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I MISS YOU (Lyric) by jroday

My mother has past, and I'm all alone. I had only one, and now she's gone. I'll always remember that dark December day. For that's the day she went away. The days are long without her hear. Being an onlychild is not so bad. But losing your mother can be oh so sad. I know you've gone were peacewaters flow. There be no more aches and on more pains. There wont even be me driving you insane. I'll always remember the words you use to say. I might be dead and gone. But waite till you get kids of your own. Life's rough without you here. I can't get that advice I use too hear. Life goes on you use to say. You can only live day by day. Have faith my son in the Lord above. He'll watch over you with a mother's love

SupremeDreamer 18-May-04/6:39 AM
A couple things with this poem bother me:

1: It's not really a lyric.

2: It has a rhyme scheme thats built with words that have similiar endings. You didn't pay attention to how the words actually sound like- for instance the first line ends with "alone", the second line ends with gone. Say those two words out loud, you'll notice that they sound nothing alike, therefore they don't rhyme.

3: It's extremely cliche, and unimaginative. I know this is a really "personal" piece, but that doesn't change the fact that its not well written, crippled, by your poor use of basic poetic mechanics.

4: The ending is absolutely HORRIBLE- sounds like the shit priests say to comfort a person at confession.

In short, you didn't put any real effort into writing this in a creative, original fashion, or you simply lack the skill needed to craft a poem of decent quality. It's obvious that you have no experience with writing. My advice is that you read some real poetry and experience some real literary style. Come up with your own style and develop it- learn about basic technique and the proper use of poetic devices. In time you'll build up skill and start writing poetry thats worth reading.

Blessed with zero.




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