some deleted user
replying on Swoon by Dovina
23 May 2005, 6:49 PM
It's now chaos. I tried to correct a mistake, and forgot the comment does not return to the same place...
No, I didn't see it wrong.
I know these weren't your words, but your lover's. Just the same, you create the impression that you feel obliged to use the words to reinforce your selfesteem as a woman. The words 'respectful' and 'looks past your breasts' are too close for comfort. Even for me.
<< I donât know why you think âsensible, respectful, funâ is an explicit line >>
Because I think that most men will find this somewhat irritating. Sort of feministic nagging. Maybe I'm wrong on this, it doesn't irritate ME, I simply would have liked a less direct word choice. I can't give an advice, you'll have to work it yourself. Again- maybe I'm totally wrong on this.
I'm often held for a woman. I'm gay (aha!) but I'm not in the least feminine. The last time I wore high heels I was three years old.
Yet I'm aware I lack the harshness of most hetero men.
Iâm sorry for referring to you as a woman in some of my comments. Donât know where I got that.
The poem is all one sentence, hence the âandââs connecting its parts, and the ? at the end.
I donât know why you think âsensible, respectful, funâ is an explicit line. They were his words while I leaned back against him and he talked of my connection with the women in my ancestry while we looked at the city hall which my great grandfather promoted during his service to the city in 1890. The man I was with likened me to my great grandmother in such a historically compelling way that I almost could not stand.
the repetition works very well.
<< sensible, respectful, fun >>
I can imagine why you add this (can I? I'm a man), but I wished you had kept it out. Or at least express the unique line of womanhood in a less explicit way.
The way these (those) two people are presented is quite strong, I like the way their closeness is described.
A wife's breast as an inspiration for an architect; wonderful.
Five sentences beginning with 'and'. Too much? It gives the poem a cadenza that isn't unpleasant. Almost like a slow waltz.
The last line with the question mark: so-so
Yes, I like this one.
Quite right Intransit. And sometimes the re-writing even never ends.
Sorry. Satan may see hell as a gently rolling place,(he's the proud owner after all) but I meant 'undiluted'.
Sounds like a Willie Nelson wail.
yay! You are my favorite!
Nice.
"revelling in it" -> "reveling"
An interesting scenario of possible outcomes. The ending seems wrong though, because some traces of humanity would doubtless remain. And immortality having a time limit is just mis-worded.
Listen. That's the secret to writing good rhythmic poetry. Read it aloud to yourself as if you were reading to an audience. Every hiccup will show. Make a mark or reword the line. Sometimes shuffling the lines helps the beat and the logic too.
I've rewritten poems 5 times before posting, no joke. Patience. Listen. That's all it takes.
If you identify with the male character in this story and feel lorded over by the female character, then please realize that freedom to play with lonely time is to some the freedom to die alone with cancer. To others itâs having lived 52 years with Spina Bifida, beating the odds, and wondering how many more. To others its just being such a jerk of a woman nobody wants you. So if you feel oppressed over exes, divorces, loves gone and so many bills and working hours you canât keep up, then look up, Lord Garcia-Black, things could be worse. By the way, if I felt lorded over by a poet, I would not be so kind as to vote 8.
Wonderful and hearwrenching Jon..thanks for sharing