Re: Swan Lake by Caducus	27-Mar-06/7:40 PM
I kind of liked this, but it kept losing me. There wasn't really much of a central theme or focus that I could find for a reader to grasp onto.
Re: Emily Mae by horus8	27-Mar-06/7:49 PM
for some reason, (which I cannot identify) the fact that the name you used was "emily mae" really made this poem 10x more enjoyable (though I would have liked it anyway.)
Re: Dammit by Cha no Onna	8-Dec-06/5:51 AM
cute
Re: Starving at Tiffany's by horus8	10-Dec-06/3:32 PM
the randomness with which you decided to make your "I"'s upper or lower case is disconcerting at best, and more irritating than anything else.
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Apr-07/12:45 PM
Overall, I think this is a pretty skilful poem. I especially like the title, using Injun, instead of Indian, or Native American. It contrats nicely with the perspective of the people themselves, and provides some irony and flavor. Your rhythm and rhyme in this are really excellent, it flows really well and the rhyming feels pretty natural, not as forced as it could be. One thing I noticed though, is: Another dawn of executed trees Another summer of castrated lawn The last two words of each of those lines sit awkwardly, I think. Executed and castrated are such specific and evocative words, they sit flatly next to trees and lawns, which are generic and bland. I would matching these excellent verbs with equally precise and vivid nouns. The first four and last two lines are my favorite. They just flow extremely well, and the word choice seems nearly perfect. I especially love the imagery of the last two. A comparison to buffalo could have come across as overly obvious or cheesy, but I think you pull it off well. Overall, I think this is pretty excellent stuff. ~~~Megan
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Apr-07/12:51 PM
The ideas are nice, but one thing that bothers me is that you keep putting "If I didn't have you" in quotes. Why is this? Is somebody saying this, is this something that was said to you in the past? They seem largely unnecessary. The sentiments in this are nice, but it is extremely generic. One way you could make it better would be to provide some examples that are unique unto your situation. If you didn't have him (or her, what specifically would you do? How specifically would it feel? If you dig a little deeper you can come up with a wealth of ideas and feelings worthy of poetry. One final thing (and this may just be my own personal pet peeve, buuuuut - Save the lower case I's for e.e. cummings. Here, it just makes your poem seem sloppy. Unless there is a specific reason, integral to your poem, that you are not using a lower case I, don't. ~~~Megan
Re: Makin' Bacon by NICKDRP	13-Apr-07/12:58 PM
The first verse has very good rhythm. The worlds flow naturally, and I really like it. Only thing I would say to maybe change is "it snowed" to "there's snow" because then your rhyme is more perfect. The second verse looses the flow of the first, though. One thing to keep in mind when writing rhyming poems is to count syllables. Frequently (though not always) the closer the syllable counts in your lines are, the better the poem will flow. Also, this poem is obviously meant to be light hearted and fun, but even still...neat? Reading the first verse, I would assume I was dealing with a playful adult. But the second verse makes me feel like I am talking to a creative, yet unskilled grade schooler. The idea is cute though.
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Apr-07/7:14 PM
hey, uh...why would you leave me a 0 and not offer an explanation why? Kinda random, dude...
regarding some deleted poem...	14-Apr-07/9:06 PM
I culled this list from your first couple of verses. With the exception of perhaps "bitterness" and "insane" you are stuck at an elementary vocabulary level. Unless you are going for pimple(in which case, categorize it as such), it would be helpful to spice up your language. Use some vivid and evocative words that specifically pin point how you are feeling. Like, when you said there would be "loneliness, bitterness, and pain" - I know you can dig deeper than that! There are a lot of different ways to be lonely or be in pain. The reader isn't going to be able to intensely identify with those words. So get more specific. Tell us exactly what the bitterness and pain would be like. Draw the reader in so they truly can identify. ^.^ ~~~Megan
Re: Prince of Void by Dovina	14-Apr-07/9:08 PM
How does something "[mock] to and fro"?...That line confuses me, slightly.
regarding some deleted poem...	17-Apr-07/7:11 AM
....love the changes you made :). In my opinion, they take this from simply good, to excellent. ^.^
Re: Amputee by INTRANSIT	17-Apr-07/7:16 AM
Love the simplicity in this. The imagery is powerful though. A lot of attempts to end a piece in sardonic wit are trite or overdone but this entire thing flows from start to finish without a hitch. I like it alot.
Re: broken bottles by richa	17-Apr-07/7:19 AM
I think your first verse is the strongest here. It is simplistic and beautiful and powerful. Bit confused about the connection to albatross, though.
Re: A twisted Trail in Eden’s Garden by Dovina	17-Apr-07/7:23 AM
I love the strong, vivid language you use in this. That can be easy to overdue, but you have struck a near perfect balance here, I think. This takes a very...sensual approach to something that most people gloss over or take for granted, I think. I like it a lot.
Re: The Corner Tavern by jessicazee	23-Apr-07/8:11 AM
I like the way you evoke your mood in this, though I have to question your use of the word stringy, and more especially....current. A current holiday mood - what exactly does this mean? Does the fact that it is current contribute something to what you are saying? A more descriptive or evocative modifier might work better here. I can only assume that your last verse is referring to Lennon, which I think is fantastic, I absolutely love that song. And your description of a dollar as being "crispy" is quite interesting, not something I would have ever thought to use myself.
Re: Ein Kampf by Sasha	23-Apr-07/4:51 PM
I am not sure what this would do to the rhythm but one suggestion I would give to you is to cut the superfluous words. You use the word and and so a lot but you do not always need them, and your poem seems more forceful, clean, and direct without them.
Re: Unsung American Dream by SupremeDreamer	23-Apr-07/5:04 PM
This is absolutely fantastic. It reminds me of slam poetry, it has that all-in-one-breath endless flow to it, but it is more perfect. The entire poem held my rapt attention, which is not typically true of things of this length. The only thing I have to question is the choice to not capitalize your other major words in your title, the only word in there that typically would be lower-case is "of". That is just a technical detail, though. Overall, I love this.
Re: Easter (edited) by thetrev	23-Apr-07/5:09 PM
This is a type of poem, which, when done well, is extremely good, when done poorly, is absolutely awful. While I would not say this is excellent, I think you did a very good job here. I think you strike the right balance between what is said and what is left unsaid, the only thing I question, like SupremeDreamer, is your used of the word "morassed", it seems, at best, a little awkward. Each half of this (the part about your sister, and the part addressed to "you") stands well and is strong on it's own, but I think where you join the two together it is a little weak. Perhaps strengthen the connection between these two stories? Overall, I really like this, though.
Re: The Death of Us by andrewjthomas	23-Apr-07/5:15 PM
Your 4th and 5th verses are by far the strongest, specifically your 4th. They are, I feel, what make this poem worth it and what made it stand out enough to be worth commenting on. The rest strikes me as far too generic. Try to keep things at the level of imagery and specificity you had when describing those wailing Italian mothers, and you might be on to something here.