some deleted user
on After a Show at the Lyceum by andrew barnes
21 May 2005, 2:13 PM
This is so much nicer than the 'Make a mark' rubbish elsewhere
Except for the last five lines this is plainly a 20th Century Fox Disaster scenario. Let's add some fun:
As Mabus' toes were freezing off, he lighted a match to thaw them.
Right at that moment, God lifted His hem
and farted,
with a soft crackle
the universe exploded
and the end of immortality smothered even Satans cackle
Quite jolly ! Even for a comic piece the repetition of "go" in lines 5 and 6 is iritating !
Liked the title.....interesting rhyming scheme but found the rhymes themselves too obvious. Content seemed unfocused.... obvious passion but was this written for the reader or the author ?
I'm asking because I found only ghazal related sites in what I suppose is Urdu...
A ghazal is an Urdu poetry form? I assume that here you maintain a traditional form. It's not the repetition that irritates me, but the abridgement. Why not 'underneath'? And why not 'underneath the moon' as a seperate line?
Hmm...I wouldn't say that this one sucks but the choice of soft birds is not strong. The reference to Talia's need for darkness is a good one. Why not replace the downy birds for something that is more in line with vampires? It doesn't have to turn into a cliché (like mine, but I also wrote a few vampire poems that are quite unorthodox, I'll try to translate them. I love the subject) and if you go careful about it you can still hide her true nature untill the end. Because that's what you obviously wanted.
in the 4th stanza, you use enjambment and that makes the poem flow. this is the standard you should hold the others to. the final, as well, works beautifully. in the others, the abrubt endings give a lurching feeling, where i think you need to have more of a slow meander. it's a good start, excellent theme and idea, but the full stops hinder the gist of it. keep at it and you'll get it better.
Is this even a ghazal? I thought ghazals were a string of couplets which made sense individually too. (Like the pearl necklace which looks beautiful while strung together but is worthy of praise while viewed singularly too)
Ghazals have a certain refrain in the 2nd line of every couplet (and both lines of the first) added with a monorhyme before the refrain.
You need to address yourself in the last couplet (called signature couplet)
Well, there are around 50 rules to make a concrete ghazal and this follows none.
I like the content though.....6
PS: I don't post much on this site, but I'd put up few of my ghazals now if you'd like to look at them.
Well, "down" is another word for the soft feathers of a bird's plumage. "Slake" is used to describe how these birds calmed Talia's temper. I reluctantly looked in a dictionary and came up with: "To lessen the force or activity of"
I found out that 'slake' also means, what we call, 'squelched chalk'. It seems that raw chalk is agressive, like sulfuric acid, and there's a process to neutralize it. I'm interested to know what place it has in the poem, because I couldn't find what 'birds of down' stands for.
I hate to spoil your disillusioned fantasy, but the scores on this site do not always accurately reflect the quality or lack of quality of most of these poems.
<< you might suddenly find yourself on the Best list. From there on it gets ugly >>
Yes! Yes! Crack that whip! Lash me some more Ahhhhhhh
You're probably right.
That's like moving away from America because some people abuse democracy. Sure we have a few characters who regularly give a 10 combined with a comment that means zero. And we have revenge voting - 1 for 1, and thank-you voting - 10 for 10. And we have a few who give a 10 to certain individuals regardless of their poem, even if it is intended as worthless jest.
After you've been here a while, you might suddenly find yourself on the Best list. From there on it gets ugly. But you can see there's no more reason to join the bogus voting crowd than there is to stop voting.
I DO know what slake means. I think you have used it poorly here. I know exactly what I am doing with my language, thank you. Read the scores. This one sucks (and I didn't even vote on it)!
Yes, I'm goin to ignore 'm from now on and also refrain from voting myself. A comment can be so much more useful.