Re: a comment on How Angels Smell by Dovina	ALChemy 65.188.89.69	28-Sep-05/7:23 AM
As it turns out I can not really hear you for I am only a figment of your imagination.
Re: Electric Light by cyan9	Dovina 216.153.142.11	28-Sep-05/5:41 AM
Too many words. "charred room that had once been ablaze" for example, could be just "charred room."
Re: Sunrise On The Slag Heap by Caducus	Dovina 216.153.142.11	28-Sep-05/5:37 AM
Good, and moves to a goal. The last few lines wrap it up nicely.
Re: Of the Lady on the Bridge by Verse2Verse	Dovina 216.153.142.11	28-Sep-05/5:33 AM
Speculation and joining of speculated ideas is what poetry is and what you've done here. Just leave off the opening remark.
Re: a comment on How Angels Smell by Dovina	Dovina 216.153.142.11	28-Sep-05/5:27 AM
Hear the Gospel According to Dovina! How dare you question it?
Re: Of the Lady on the Bridge by Verse2Verse	cyan9 217.40.63.105	27-Sep-05/2:44 AM
Haunting once you become engaged the piece
Re: Disaster in Disguise by Miggy	cyan9 217.40.63.105	27-Sep-05/1:55 AM
The clarity with which you recount emotional reasoning is very good here, ther are however lines like: Nor a faint sense of grime That break from the rhythm and flow of the piece without having any apparent purpose in being there (am I missing something? what is a faint sense of grime?). The other problem that I have is that there are several changes in the structure of the piece, that break the flow with a new structure each time you move from verse to verse. This can be quite effective when you want the reader to pause for thought or you want to provide a contrast, but here I think a more flowing structure would assist.
Re: Pebbles by Verse2Verse	cyan9 217.40.63.105	27-Sep-05/1:47 AM
Analogy is well used here, the second verse feels a bit long for my likings, some kind of break or use of a bit more varied language might have pulled me in a bit more in that verse, rather than just being compelled to glance it over.
Re: she is... by Sapphire	cyan9 217.40.63.105	27-Sep-05/1:45 AM
Cute, the word spice gathers a bit of interest here. It is short and simple and perhaps a bit too simple to stand on its own, inclusion as a verse within a larger piece may produce a more involving result.
Re: a comment on Electric Light by cyan9	Tintagiles 142.166.254.117	27-Sep-05/1:07 AM
You wouldn't lose the commentary, only the votes. The other misspelling is 'knash' for 'gnash'.
Re: a comment on Electric Light by cyan9	cyan9 62.253.128.14	27-Sep-05/12:20 AM
chorde is cord and there is another spelling mistake in here somewhere, but i dont wont to lose the commentry by changing it. If whispers of me to enter makes no sense to you, then perhaps a browse through some slightly less modern work may assist, in any case the gate is tempting me through in this instance.
Re: a comment on nicholson by ay deee	Tintagiles 142.166.234.75	26-Sep-05/7:18 PM
The answer to your question, of course.
Re: Electric Light by cyan9	Tintagiles 142.166.234.75	26-Sep-05/7:14 PM
I'm presuming 'chorde' is 'cord'? And 'that whispers of me to enter' -- should that me 'whispers to me' or was the gate whispering about it, in which case 'to enter' makes no sense. Very well written, though.
Re: Servant Girl or Princess? by TLRufener	Tintagiles 142.166.234.75	26-Sep-05/7:11 PM
Was he in shining armour at the ball? Must be a pretty tough guy to dance the Volta with sixty kilos of metal on him...
Re: a comment on nicholson by ay deee	ay deee 204.90.50.252	26-Sep-05/1:52 PM
what the hell is that?
Re: Servant Girl or Princess? by TLRufener	cyan9 62.253.128.14	26-Sep-05/12:47 PM
Gratuitously emetic
Re: Escapism by vulcan	cyan9 62.253.128.14	26-Sep-05/12:46 PM
Too True
Re: Looking Up by Verse2Verse	cyan9 62.253.128.14	26-Sep-05/12:45 PM
Gentle, moody and contemplatative (a very nice combination) - there is sufficient thought within the first paragraphs to force me to ask where I can read more of your work (a rarity). I would say I lost the thread a bit in the middle verse though, but was so enchanted by the end of the second verse that I quickly glanced over that.
Re: Electric Light by cyan9	Verse2Verse 69.207.123.92	26-Sep-05/11:58 AM
Nice write, intricate.
Re: The Death of an Octopus by tianyi	Tintagiles 142.166.250.105	25-Sep-05/8:54 PM
The Villanelle's much better.