poemranker ::I MISS YOU by jroday

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Lyric № 102401

I MISS YOU

by jroday

Member since 2004 · Posted 18 May 2004 · 6 comments

My mother has past, and I'm all alone. I had only one, and now she's gone. I'll always remember that dark December day. For that's the day she went away. The days are long without her hear. Being an onlychild is not so bad. But losing your mother can be oh so sad. I know you've gone were peacewaters flow. There be no more aches and on more pains. There wont even be me driving you insane. I'll always remember the words you use to say. I might be dead and gone. But waite till you get kids of your own. Life's rough without you here. I can't get that advice I use too hear. Life goes on you use to say. You can only live day by day. Have faith my son in the Lord above. He'll watch over you with a mother's love

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6 comments

[0] SupremeDreamer 18-May-04/6:39 AM Reply
A couple things with this poem bother me:

1: It's not really a lyric.

2: It has a rhyme scheme thats built with words that have similiar endings. You didn't pay attention to how the words actually sound like- for instance the first line ends with "alone", the second line ends with gone. Say those two words out loud, you'll notice that they sound nothing alike, therefore they don't rhyme.

3: It's extremely cliche, and unimaginative. I know this is a really "personal" piece, but that doesn't change the fact that its not well written, crippled, by your poor use of basic poetic mechanics.

4: The ending is absolutely HORRIBLE- sounds like the shit priests say to comfort a person at confession.

In short, you didn't put any real effort into writing this in a creative, original fashion, or you simply lack the skill needed to craft a poem of decent quality. It's obvious that you have no experience with writing. My advice is that you read some real poetry and experience some real literary style. Come up with your own style and develop it- learn about basic technique and the proper use of poetic devices. In time you'll build up skill and start writing poetry thats worth reading.

Blessed with zero.
[n/a] jroday › SupremeDreamer 18-May-04/7:22 AM Reply
Thank you for your comment I'm an amateur at this, but i know excellence is not an act, but a habit the things you do most are the things you will do best. will you read my poem patience and
give me your comments on it please. thank you
[n/a] titan69 › jroday 18-May-04/11:18 AM Reply
You my friend are far to deprest!
although somtimes this makes good peoms
Keep up the good work
[4] wilco 18-May-04/12:24 PM Reply
First, I think that you definitely need to get some more experience before you write something like this. It's a good sentiment but you're ruining it with your lack of style and understanding of how to write. Take the advice of SupremeDreamer.
[n/a] jroday › wilco 18-May-04/2:36 PM Reply
Thank you all my friends I will take your advice. I do need more
experience in writing poems.
[10] redneck_woman3322 23-Sep-04/4:58 PM Reply
This is a beautiful poem...I had lost my Father 12 years ago....not the same as a Mother's love....but it is a horrible loss just the same...my heart goes out to you and thank you for commenting on a couple of my poems ( and you are so right about the comments you left)