Re: Mannequin (draft) by Ranger	3-Mar-06/8:38 AM
I like this! The last stanza is not as well-formed as it might have been, but overall I like this.
Re: Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger	3-Mar-06/8:34 AM
Favorite lines and/or good rythm: Romancing time for peace of mind before his deadly fall to him so fast It crashed and got itself buried in the distant past He clears his mind and considers this Despite the vicious lure of the coffin's hole Rene Descartes fled with his immortal soul Sadly for him, his arrogance showed through He would not run from the State(,) so he paid his due In the bitter cell from which he would not flee The ghost of Christmas Nevermore popped round/ for a cup of hemlock tea It's much too much, it's far too far, Pretence gave up and screamed Take a side, consider well, you can't sit on the fence Because there(')s no(t) such a thing as normal common sense The choice is yours to face the truth/ here within your head But do you at all believe/ a single word I said?
Re: Spring Rolls by Ranger	3-Mar-06/8:21 AM
'of sunshine and rain Containing a multitude of colours Strands of flowers' That's good. To savour the spicy aftertaste Of summer And, that's good.
Re: a comment on Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	3-Mar-06/8:12 AM
Oh! Call me clueless...sheesh...okay...this IS the 'other one' the previous one, and the other is more recent. To be honest, I like the (this) more condensed version...or at least the attempt to condense it, shown here. God'swife had good advice for you, back then...hold onto it, and reread as time moves on. Rythm and flow are still things you work on. I can see from your other stuff that you are finding your expression, your voice, and your language just fine! I see alot of growth, in how you express yourself now.
Re: a comment on Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	3-Mar-06/8:05 AM
Ranger, god'swife said this, and I so agree; absolutely! "The precious thing that can't be taught I see here, in this poem." Oh, I just realized...this was from 2003?! Well, see...she was right! And...it STILL applies today...In your more recent work I see genius and intellegence, risk-taking and unique angles...an internal dialog that is rich and growing. You will become a better writer than I will ever hope to be...I would love to see what you write when you are 30 and 40...sheesh...God help the rest of us!
Re: Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	3-Mar-06/7:55 AM
This is much more pulled together than the other one! (good editing! Hard to do, sometimes!) It is still alittle awkward right there...needs a smoother transition...maybe something like>? So I left her to stamp and hurl lettuces And the fairies danced To cast a spell at me I dodged and she slept for a hundred years
Re: a comment on Under the Spoon by MacFrantic	3-Mar-06/7:49 AM
Oh, and wouldn't that be genius!! what with the ego and macabre joy they get from cutting...that would nail it! LOL!
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	3-Mar-06/7:44 AM
(Freuds note to self...) Atlas...celebration and admiration of body, liberated, enlightened. a burden lifted...why is his telescope a burden...oh...lit and aflame....wide eyed squint...(chuckle) Is it arranging the diamond drops into a band, or placing the diamond (the precious jewel)into the band? hmmm...ruby glitter to the right... blood...glitters...>desirable...? wants virgin sign to say she is right, it is right. Blood is life, her life or his? Depends...
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	3-Mar-06/7:27 AM
Could the... flowing turn of white Seem by dawn to him avail? Kneeling, no A cock(erel) early risen, tense the astronomer with his telescope, rosehip and all...hmmm....I seeee....
Re: Wet Paint (A Blond Point of View) by Miggy	3-Mar-06/6:40 AM
some grammar problems: 'mistakes in the past was' (were) I'm not so sure that I would care for this, in song format.
Re: Under the Spoon by MacFrantic	2-Mar-06/8:01 AM
I can't take this seriously; you rhyme, then don't, then do so badly, then rhyme at the end of lines, then half way into lines and rhyme at the end of them. The cadence goes all over the place, changing at random. ...later, ..later, and Alligator ending was a groan AND an eye roll.
Re: =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	2-Mar-06/7:32 AM
hmmmm....you say you don't get my poem...(I feel guilty scoring this...did you really want us to?
