zodiac
replying on Rejuvenation by Dovina
29 Sep 2005, 5:18 AM
Yes. I believe I've said thrice now that you're bumbling for assuming that the purpose of any species is continuation, and doubly so for thinking that by not admitting that what you're really saying is "the purpose of any species is continuation" you're somehow getting around that. Still not getting it? Try this:
Saying the purpose of a species is to reproduce in order to continue is THE SAME THING as saying the purpose of a species is to continue.
If you're going to argue with something, argue with that, at least.
Or on second thought, don't. Just please, please, please for once in your life listen to either -=Dark_Angel=- or me. The "purpose" of a hammer is to drive in nails - we all know that. However, I own a hammer which has never driven in nails but has, for the entirety of its existence, been a doorstop. Does this mean the hammer's existence is wasted? Does it mean the hammer has failed to accomplish its purpose, or that it has bumbled off the path in pursuit of a WRONG purpose? No, of course not. Especially since, as far as my house is concerned and probably even farther, the only thing determining a hammer's purpose is I, me, zodiac (and Mrs zodiac, of course. She rules.)
Are we agreed to this point? Good. Now extend the metaphor to a human living in the universe. Questions:
1) Who is the "zodiac" in the larger, universal metaphor?
2) That is, who is defining species' purpose like I (or hammer manufacturers, if you will,) define my hammer's purpose?
3) God?
4) Do you really think so?
5) If no one except the person living in the universe (or me using my hammer) decides what the purpose of life (or hammering) is, can it not really be anything we want it to?
6) If an evolutionary scientist (or some hammer expert) tried to tell me what the purpose of my life (or hammer) was, I'd probably hammer his fucking eggy head. I know this isn't a question.
7) In short, don't you seem kind of off your rocker on this?
yeah i feel it ...u are right feeling misplaced not made for this world ...the grieving beauty of ur poem made me ocean of emotion cant be rest
My fingers are like the small branches from limbs (my arms) and from which leaves grow, at least that's the image I wanted.
Good except "leaves from my fingers" seems to have no metaphoric or symbolic reason and is not based in reality either. Maybe something more like "leaves in my hair".
The title reminds me of that Redford and Fonda movie.
If I can believe a figment when he says he’s Vin Diesel, then the actor I see as a god-like hunk is not real. Are you really he, for if your are, I am in a state of delusion and must surrender all I hold dear. Surely not!
My name is Vin Diesel and yes behold I am the Lord God.
Is your name Zeus, Holy Father, or Dovina? And who is the figment?
Your spelling of “flavor” leads a casual reader to think you might be English. If so, you’ve got to bear down and write your complaints using vulgar and insulting language, or ruin the image the English have created here. hear! hear!
The last stanza didn't have the same flavour as the first two....felt it was kinda lacking there.
As it turns out I can not really hear you for I am only a figment of your imagination.
Too many words. "charred room that had once been ablaze" for example, could be just "charred room."
Good, and moves to a goal. The last few lines wrap it up nicely.
Speculation and joining of speculated ideas is what poetry is and what you've done here. Just leave off the opening remark.
Hear the Gospel According to Dovina! How dare you question it?
Haunting once you become engaged the piece
The clarity with which you recount emotional reasoning is very good here, ther are however lines like:
Nor a faint sense of grime
That break from the rhythm and flow of the piece without having any apparent purpose in being there (am I missing something? what is a faint sense of grime?). The other problem that I have is that there are several changes in the structure of the piece, that break the flow with a new structure each time you move from verse to verse. This can be quite effective when you want the reader to pause for thought or you want to provide a contrast, but here I think a more flowing structure would assist.
Analogy is well used here, the second verse feels a bit long for my likings, some kind of break or use of a bit more varied language might have pulled me in a bit more in that verse, rather than just being compelled to glance it over.
You wouldn't lose the commentary, only the votes. The other misspelling is 'knash' for 'gnash'.
chorde is cord and there is another spelling mistake in here somewhere, but i dont wont to lose the commentry by changing it. If whispers of me to enter makes no sense to you, then perhaps a browse through some slightly less modern work may assist, in any case the gate is tempting me through in this instance.