Poemranker [Poem: Disaster in Disguise] [by Miggy] Thu Nov 21 21:44:45 PST 2024

As I try to recover From that unfortunate flight Donât want to remember What happened that night Thought I had certainty in my mistakes But my conscience still has doubt People chat as they glance at me Though I donât know what theyâre talking aboutâ¦ about (Chorus) Donât see what I did wrong When I look with my eyes But now that I've opened them Saw a disaster in disguise Wanted to have some joy Instead got these cries All because I made This disaster in disguise Hoped that I would be free At least in my lonely mind Cause I donât have sanity Nor a faint sense of grime So Iâm being put though all the blame For doing something others dare not try And to place myself with all this shame Is not as bad as a second timeâ¦ time (Chorus) Labeled as stable With a million other reps For what happened I acted Only inside my head Blemishes diminish When these people forget Became a winner or sinner Just in that day (Chorus/Ending) (props to jk for his usual help)

[7] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 28-Mar-04/6:00 AM | Reply

But now that I[ve] opened them

I dunno mig - its true that the rhymes are typically simple for a popoular song, but I feel like some of these exist just for the sake of rhyme.

What's this one about?

[6] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 | 27-Sep-05/1:55 AM | Reply

The clarity with which you recount emotional reasoning is very good here, ther are however lines like:

Nor a faint sense of grime

That break from the rhythm and flow of the piece without having any apparent purpose in being there (am I missing something? what is a faint sense of grime?). The other problem that I have is that there are several changes in the structure of the piece, that break the flow with a new structure each time you move from verse to verse. This can be quite effective when you want the reader to pause for thought or you want to provide a contrast, but here I think a more flowing structure would assist.