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I MISS YOU (Lyric) by jroday My mother has past, and I'm all alone.
I had only one, and now she's gone.
I'll always remember that dark December day.
For that's the day she went away.
The days are long without her hear.
Being an onlychild is not so bad.
But losing your mother can be oh so sad.
I know you've gone were peacewaters flow.
There be no more aches and on more pains.
There wont even be me driving you insane.
I'll always remember the words you use to say.
I might be dead and gone.
But waite till you get kids of your own.
Life's rough without you here.
I can't get that advice I use too hear.
Life goes on you use to say.
You can only live day by day.
Have faith my son in the Lord above.
He'll watch over you with a mother's love
Up the ladder:
Bitter bacardi makes the black stones dance.
Down the ladder:
Hunger 2
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Posted: May 18, 2004 5:15 AM PDT; Last modified: May 18, 2004 5:15 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.134471 Overall Rank: 5536 Comments:
First, I think that you definitely need to get some more experience before you write something like this. It's a good sentiment but you're ruining it with your lack of style and understanding of how to write. Take the advice of SupremeDreamer.
Thank you all my friends I will take your advice. I do need more
experience in writing poems.
This is a beautiful poem...I had lost my Father 12 years ago....not the same as a Mother's love....but it is a horrible loss just the same...my heart goes out to you and thank you for commenting on a couple of my poems ( and you are so right about the comments you left)
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1: It's not really a lyric.
2: It has a rhyme scheme thats built with words that have similiar endings. You didn't pay attention to how the words actually sound like- for instance the first line ends with "alone", the second line ends with gone. Say those two words out loud, you'll notice that they sound nothing alike, therefore they don't rhyme.
3: It's extremely cliche, and unimaginative. I know this is a really "personal" piece, but that doesn't change the fact that its not well written, crippled, by your poor use of basic poetic mechanics.
4: The ending is absolutely HORRIBLE- sounds like the shit priests say to comfort a person at confession.
In short, you didn't put any real effort into writing this in a creative, original fashion, or you simply lack the skill needed to craft a poem of decent quality. It's obvious that you have no experience with writing. My advice is that you read some real poetry and experience some real literary style. Come up with your own style and develop it- learn about basic technique and the proper use of poetic devices. In time you'll build up skill and start writing poetry thats worth reading.
Blessed with zero.
give me your comments on it please. thank you
although somtimes this makes good peoms
Keep up the good work