Re: After a Show at the Lyceum by andrew barnes	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/2:13 PM
This is so much nicer than the 'Make a mark' rubbish elsewhere
Re: Making a Mark by andrew barnes	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/2:10 PM
Except for the last five lines this is plainly a 20th Century Fox Disaster scenario. Let's add some fun: As Mabus' toes were freezing off, he lighted a match to thaw them. Right at that moment, God lifted His hem and farted, with a soft crackle the universe exploded and the end of immortality smothered even Satans cackle
Re: Cardiovascular workout formula by abi	andrew barnes 62.31.216.18	21-May-05/12:25 PM
Quite jolly ! Even for a comic piece the repetition of "go" in lines 5 and 6 is iritating !
Re: Bilateral by Hadasl	andrew barnes 62.31.216.18	21-May-05/12:22 PM
Liked the title.....interesting rhyming scheme but found the rhymes themselves too obvious. Content seemed unfocused.... obvious passion but was this written for the reader or the author ?
Re: Ransom by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/11:40 AM
The 'broken Angel' doesn't make it any clearer to me. It's almost as if you don't want to talk about other victims and only about yourself. It would make more sense if you did just that. Sorry, but that's how I read it.
Re: a comment on A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/11:35 AM
I'm asking because I found only ghazal related sites in what I suppose is Urdu...
Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/11:33 AM
A ghazal is an Urdu poetry form? I assume that here you maintain a traditional form. It's not the repetition that irritates me, but the abridgement. Why not 'underneath'? And why not 'underneath the moon' as a seperate line?
Re: a comment on Talia Eternal by Enkidu	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/11:13 AM
Hmm...I wouldn't say that this one sucks but the choice of soft birds is not strong. The reference to Talia's need for darkness is a good one. Why not replace the downy birds for something that is more in line with vampires? It doesn't have to turn into a cliché (like mine, but I also wrote a few vampire poems that are quite unorthodox, I'll try to translate them. I love the subject) and if you go careful about it you can still hide her true nature untill the end. Because that's what you obviously wanted.
Re: a comment on Crossing the Mojave by INTRANSIT	<~> 216.195.164.215	21-May-05/9:51 AM
in the 4th stanza, you use enjambment and that makes the poem flow. this is the standard you should hold the others to. the final, as well, works beautifully. in the others, the abrubt endings give a lurching feeling, where i think you need to have more of a slow meander. it's a good start, excellent theme and idea, but the full stops hinder the gist of it. keep at it and you'll get it better.
Re: a comment on Ransom by windyone	windyone 63.245.189.142	21-May-05/6:29 AM
It was the street where I lived
Re: In (ghazal) by INTRANSIT	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	21-May-05/2:16 AM
Is this even a ghazal? I thought ghazals were a string of couplets which made sense individually too. (Like the pearl necklace which looks beautiful while strung together but is worthy of praise while viewed singularly too) Ghazals have a certain refrain in the 2nd line of every couplet (and both lines of the first) added with a monorhyme before the refrain. You need to address yourself in the last couplet (called signature couplet) Well, there are around 50 rules to make a concrete ghazal and this follows none. I like the content though.....6 PS: I don't post much on this site, but I'd put up few of my ghazals now if you'd like to look at them.
Re: a comment on Talia Eternal by Enkidu	Enkidu 207.200.116.132	20-May-05/9:51 PM
Well, "down" is another word for the soft feathers of a bird's plumage. "Slake" is used to describe how these birds calmed Talia's temper. I reluctantly looked in a dictionary and came up with: "To lessen the force or activity of"
Re: a comment on Talia Eternal by Enkidu	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	20-May-05/7:20 PM
I found out that 'slake' also means, what we call, 'squelched chalk'. It seems that raw chalk is agressive, like sulfuric acid, and there's a process to neutralize it. I'm interested to know what place it has in the poem, because I couldn't find what 'birds of down' stands for.
Re: a comment on Talia Eternal by Enkidu	Enkidu 207.200.116.132	20-May-05/6:01 PM
I hate to spoil your disillusioned fantasy, but the scores on this site do not always accurately reflect the quality or lack of quality of most of these poems.
Re: a comment on Blue Executioner by Caducus	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	20-May-05/5:38 PM
<< you might suddenly find yourself on the Best list. From there on it gets ugly >> Yes! Yes! Crack that whip! Lash me some more Ahhhhhhh
Re: a comment on To Making Do by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-May-05/4:32 PM
You're probably right.
Re: a comment on Blue Executioner by Caducus	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-May-05/4:30 PM
That's like moving away from America because some people abuse democracy. Sure we have a few characters who regularly give a 10 combined with a comment that means zero. And we have revenge voting - 1 for 1, and thank-you voting - 10 for 10. And we have a few who give a 10 to certain individuals regardless of their poem, even if it is intended as worthless jest. After you've been here a while, you might suddenly find yourself on the Best list. From there on it gets ugly. But you can see there's no more reason to join the bogus voting crowd than there is to stop voting.
Re: Talia Eternal by Enkidu	Alizarin_Crimson 24.250.22.18	20-May-05/1:53 PM
I DO know what slake means. I think you have used it poorly here. I know exactly what I am doing with my language, thank you. Read the scores. This one sucks (and I didn't even vote on it)!
Re: a comment on Blue Executioner by Caducus	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	20-May-05/1:45 PM
Yes, I'm goin to ignore 'm from now on and also refrain from voting myself. A comment can be so much more useful.
Re: a comment on Ransom by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	20-May-05/1:39 PM
Perhaps W meant that 'ransom' stands for emotional blackmail