Re: a comment on Swoon by Dovina	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/6:49 PM
It's now chaos. I tried to correct a mistake, and forgot the comment does not return to the same place...
Re: a comment on Swoon by Dovina	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/6:48 PM
I've deleted a comment, the wrong words. I'll try again, later.
Re: a comment on Swoon by Dovina	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/6:46 PM
No, I didn't see it wrong. I know these weren't your words, but your lover's. Just the same, you create the impression that you feel obliged to use the words to reinforce your selfesteem as a woman. The words 'respectful' and 'looks past your breasts' are too close for comfort. Even for me.
Re: a comment on Swoon by Dovina	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/6:06 PM
<< I don’t know why you think “sensible, respectful, fun” is an explicit line >> Because I think that most men will find this somewhat irritating. Sort of feministic nagging. Maybe I'm wrong on this, it doesn't irritate ME, I simply would have liked a less direct word choice. I can't give an advice, you'll have to work it yourself. Again- maybe I'm totally wrong on this. I'm often held for a woman. I'm gay (aha!) but I'm not in the least feminine. The last time I wore high heels I was three years old. Yet I'm aware I lack the harshness of most hetero men.
Re: a comment on Swoon by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/5:30 PM
I’m sorry for referring to you as a woman in some of my comments. Don’t know where I got that. The poem is all one sentence, hence the “and”’s connecting its parts, and the ? at the end. I don’t know why you think “sensible, respectful, fun” is an explicit line. They were his words while I leaned back against him and he talked of my connection with the women in my ancestry while we looked at the city hall which my great grandfather promoted during his service to the city in 1890. The man I was with likened me to my great grandmother in such a historically compelling way that I almost could not stand.
Re: Spontaneous Combustion by wilco	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/4:42 PM
the repetition works very well.
Re: Swoon by Dovina	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/4:38 PM
<< sensible, respectful, fun >> I can imagine why you add this (can I? I'm a man), but I wished you had kept it out. Or at least express the unique line of womanhood in a less explicit way. The way these (those) two people are presented is quite strong, I like the way their closeness is described. A wife's breast as an inspiration for an architect; wonderful. Five sentences beginning with 'and'. Too much? It gives the poem a cadenza that isn't unpleasant. Almost like a slow waltz. The last line with the question mark: so-so Yes, I like this one.
Re: a comment on Rock of the Earth by ingwa	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/3:58 PM
Quite right Intransit. And sometimes the re-writing even never ends.
Re: a comment on Making a Mark by andrew barnes	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	23-May-05/3:52 PM
Sorry. Satan may see hell as a gently rolling place,(he's the proud owner after all) but I meant 'undiluted'.
Re: Spontaneous Combustion by wilco	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/3:47 PM
Sounds like a Willie Nelson wail.
Re: a comment on Swoon by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/3:43 PM
Yep, and thanks.
Re: Swoon by Dovina	wilco 24.165.207.93	23-May-05/3:41 PM
I can't say that I have. I'm going to assume you have, though, and give this an 8.
Re: Swoon by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/1:56 PM
Thank you, rockmage, for your timely and predictable response. By the way, did you read the poem?
Re: Troublemaker by Patsy	Alizarin_Crimson 68.227.184.146	23-May-05/1:18 PM
yay! You are my favorite!
Re: Return by windyone	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/12:29 PM
Too sappy for general appreciation.
Re: After a Show at the Lyceum by andrew barnes	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/12:24 PM
Nice. "revelling in it" -> "reveling"
Re: Making a Mark by andrew barnes	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/12:14 PM
An interesting scenario of possible outcomes. The ending seems wrong though, because some traces of humanity would doubtless remain. And immortality having a time limit is just mis-worded.
Re: a comment on Rock of the Earth by ingwa	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.204	23-May-05/11:26 AM
Listen. That's the secret to writing good rhythmic poetry. Read it aloud to yourself as if you were reading to an audience. Every hiccup will show. Make a mark or reword the line. Sometimes shuffling the lines helps the beat and the logic too. I've rewritten poems 5 times before posting, no joke. Patience. Listen. That's all it takes.
Re: a comment on To Making Do by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	23-May-05/11:23 AM
If you identify with the male character in this story and feel lorded over by the female character, then please realize that freedom to play with lonely time is to some the freedom to die alone with cancer. To others it’s having lived 52 years with Spina Bifida, beating the odds, and wondering how many more. To others its just being such a jerk of a woman nobody wants you. So if you feel oppressed over exes, divorces, loves gone and so many bills and working hours you can’t keep up, then look up, Lord Garcia-Black, things could be worse. By the way, if I felt lorded over by a poet, I would not be so kind as to vote 8.
Re: Internet Prisoner by avwiz71	windyone 63.245.189.142	23-May-05/7:47 AM
Wonderful and hearwrenching Jon..thanks for sharing