun-04/6:45 PM | Reply
Hey, nothing wrong with that. I do my best writing drunk.
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