Re: Spontaneous Combustion by wilco	<~> 167.206.181.179	8-Jul-05/6:55 AM
this has a nice bounce to it until the last stanza. why did you break it?
Re: a comment on The choices we make by darby pyn	darby pyn 207.200.116.197	7-Jul-05/10:14 PM
You're right about the rhyme dictating the poem. definitely something to ponder on.
Re: a comment on What's my favorite scar. by darby pyn	darby pyn 207.200.116.197	7-Jul-05/8:16 PM
good point.
Re: Almost Persuaded by Dovina	darby pyn 207.200.116.130	7-Jul-05/3:46 PM
the title seems to imply it's about someone persuading another into having sex. it's ok.... but a little mechanical. it needs more emotion. just my opinion.
Re: a comment on Damned by darby pyn	darby pyn 207.200.116.197	7-Jul-05/3:17 PM
BWC I respect your writing. and you always seem sincere with your questions so I'll try to explain. the poem itself is about the movie "American psycho". I do poems about movies alot. it's just something I like to do."I try to hide but the cacophony in my head scrapes the calcium from my bones and I wilt". this means this person is going crazy. the voices in his head so on and so on are wearing on him he tries to hide by doing normal things tries hobbies etc. but he's loosing the fight his compulsion to kill is taking over. he is wilting from strengh to fight these urges to become a killer.
Re: a comment on Damned by darby pyn	darby pyn 207.200.116.197	7-Jul-05/3:04 PM
thank you dovina.
Re: Autumn by keatsImnot	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jul-05/2:42 PM
I'd like to see more than just a description of autumn.
Re: London Calling by Bluemonkey	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jul-05/2:40 PM
Good except for "twisted game of evolution."
Re: Precious Smile by TLRufener	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jul-05/2:36 PM
Should end with "Lock up everything that is real" A lot of repeated ideas, but the theme is good.
Re: Autumn by keatsImnot	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.130.168.209	7-Jul-05/2:33 PM
Autumn by definition is a time.
Re: Damned by darby pyn	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jul-05/2:33 PM
paralax stutters a beautiful disguise interaction is a pendulum These are the good lines in my opinion.
Re: London Calling by Bluemonkey	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.130.168.209	7-Jul-05/2:31 PM
ok
Re: Damned by darby pyn	Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 71.130.168.209	7-Jul-05/2:30 PM
not one of these lines produces any pictures or feelings in me. Mostly, I'm just confused. for instance: what does hiding have to do with wilting?
Re: a comment on Born and Fed by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jul-05/1:19 PM
Nothing I can see makes a calf run and jump right after he’s born and fed, other than fun. Maybe he has some other concern, but it’s not evident. When you say, “The thing that concerns me is having fun,” how is that different?
Re: a comment on Born and Fed by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jul-05/1:18 PM
I presume you mean the meter is wrong. Surely, finding a tit is top priority for the calf.
Re: a comment on My Little Africa (edit) by Nuit	Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99	7-Jul-05/10:28 AM
I was being sarcastic, you dimwit.
Re: Crying Tears with No Home by TLRufener	Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99	7-Jul-05/9:30 AM
Not terrible but the grammtical and spelling mistakes are very noticeable. If you're going to write a poem in honor of your friend, you should at least take the ime to proofread it.
Re: Crack baby by Caducus	keatsImnot 193.117.108.69	7-Jul-05/7:54 AM
Some great lines "seeded fruit and rotten core"
Re: Crack baby by Caducus	Caducus 172.202.228.131	7-Jul-05/7:10 AM
FIXED !
Re: a comment on sad moments by rbooey	rbooey 82.42.64.158	7-Jul-05/3:34 AM
i wasn't really thinking about god when i wrote it,and you're probably right about the poker.