ALChemy
replying on A Modern Woman by Dovina
26 Nov 2005, 10:32 AM
You really wouldn't want to know what men are thinking. You'd be disgusted.
That's no surprise. My last girlfriend was 41 remember.
I would have hoped for something more along the line of:
In 50 years womens thoughts will have turned to how best to prepare the manslave's penis, deep fried or fricasseed.
50 years from now the thoughtds of women will have turned to younger men. I suggest using "you go girl" while "superior sex" still makes us giddy.
Seriously, I think this topic could be made into something big. And male thoughts could help.
Thought you might like this.
http://www.poemhunter.com/p/m/poem.asp?p
Even if all is lost in the Sea of Shamrock Deletion, I shall always remember the day you agreed with me.
I'm getting all verklempt just thinking about it.
By "W" I mean the man we sometimes call "W" and the worm also represents a hidden agenda.
Which ones are too vague? This is one of the things I was most curious about. I think I can learn alot from the reactions on this poem.
Bin Laden is suppose to help localize it to Afghanistan. If I went any further I think I'd be biting off more than I could chew. Slight of hand of justice I think says more than magic of justice. Magic can imply mystical powers where prestidigitation only tends to imply trickery.
I like the Islamic references, but wish you'd leave Bin Laden out. Would be stronger I think just showing the attitudes. And prestidigitation adds nothing over magic. Some good images, but some are vague.
Fall's about ended there I imagine. Time for the morning diamonds, sparkling.
It's one of those coming-of-age stories where the protagonist finally realizes his nemisis woman has won his heart.
Yeah, I tend to be my harshest critic too. Sometimes people like a good jingle.
The third stanza really sounds familiar,(Some song, maybe a PJ Harvey one or something) I wish I could remember it.
My favorite is still "Fade to Black" though.
Nothing too groundbreaking. I'm just starting by grabbing a bunch of words that I find striking, picking a topic and putting as many of those words in while still maintaining something meaningful(kind of a backwards approach). I also wanted to see how far I could take loose rhyme while keeping the scheme in the stanzas the same.
Dictionary.com's backlist of "words of the day" is like a goldmine for the stumped writer.
p.s. This approach has probably been done before but it's new to me. I love when I experiment with artforms because I have no idea what kind of reaction I'm going to get. It's curiously thrilling.
The last verse works in there as a fade out in the song. It reads differently than the others because the music changes somewhat at the end. The serenade is actually supposed to be promenade...I don't know why I wrote serenade...guess I was getting tired or got distracted or something.
Its from I time when I had just discovered the use of embedded rhyming schemes in order to propell listeners through the poem. It is something made more for other people to hear, rather than for me to read. My criticism of it is that it uses too many rhyming words, and could do better with a bit of assonance, it is also quite difficult to understand what it is about.