Re: a comment on Making a Mark by andrew barnes	andrew barnes 80.195.91.19	23-May-05/5:46 AM
"undulated Satan's poetry" ? Do you really mean it looks like the gently rolling hills of hell or perhaps you just couldn't spell undiluted ?
Re: a comment on Making a Mark by andrew barnes	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/12:06 AM
I have to admit; there's 16 lines of pure, undulated Satan's poetry in this...
Re: spherical by Patsy	Alizarin_Crimson 68.227.184.146	22-May-05/4:22 PM
Yay!
Re: a comment on Return by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	22-May-05/3:15 PM
...Verse libre? This?? If you want 'freedom', then why don't you do it like this?: 'Of touch hand gentle your the.'
Re: a comment on Rock of the Earth by ingwa	ingwa 80.46.158.47	22-May-05/2:50 PM
Richa, thank you for your very welcome comments. I appreciate your reference to the first stanza that gone by repeated twice doesn't quite fit. I will have to work on that. What would you recommend that I do to improve the rhythm? I haven't been writing for too long and it would be nice to crack this perfectly. Mark
Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	richa 81.178.138.147	22-May-05/1:48 PM
boon, goon and croon are forced rhymes and if references are your thing (i.e. aashik's soul) use some more it makes the poem interesting. Other than that well done.
Re: Making a Mark by andrew barnes	richa 81.178.138.147	22-May-05/1:44 PM
Fair enough. I agree with W though. There is a missed opportunity to be creative in the early part.
Re: Ungrateful by Damien_	richa 81.178.138.147	22-May-05/1:38 PM
:)
Re: Rock of the Earth by ingwa	richa 81.178.138.147	22-May-05/1:33 PM
Quite like the first verse although the 'ages gone by' and then 'hunts gone by' sounds inelegant and before I die seems a bit melodramatic. Sonically speaking the poem does not hang together well, the rhythm is all over the place.
Re: a comment on Return by windyone	windyone 63.245.189.142	22-May-05/12:18 PM
rules.. rules... why again was it that the french invented vers libre? Oh yes I remember :-)
Re: To Making Do by Dovina	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.205.217	22-May-05/11:03 AM
A lot of talking to yourself on this one, Dovina. Is that a sign of a sound mind? It seems a bit of a "brag." Maybe I just envy you your last stanza. My poem would end in opposite tone. -8- For lording your freedom over an oppressed mass--Me.
Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	Shuushin 64.223.163.187	22-May-05/9:22 AM
Lovely images and the repetition blends nicely without become washed out. I'm not very familiar with the stories related to Aashik-e-Rasool, but surely this must do them justice.
Re: Return by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	22-May-05/8:41 AM
This is a romantic poem. Nothing wrong with that, but you present an awful collection of platitudes here. << I hear your joy for life in your voice >> for instance can be told in many ways. You choose the most basic of linguistic expressions. You could turn it into this: 'Your voice sings out your joy for life' There are probably a million alternatives. Work 'm out and choose one that complements the rhythm of your poem. The line with the Cardinals alsmost reads like a newspaper headline: CARDINALS CALLING OUT FROM TREES - United Nations In Session For Emergency Debate... Do a bit more with those cardinals (a bird I suppose, it's not in my dictionary). For instance, << the gentle touch of your hand >>, another platitude we better leave to Norah Jones, could be connected to the cardinals: 'a bird's wing touches my hand, yours' I'm sure some pop crooner used this gem before, but at least it gives a more poet image, and by placing her hand to the next line altogether, you heighten dramatics. Don't hesitate to insert Dreamworks trickery in poetry! Poetry is playing with words, and hardly anything else! F*ck the 'I wormed this undulated out of my intelligently tormented soul-arse'. What I often do, is make thumbnail sketches. And then I start looking at them. I mean, really LOOKING. What do I want to communicate? Well, I'm in love! I'm in love more than anyone else! I want the world to stop turning and look my way and see how much in love I am! Then you better come up with something that really grasps people's attention. << The way your eyes light up when you smile >> 'The way'. WHAT way? Those lighted-up eyes leave me completely in the dark. 'I'm blinded by the light from your eyes' or 'I want so much to see your eyes but I'm blinded by their light(s)' I'm shuddering right now... I myself would do it quite different: 'The light in your eyes could open mine and squelche my thirst but it blinds me first and then scorches me' Now various other PR's must be shuddering... But see what I mean Windyone? Don't just write down your feelings and leave it at that. Mould and sculpture them.
Re: a comment on Return by windyone	windyone 63.245.189.142	22-May-05/6:01 AM
Depicable voting record? I vote, so am confused...and I appreciate your comments..so please explain yours.
Re: a comment on Return by windyone	windyone 63.245.189.142	22-May-05/5:59 AM
Re: Ungrateful by Damien_	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/6:51 PM
I'll vote, as a punishment for those godawful capitals. Barbarics. Squirting Heinz Dracula jism onto the virginial limbs of french fries; another such sin
Re: Return by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/4:38 PM
I react solely because of that despicable zero voting. Do you, or do you not want a comment on this poem, Windyone? Because frankly, I get sick & tired of 'hurting' people while my only goal is to help others, and subsequently myself, to make better poems.
Re: a comment on Ransom by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/4:17 PM
OK; my incomprehension may lay in the fact that I'm foreign and don't know the poem you refer to. I stay with my opinion however that this related cause, speaking (crying) from a poem, plays a hugh part in the reliving of your own trauma. And you must not restrict that cause to only one line. The girl, the Broken Angel, is literally pushed off. And that's also a reason why your poem does not emotionalizes. To yourself, perhaps; not to others. In my view you made a remarkable mistake. I would never have dwelled on it so long, had it not been for a subject so heavy and so delicate at the same time. If writing about it the way you do here makes you feel better, go on. But don't publish it if your aim is to touch readers. You won't because this way you are not sharing. (underlined) In general I dislike writers who stay enclosed within themselves, Don 't go this road.
Re: a comment on Ransom by windyone	windyone 63.245.189.142	21-May-05/3:42 PM
Broken Angel was a poem I read about a young child that was raped and no one heard her cries, it evoked long repressed memories
Re: a comment on Blue Executioner by Caducus	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.138	21-May-05/2:37 PM
Shit. I'm still trying to get on the WORST list! Until I have succeded, I cannot call myself a true poet. What of that?