| Re: Baby by sca |
14-Jun-07/10:51 AM |
holy fuck. dark only says half of it.
i think this has the opportunity for a lot of expansion. there is a lot of story here for so few lines, but there are enough lines used that it either needs to be longer and expanded into a mini-epic, or edited down to a more concise yet potent missive.
i like this and hpoe you will work further on it.
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| Re: Decisions by MacFrantic |
14-Jun-07/10:53 AM |
gross, as in anatomy.
clever.
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| Re: It's Simple by Enkidu |
14-Jun-07/11:00 AM |
one extra syllable in line 2; try "I'll" or maybe just "will".
perhaps try using other words beside "give" 5 times. i am sure there are other things you do, such as forgave, tryusted, loved, etc. might help paint the picture better if you explain how much you gave...
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| Re: A Fine Thread by Nepanthe |
14-Jun-07/11:04 AM |
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missing old friends, i gather. nice metaphor.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Jun-07/11:07 AM |
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this is one subject that is like a vacuum: if it doesn't suck, it is broken.
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| Re: I Am A Reality by Skamper |
18-Jun-07/7:34 AM |
i would say this falls into more of a lyric category. i cannot help but hear someone rapping this out.
some interesting thoughts here. not sure yet what i take away from it, so after re-reads, i may change my vote.
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| Re: Bonded by Skamper |
18-Jun-07/7:37 AM |
if this is really as erotic as it sounds... seems like a scene out of some "master - servant" relationship. a little oral pleasure as a welcome back?
not sure what the narrator's "story" is really...
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| Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick |
19-Jun-07/12:22 PM |
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i'll comment later; i am intrigued by this one.
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| Re: Between two Truths by Dovina |
20-Jun-07/3:42 PM |
S2 L4/L5... the repeat of "comfort" is not as strong as it could be. maybe L4 starts "offers sanctuary ...". I would also end with a colon on L4 to deliver L5.
an interesting look at a subculture of the US that i struggle to comprehend. i really believe i would have a hard time living there...
so what's around the bend and over the next hill?
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| Re: He's Dead You Bastards (for zzinia) by scitz |
20-Jun-07/3:52 PM |
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he must really miss his friend to commit suicide to be with him.
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| Re: Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack by drnick |
21-Jun-07/2:49 PM |
hopefully, this is not a true account.
the sense of self-loathing and despair comes across very strongly. well done.
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| Re: You can't send love to a voicemail. by drnick |
21-Jun-07/2:54 PM |
grown up version of a pimple?
seriously though, this is better written than that.
think it's time for this person to start leaving excessively long messages with a lot of long silent pauses, heavy sighs, and cheery "talk to you later!"s at the end. oh, and if the message gets cut off for length, call back and continue. fill up her box [one way or another].
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| Re: Just Another Reason by Skamper |
21-Jun-07/3:19 PM |
interesting. i think i know what you are driving at, how some parents will overbearingly protect their children from their environment and not just in a healthy way.
the weary look and pouting face suggest that there is a bit of resentment from the parent about being a parent.
then, the audacious grasp at comisery with you; they made their choice(s), right?
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| Re: Foie Gras by Christof |
22-Jun-07/7:38 AM |
lots of good stuff here: "warm scorn". "lumpen from fear", "filleted men". is it a British saying to call a telephone handset a funnel or is that an expression of the poem. if the latter, another good one.
what i get from this is a lonely businessman, pining for his youth with drive-in theatres, sports victories, and of course, shagging. all the trappings of success without any real substance.
didnt quite get the torture of geese unless it is a reference to hearing a novice playing bagpipes.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Jun-07/7:56 AM |
i would add a "is" to line 3 after "Abhorrent".
perhaps in line 5 "slathered" - or better yet "lathered" - could replace "swathed".
i do enjoy the wry, overly-barbed sarcasm contained in this piece. it utterly seethes with disdain, contempt so venomous that it might burn the page upon which it is written.
the irony i see here is that enough wanking supposedly makes one go blind, but one who masturbates in this manner is blind already, no?
marks for expressing your feelings in such a clear and forceful manner while maintaining a smirk. you may want to keep working on this to make it even better.
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| Re: Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina |
26-Jun-07/2:21 PM |
i do like the message, some of the similies are quite nice:
"top heavy with old", "stubbornly foreign".
the last stanza starts to lose some of the momentum, (maybe that's the point?), so the ending does fall a little flat.
however, i like the topic and the first stanza a lot, the second stanza is pretty good. a few tweaks and i think you'll have it.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jun-07/2:26 PM |
mmmm this is deliciously erotic, and tastefully so (pun intended). i really enjoyed the naturalist imagery coupled with the soothing meter and calming message (although that makes a threesome, no?).
i wouldn't change a thing, unless you'd like to read it aloud sometime...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jun-07/2:35 PM |
i think your punctuation version works better, at least for me it helped clarify many of the lavishly expressive lines. however, i do like the indents on lines 11 & 12, though it may be better to start them on line 9 or 10 where, as Dovina pointed out, you switch from "show" to "tell".
i do see this as a self portrait, although i only got eyes and lips.
so you fancy yourself an exotic flower, eh? interesting...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jun-07/2:38 PM |
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i agree with the above comments. i would also hope that you expect to have some cries of passion as well, in which the next to last line would be "Let our cries of passion"
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jun-07/2:40 PM |
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