zodiac
on Eternity by Dovina
25 Oct 2005, 2:40 AM
Woo-hoo. Mt Nebo's here in Jordan, you know. Upward, indeed. Everything except "But the opposite is true / Strength and vigor exhausted" is great. Change that to something less totally didactic and wood-tongued. Or drop it altogether. DOVINA: But that line's the whole point! ZODIAC: Exactly.
I was joking, but now it has hit me that emo fans today probably DON'T know who the Lemonheads, Pixies, Ramones or Moby Grape are. Or that a movie called Reality Bites captured their whole aesthetic the before most of them were even born.
Well, you were never going to be able to get away with the moon's laughter running down your thigh. Nice attempt.
I wish. I'm still in the hole at the bottom of the hole.
You never cease to amaze me. One, what about the goal of evolution? Don't tell me I convinced you. Two, for my part, I can't wait to get back home and start having babies, if only to balance out the morons so shamelessly overreproducing their dumb moron genes. I never thought I'd ever say that.
There are parts I don't like and I'm working on it lyrically, but I got tired of fooling with it tonight. I hate the lost the fight line but thats how I want the line to go (flow wise) and I left it in so I don't forget it later.
Some good lines here, but as a song, and even as a poem, I think it needs a more direct approach, the form of a balad, where the story builds and the rhythm carries it.
The last half kills it for you either because you find it bad writing or because you do not accept what it says, or both. Much of my writing is trying to express what other people think. While my own beliefs and thoughts inevitably seep in, this one is what I think she really wanted to say. Admittedly, the first half is light hearted and half joking, while the second half is Christian belief. You probably like the joking part and object to the belief.
whut?
Come on feel The Lemonheads..
The falling into religion part is great and I rather like the -ly
Uncanny, the similarities with "Eclipse" But you have a baboon.
I shall never become "fixed" or taught, save for taut tied tubes perhaps to save the planet.
Well that's perfectly clear. A pair of rogue homebodies snuggled up in Muslim Alaska. Or so my magic wand would have it. Happy Ramadan.
it's good to read you again.
you nailed it. bravo.