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she is... (Free verse) by Sapphire of earth and spice, had carried in on wind
crisp of air and orbs, sky
blue tinged
apple cheeks with flesh begging to be bitten
flamed ropes
falling over shoulders, i'm smitten
Up the ladder:
pavement
Down the ladder:
A story of forever
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0869565
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.0853925 Overall Rank: 6369 Comments:
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nentwined @
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16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
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Reply
very cool =)
you have a decent lexicon..... of images and scents and experiences...you should keep writing. Just keep it real. Close to the earth. Write poems like you're driving a tank....!
Talk about having a crush on someone! *L*
OK .. slight; pity about "begging to be bitten", the rest is fresh.
Beautiful- though the meter is a bit wierd. I'd suggest either making it non-rhyming, or rearranging the lines to make them line up exactly.
I don't quite understand it, but I love the words; earth and spice, air and orbs. (9)
What are apple cheeks? "Had carried" is an odd transition and possibly inncorrect. It confuses the entire attempt.
she sounds tempting and delicious. i don't think you need 'had' in the first line.
The second two lines redeem the first, which are confused. By the end though, I'm smitten too.
Cute, the word spice gathers a bit of interest here. It is short and simple and perhaps a bit too simple to stand on its own, inclusion as a verse within a larger piece may produce a more involving result.
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