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	2-Mar-06/7:15 AM
read the line and see if the rythm flows better, for you. (added 'the' and broke the format up to, uhmmmm... make it pause for effect. changed 'lifting' to 'lifted'...just some thoughts...feel free to reject them all:) setting diamonds in the band with ruby glinting to its right (nestled..?) .............. Unlike most who gaze at stars He stared not through the rosehip mist But instead spent one night Standing Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifted ........ A cockerel early risen, tense Brings the news that night has gone And once again It cries _________(needs 2 syllable word) The astronomer dies at dawn. ?...this gives the idea...listen to the RYTHM.. A cockerel early risen, tense Brings the news that night has gone And once again It cries, henceforth (better at 4 syllables total!) The astronomer dies at dawn. (dropping a syllable keeps you from having to rush the ending by forcing the syllables in. You could use any number of words at 'it cries'> henceforth,the edict,an edict, bemoans, mourning, in mourning,warning, in warning, to warn,its warning, its notice, in decree...etc. okay...that said...I'm glad if you can garner something from reading my stuff, but also realize everyone has to find there own internal rythm; and every piece has its own inner beat and melody.
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	2-Mar-06/6:19 AM
through which his gaze directed...?
Re: His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger	1-Mar-06/8:56 PM
This called for better than you gave in the last line...please consider stating the fact: maternity ward, in some other way, (the blue booties dropped to the floor, dropped from her hand...something to state maternity ward...and then work on a fitting ending. This is such unique perspective..which I most enjoy tackling, myself. It asked to be re-read...and that is a good sign, if you ask me. It challenges beliefs and perspectives on what life is and means here...good stuff. Do it justice at the end. It's reads like (camera fades) instruction in a theatre production or filming. It went from real, and puzzling to shocking and thought provoking to...(camera fades)...it deserves more.
Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger	1-Mar-06/8:44 PM
freeze-with breeze heard-this bird seems-Although his dreams ...!! blue-and through flight-contrite...!!! awhile-of trials (I'd make them one or the other...follow through if you are going to do that, as they are rather abrupt in places, and are jarring, to me.) lines 3 and 4 stumble, try something like: With the breeze they softly stirred Never a sound so sweet was heard I read everlasting world as everlasting word...which would work too. Revise and I could see giving this a better score...it has potential, but just needs to pull together better. Work on the flow...make it go down more smoothly.
Re: a comment on Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger	1-Mar-06/8:26 PM
LOL...now I read the comments and votes...My, what alot of eyes you have! It is funny that you have 0's and 10's...hmm...do you have ogre's hiding under the bridge, that only come out when you pass? I haven't seen alot of these names commenting on other stuff, and yet they seem to have some personal issues involved. Maybe this is just one of those things you either like or don't. You can bet, good or bad, that when I comment there are no motives, one way or the other, toward anybody. I vote and post, then read what other's wrote, just to ensure the thoughts are my own and real. Everyone may totally disagree with me or agree. It really doesn't matter to me. What does matter is being judged on the writing's merits. Period. You can count on an honest thought and opinion, from me...even if it might be something you'd rather not hear or you totally disagree with. What you do with it is entirely up to you.
Re: Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger	1-Mar-06/8:15 PM
I am working my way down (newest to oldest) the list of your stuff on here...in case that isn't obvious by now. This isn't one of my favorites, thus far. It just isn't my cup of tea, perhaps. It just doesn't stand out like the others. It IS a bit of fun...and the humour is funny in a Robinhood/'men in tights' kind of way. I don't understand why you talk of jet planes at the onset, but then stay within typical fairie tale format after that, never mentioning a tie to that plane again. Perhaps say "The fairies joined in like biting gnats, to cast/buzz their spells about my head." ?... something to give a distinct entry and personality to them. (As they are they just look thrown in there, and seem incomplete and insignificant.) (castles, dwarves, and all) or (castle's dwarves and all?) >my stallion and I (If it was intentional it is just not cute enough to work here. Maybe "me and my stallion" would put a childish spin on it without making us roll our eyes...?)
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	1-Mar-06/12:20 PM
I almost whoop aloud at the places you go! I would change>he now looks Needs something more refined, there. At rereading, I thought, the cock could have said so many different things, and I would have liked it as much. Another romantic dies at dawn. etc, etc:)
Re: a comment on You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger	1-Mar-06/12:14 PM
OH! You are young? I wouldn't have guessed you are that young, as all the discussion implies you are. Well...then... KEEP writing! Sheesh...so much potential, you have. I must admit I find your stuff to be brain food, even in its imperfect state. Highly intellegent stuff and processes going on and around in that head of yours...most refreshing!