Re: untitled rhyme royal 2 by starkfister	23-Sep-05/3:58 PM
Ow. That's terrible. If you're going to use old-fashioned language, do it well. Aside from that, an excellent first-person narrative of a dwarf performing cunnilingus on a grown woman. 8070F000
Re: Nowhere Land by Caducus	20-Sep-05/8:59 PM
Hmm. That's quite fine. You still need to learn about apostrophes, but I gave up on that years ago. Seriously, howe'er... The second stanza is a bit confused. The first two lines are fine. Then the third: what's was laid on the grave? The buds. Do the buds make the graves fragrant, or were they already? Was the love born on/in the graves? Not that I mind, I've nothing against necrophilia myself... 'to die in her today' ... Does that mean 'Love was born/to die in love's today' or 'Love was born/to die in [graves, autumn] on this day'? Or what? I really like the penultimate line, but the last one seems to let it down a little.
Re: If I Were a Bird by TLRufener	20-Sep-05/8:54 PM
If you were a bird, you'd have a brain the size of a peanut! Oh, wait, how would that chanmge you? Yawn yawn yawn. If you make it rhyme, you can send it to Hallmark.
Re: Please Stay by pletcgm	20-Sep-05/8:53 PM
Okay. You're not rhyming. That's good. 'Bleeding a river of love' -- if it's flowing out and you're not going to love again, sure. 'Will you make my heart flutter' -- medically speaking, that's not a very good request.
Re: Éire by TLRufener	14-Sep-05/12:08 PM
One point for the courage of writing a patriotic poem. Like almost every single other patriotic poem in the history of literature in all languages, it's crap.
Re: Lament by Caducus	12-Sep-05/7:16 PM
As has come to be expected from you, very good. Line six, 'there' not 'their'. 'Soon Spring will die in October': great line, but, umm... what happened to summer?
Re: Tall Windows by tianyi	12-Sep-05/7:13 PM
Why the comma after "where"? I'm presuming that the last line is the direct continuation of the first, in which case it might be a thought to add a stanza break between the first and second lines.
Re: on the edge of creation by nentwined	12-Sep-05/7:11 PM
I really rather like this. Though the "(how did they get to my mountain)" I'm not sure about. Maybe break it into another line or something -- the rhythm seems off because that one line's so long.
Re: knowledge building on knowledge by nentwined	12-Sep-05/7:09 PM
Nice. I'm not sure about the title being one of the three lines, but hey...
Re: a comment on the lips of your mouth by silvertongueddevil	7-Sep-05/8:18 PM
Presuming that this is addressed to a lady, there are a couple of other sets of lips he could be writing about...
Re: Baudelaire: The Albatross by Sasha	7-Sep-05/8:13 PM
For a translation insisting to rhyme, this is very good. One small wince is that in your version it sounds like it's only the crew of one ship that would do this, while in the original it's any old bunch of sailors.
Re: the birds are still here by ay deee	7-Sep-05/8:10 PM
Hee hee. That's lovely.
Re: a comment on Stardust by TLRufener	7-Sep-05/8:08 PM
Ah. Right. Makes rather more sense thus.
Re: Untitled by bellafuego	7-Sep-05/8:07 PM
A prose poem, I take it? A bit too prosy, even for that.
Re: Strength by Dovina	7-Sep-05/8:06 PM
Could stand another take.
Re: 9/5 by cronus	7-Sep-05/8:04 PM
Eighth line, get rid of 'That'.
Re: My Dad's Armchair. by Bethy	7-Sep-05/8:03 PM
Hmm. Get rid of the initial 'Oh'. Fifth stanza, get rid of 'and'. There are a few other rhythmic things I'd think could be changed, but can't think how. The end of each line does not require a punctuation mark.
Re: Stardust by TLRufener	7-Sep-05/7:58 PM
Let me see... I read and voted on this twenty minutes ago. What exactly have you changed?
Re: Stop stalking me, eventually by T. Jonathron Remp	7-Sep-05/7:41 PM
'Stop kidnapping my pet'... Wonderful. How often has the stalker done so? Does the pet just keep reappearing on the doorstep or something?
Re: Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac	7-Sep-05/7:40 PM
I'd prefer it as a prose poem. But that's just me.