Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	30-Apr-06/11:36 AM
A good title - gets us right intoi it. I don't like "misplaced" - too didactic. "A judge with a saint’s reputation" seems to conflict with "An angel with a life full of sin." A good rant.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	29-Apr-06/6:53 PM
Regarding Chat: Are you using Internet Explorer, Versioin 6.0, sp2? If so, I believe there is no way to set it up so Chat will work. If someone can tell me otherwise, I'll listen and try, but I have done everything Kaolin said, and a lot more. The only solution I have found is to use Netscape 7.0.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	29-Apr-06/11:10 AM
A good start with L1. "push you away for not sitting close"? - seems inconsistent. Are you sure it is irritation that exhausts you in L5? I like the idea of objectively watching the imposter. I've written about this too. But I think you can do better at describing this objective/highly personasl phenomenon.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/4:42 PM
Your writing is not in a "pretty dire state." But, like I said about your last one, I think you are again trying to accomplish more than a reasonable amount in this poem. If your readers already know these concepts, then you might succeed with them in providing entertainment and new expressions. But for us non-phychologists, any one of those concepts would be a good chunk to deliver in a poem of this length. I am an admittedly simple reader, and others may be able to take all you want to deliver.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/3:40 PM
"Did you find this written from the point of view of the therapist or from the point of view of the dreamer?" I took it as a dream interpreter's POV who could also be the dreamer. The title is confusing because of mixing past and present tenses. Qustion: If dreams are based on puns, why not consider the "slip of the tongue" feature of a persons mother tongue, especially since you mention it in the title?
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	28-Apr-06/3:29 PM
Well, I'm surprised! I thought surely this would have brought our gold-making friend out from the lab just to say "Hey, nice try." or something. He's probably on the verge of a tungston light bulb.
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/3:19 PM
Freud spoke of the speech of our mother-tongue as being guarded against forgetting. But it also succumbs to another disturbance, familiar to us as "slips of the tongue." I think you are relating slips of the tongue to dreams and the interpretation of both. But frankly, it's not clear to me. You are avoiding commas at the ends of lines, maybe because you said my last one had too many of them. In general, I think punctuation is appropriate on a poem of this complexity, including commas as needed for grammar at the ends of lines. The first two lines threw me for awhile. I would change them to: Every image is disguised under normal circumstances. Now, to be extraordinary, Another nit: "lithe, nearly unconscious,"
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	28-Apr-06/2:52 PM
You are right about the correctness of "till." I hate it because it's also digging in the dirt or a cash till. "Until" is best.
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	28-Apr-06/10:30 AM
Good idea on S2, L5. Thanks
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	28-Apr-06/10:29 AM
Although not borrowed, I think “mighty” sounds too antiquated. It’s gone.
Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	27-Apr-06/8:06 PM
Hats off to anyone who writes a paradelle without mistake. I find no mistakes here! And it actually makes some sense. This is not easy. http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=107380 “The paradelle is one of the more demanding French fixed forms, first appearing in love poetry of the eleventh century,” says Billy Collins. “It’s a poem of four six-line stanzas in which the first and second lines, and the third and fourth lines, of the first three stanzas, must be identical. The fifth and sixth lines, which traditionally resolve these stanzas, must use all the words from the preceding lines and only those words. The final stanza must use every word from all the preceding stanzas and only those words.” Let the others figure it out.
Re: Cry by Sunny	27-Apr-06/6:41 PM
Not a perfect edit. Use what you can: I do it when the knot under my chest bone swells when it spews up my throat dollop – splat onto the floor, mouth still open from a belly-knot I cry when no conclusions are made - boney shuttering shoulders and lonely back porch to spill onto, hands over my eyes, face in sin, red blotches and runny eyeliner. The mourning that bellows from my lips, rises uncontrolled, as God culls my rueful song
Re: Deja Vu by sliver	27-Apr-06/6:32 PM
You've defined Deja Vu. What else?
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	27-Apr-06/6:29 PM
I like the sentiment of this. The idea is right on. "till" should be "til" or "'til". "Touch a patch of land that needs you most" could lose the "most". The last line is unneeded, I think, or change "my" to "a."
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	26-Apr-06/10:18 AM
Poemranker's been nearly dead for a week. Anybody care to tell me why.
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	25-Apr-06/5:41 PM
It does seem salted heavily with commas. That's partly due to the grotesquely large size of commas in the font, and partly because grammetical correctness demands them, I believe. Still, it's often profitable to sacrifice grammar and health or looks.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	25-Apr-06/9:32 AM
"clarity a surrogate to vacuity" seems a complicated thing to say. I'm not sure that it has meaning. Verse 2 is nice, in a strange way. Doves resting on gargoyles does conjure images. Then as Verse 3 carries the image to you personally, well, I don't exactly get it, but it's strangely nice.
Re: one by Adriaan	25-Apr-06/9:26 AM
A flying fish, I presume. If so, then good first two lines, despite the 5-7-5 sin. The third line says little, it seems.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	25-Apr-06/9:14 AM
Appalling
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	24-Apr-06/7:56 PM
"Dissever from reality"? I think you mean, "sever reality" "the people" seems unneeded - who elsw would you show it to? I don't know what you mean by "my separated hair." "to discriminate from sin that WHICH divides my head into halves." - a provocative line with lots of implications. "at night" at the end seems unnecessary. Does it matter whether or not it's at night.