poemranker ::Easter (edited) by thetrev

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Free verse № 151564

Easter (edited)

Member since 2007 · Posted 22 Apr 2007 · 2 comments

Last summer, we fell and tangoed between the hips of the hills. We spooned gawkily into the stinging grass, our morassed eyes made out half shadows of gipsy vanners eating the moon. * This Easter I’ve returned to those trails, cracking the mud, but not with you. My sister climbed the kissing gate and clung to its large eyelid as it yawned back and forth. I found those mounds again, by light. She ran me into its soft belly belting “the hills are alive” utterly off-key. It was worth capturing: we took pictures of our imprints, shadows, our legs by our ears, elbows on our knees, (the sheep just watched). Another gate and we ambled down the road, the sun was eaten by twigs. I tried to stamp on each dapple, Anna skated against the dimples, till the pub arrived, and pistachios to crack open. Here, there was no trace left of past excavations.

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mean 8.80 weighted 5.45 rank 2906 views 132 View voting details →

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2 comments

[9] SupremeDreamer 22-Apr-07/5:28 PM Reply
morassed--

Were you trying to turn a noun into an adjective? Webster didn't provide a listing, other than for "morass", if that was what you meant. That, or Webster sucks ass.

That aside, I enjoyed it. Nine.
[8] bwaha 23-Apr-07/5:09 PM Reply
This is a type of poem, which, when done well, is extremely good, when done poorly, is absolutely awful.

While I would not say this is excellent, I think you did a very good job here. I think you strike the right balance between what is said and what is left unsaid, the only thing I question, like SupremeDreamer, is your used of the word "morassed", it seems, at best, a little awkward.

Each half of this (the part about your sister, and the part addressed to "you") stands well and is strong on it's own, but I think where you join the two together it is a little weak. Perhaps strengthen the connection between these two stories?

Overall, I really like this, though.