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Ransom (Free verse) by windyone I heard your cries broken Angel
they were echos of mine long ago
He said he was my friend,
as he led me into the room inside
He said he had something to show me
and in my innocence I followed
Such a long time ago, but never forgotten
Up the ladder:
Tonight at the Bar, a Short Story Poem
Down the ladder:
Broken Clay
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 2.5
Posted: May 19, 2005 1:03 AM PDT; Last modified: May 21, 2005 6:32 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.8814354 Overall Rank: 9992 Comments:
Where does the ransom come into it?
at 3 am
No, really! It's a good question and one you should answer. I don't see how any captive or seized property is redeemed by paying money or complying with other demands.
And DoubleU's revision below is perfect in its first verse. From there it slides a bit. But I think you need to pay closer attention to the comments. I'll admit that the votes you got on this are very low, mine included, and I'm beginning to see you might be a better poet than we first thought, so please ransom yourself with some thoughtful answers to DoubleU and Cristof.
What I wanted to show is how you can fold back the poem to it openings line. You don't even have to change your own version if you really don't want to, just add some sort of reference to that person in the first line.
Perhaps W meant that 'ransom' stands for emotional blackmail
It was the street where I lived
The first two lines are quite telling, actually. I better not react without thinking it over well.
Somehow past en present do not interlink, Windyone. Somebody's crying which triggers off your own (let's personalize this for the moment) experience from long ago, but you do not explain the other person -the cause of your reverting back in time- any further, which leaves the poem sort of unfinished. Do you mind if I try to tackle this? If you do, I can always delete it again. Your cries, echoes of mine from long ago He was my friend he said long ago and not so His words gotta show you something and I followed my innocence and him into the room, uninhabitated for so long but not forgotten My words fail, hear me crying for you
The 'broken Angel' doesn't make it any clearer to me. It's almost as if you don't want to talk about other victims and only about yourself. It would make more sense if you did just that. Sorry, but that's how I read it.
Broken Angel was a poem I read about a young child that was raped
and no one heard her cries, it evoked long repressed memories
OK; my incomprehension may lay in the fact that I'm foreign and don't know the poem you refer to. I stay with my opinion however that this related cause, speaking (crying) from a poem, plays a hugh part in the reliving of your own trauma. And you must not restrict that cause to only one line. The girl, the Broken Angel, is literally pushed off. And that's also a reason why your poem does not emotionalizes. To yourself, perhaps; not to others.
In my view you made a remarkable mistake. I would never have dwelled on it so long, had it not been for a subject so heavy and so delicate at the same time. If writing about it the way you do here makes you feel better, go on. But don't publish it if your aim is to touch readers. You won't because this way you are not sharing. (underlined) In general I dislike writers who stay enclosed within themselves, Don 't go this road. 257 view(s)
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<<and in my innocence I followed>>
I now realise that your poem may leave something truly horrible unsaid: rape. Believe me, I wouldn't snigger at that. But don't expect me to draw that conclusion from a poem that fails to communicate emotionally.