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Le Sommeil- Slumber (Other) by Sasha
Le Sommeil Le jour perd sa clarté qui s'écoule au soir sombre. Le vent gratte le toit qui brûle en rougissant Où le soleil blafard, blessé par la pénombre, Lutte contre la nuit dans un effort sanglant. Le dernier rayon tord. L'aube crépusculaire Lève assombrissammant un froid soleil d'argent Refroidissant l'herbe où se crispe la lumière Qui suffoque enfin comme un enfant se noyant. La nuit obscurcit tout. Au fond de mes vertèbres Sens-je me pénetrer l'ombre qui m'engourdit. Va-t-en! Va-t-en cru jour! Venez, douces tenèbres Et fermez-moi les yeux aux millions de ta nuit. Translation: Slumber Day's brightness trickles into evening gloom. Wind scrapes the roof that burns in crimson light Where the pale sun that the penumbra wounded Writhes in a bloody struggle with the night. A last ray twists below the twilight dawn That lifts a silver sun- Cold on the ground And on the sombre grass where light still writhes And, choking like a child, at last is drowned. Night's darkened all. My vertebrae are pierced with A shadow that benumbs me and I cry: "Gaudy day, leave me be! Come, gloom, and fill me! Close my eyes to the millions in your sky"

Down the ladder: The Conception of a Dream

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.6666665
Weighted score: 6.3333335
Overall Rank: 849
Posted: June 7, 2004 12:59 PM PDT; Last modified: June 7, 2004 3:22 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.171.86 | 7-Jun-04/1:59 PM | Reply
Is this translation something that you've actually written? 'Cause if so, the classic flare isn't doin jack for me really. And if you didn't write this yourself, then why do you post it's translation? Not here to feel as if I'm looking over literature assignments, but these translations have that effect 'pon me.

That said, I'll be reserving my vote for now. Hope you don't take my comment badly- I can't help being an ass since it's a part of my bloated pride.
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/3:06 PM | Reply
They're both mine. Neither is a literature assignment or a chore. I've known French since birth and occasionally write in it. What's classical about it?
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.181 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/3:13 PM | Reply
"Away you garish day! But come, dear darkness!
Close my eyes to the millions of your sky"

That was what made me feel as if I was transported to the middle-late 1800s. Therefor, to me, it's a classical flar'd ending. The over all style and feel wasn't exactly one that plucked my strings- everyone have preferences.

Congradulations on your fluency in french. I can speak it to a mediocre degree, but reading and writing it is another thing altogether.

Well, now that my questions have been answered, I'll now whip out my final vote.

You've been blessed with seven.
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/3:23 PM | Reply
Oh fine. I'll change it
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.181 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/3:52 PM | Reply
So you enforce a policy of "votes under nine are automatically rejected?". How pompous and vain can you be? I'd love to see the full extent of your pontifical crusade.
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/4:04 PM | Reply
No. I edited the poem with your critique in mind. If you haven't noticed all votes get erased when you edit.
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.169.249 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/5:39 PM | Reply
Ofcourse I know that. I suggested you edited in order to erase my vote. I thought I made that plain and obvious. Somehow, I've failed. tsk tsk tsk.
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Jun-04/5:50 PM | Reply
No I edited the last two lines.
[9] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 | 7-Jun-04/3:24 PM | Reply
another translation?
[n/a] Sasha @ 69.138.236.63 > wilco | 7-Jun-04/3:27 PM | Reply
Of my own poem.
[n/a] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 > Sasha | 7-Jun-04/6:56 PM | Reply
"My vertebrae are pierced with
A shadow that benumbs me and I cry:"

YES, YES! Weep for the benumbing shadows that
pierce your...Vertabrae!...? And cause the handicap
sign to flicker 2 for 1. Once, when I shot up a hot
shot and filled my lungs with vomit until collapse
I thought the same thing before shitting myself
and crumpling upon the floor in self destructive ecstasy,
and pointless false curiousity, but I said ""Gaudy Gay, Geave Ge Ge! Gome, gloom, gnd gill ge!
Glose Gy Gyes Go ghe Gillions Gn Gour Gky"" these g's should be pronounced with all of the utmost contempt for men that call themselves sasha, and at the end of the night... Indeed are.
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.177.66 > horus8 | 7-Jun-04/9:26 PM | Reply
You should post a longer version. ;/
[9] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 > wilco | 7-Jun-04/3:27 PM | Reply
nevermind..I see.

I think its good, and does have kind of a classic feel.

Incidentally, I'd rather see more like this than translations. But thats just me.
[n/a] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 7-Jun-04/5:56 PM | Reply
What would we do without you Sasha... Other than what we normally do? That being avoiding Superiffic translations of crap poetry.
[9] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.68 | 7-Jun-04/7:09 PM | Reply
I don't know french, but I'd say that since the french version end rhymes also, this took a few cups of espresso to complete.
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