| Re: The Book of Images by Dovina |
31-Jan-06/8:31 AM |
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I would have ended it at "so live." or reworked the very last line. (I didn't like it at all.) I think you were very original with this! I love the first stanza, the second was a little weak, to me, though. 'Hear' used in both of the two stanzas? Thinking I would have altered that, as well.
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| Re: Untouchable by rahson_s |
31-Jan-06/8:40 AM |
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you must wait till she 'fills out' and she is almost 18...well...1st, if she is almost 18 she would /should be 'filled out'. If you state you must wait...but then go on to say how you make out in her bedroom, etc. it does not give the impression that you are waiting...nor that she is untouchable...just (and only) that you have not satisfied "the hunger of wanting to be inside her.".
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| Re: The correct order of things by Stephen Robins |
31-Jan-06/8:44 AM |
professionals> "a fool"...fools
betters' tools...?
Other than that...cool!
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| Re: The correct order of things by Stephen Robins |
31-Jan-06/8:44 AM |
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I LOVE the last stanza...as-is! It flows well for me!
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| Re: Moving from home by Caducus |
31-Jan-06/8:56 AM |
'from rigor mortis'...seems cumbersome, and felt yucky...maybe change? ..."in stiff repose" ..something with three syllabuls would fit better than four. (entire line would have 8)
I didn't understand:"Wasp hollowed coxes" . Is it refering to the tree you go on to speak about? should it be "wasp-hollowed coxes?
also."The same way I entered in a cot", I would rework that.
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| Re: more of the same by calliope |
31-Jan-06/8:58 AM |
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I liked this...just like it is.
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| Re: let me know by skaskowski |
31-Jan-06/9:04 AM |
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"pour forth" was a little too uppity for the rest of it. I would change that. When I got to pissy water, I thought I wasn't going to like this. But then you went on the interest me. The last two lines were a little too cliche for me; you could have ended before that, with no harm done.
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| Re: yo yo yo, ride by FreeFormFixation |
31-Jan-06/9:07 AM |
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This is really weird in a facinating way. I have no clear idea or picture in my head, so I am not sure what this is about...but I like it...I think.
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| Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger |
31-Jan-06/9:19 AM |
This is a long read...but was worth the effort. You have a strange sense of rhyme and in rythm in this piece; it took a reread, to find a comfortable rythm to read it by.
"Lorelei no longer"...? where did that come from?
and it seems the passionate Miriam is reborn, in the end, hailing Mary....but I liked her as she was! I liked the contrast of the two: Mary and Miriam...one the Madonna the other the whore...both a part of who we are, as women. Miriam stands brilliantly as she is!
Would you have had Miriam save Mary from her chastity, by saving her from it...and thus freeing her to her passionate self? No? Then I wouldn't have had Mary saving Miriam. And leave Lorelei out of it.LOL...change that and I'll change my score to a 10...(whch I never give!)
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| Re: midnight feast by pollywolly |
31-Jan-06/9:28 AM |
old manse> man's ?
What type of feasting? are you body snatchers, or young lover about to sexually feast? seems like a long road to go...no where. I am not even sure what scene I am looking at. It seems like the beginning to a story, rather than a poem.
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| Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy |
31-Jan-06/9:40 AM |
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Naw...not a big fan of this one. I didn't really 'get it'. and all that stuff in the middle about running to your dream wife...language didn't fit the piece.
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| Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone |
31-Jan-06/9:55 AM |
I know this is following a format, but the rythm is awkward, to me...and rythm is all-important to me. It just does not flow well, IMO.
notwithstanding> disregarding? in spite of? fighting against? If it is not withstanding change....I am not sure what that means right there, because you go on to say it is changed by winds of reason.
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| Re: necrobos by baphomet |
31-Jan-06/10:02 AM |
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Huh? What a strangely fascinating bit-of-something, this is. The fact that I have worked with autistics makes me look into this and know that it is painting a picture...but, one too disconnected for me to fully 'get'. About the time I think I know what is going on here, I decide that can't be 'it'. I would be most interested in hearing what this is about.
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| Re: Time, Indeterminate by ecargo |
31-Jan-06/10:12 AM |
has been stolen> correct would be:Have been; but then again, maybe leaving it in the language it is written in actually gives something to this poem.
This is a long poem, but it is worth the time to read. Very nice, and real. What a melancholy piece.
I thought it was about a soldier until I hit the word 'celly', and realizes it was about prison. It is unique in that it makes the reader see real faces behind those locked up; and beyond those faces to the families left behind. Excellent work!
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| Re: Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
31-Jan-06/10:19 AM |
Is this one of your sex poems, one of your war-commentary poems, or a drug poem? Or 'the ignorance and bliss of unknowing the young possess'?
"And said it that was nice"> wanna fix that? (that it?)(said it was nice?)(And said,"That was nice.")?
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| Re: Ode to Seduction by MacFrantic |
2-Feb-06/8:20 AM |
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I'll let someone else corerect your punctuation...it need work...but this is cool.
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| Re: Ode to Seduction by MacFrantic |
2-Feb-06/8:21 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Feb-06/8:22 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Feb-06/8:28 AM |
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| Re: stormcast (a true story) by FreeFormFixation |
2-Feb-06/8:33 AM |
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I'm confused. Take a breath, calm down and then tell me again; what happened?
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