zodiac
on no title by candaliesa
12 Dec 2005, 12:56 PM
Hi, candaliesa. Welcome to poemranker.
It's clear that you've got the basics of writing poetry down. But I hope you're getting some ideas from these comments about the direction you should go with your writing. That is, away from overused rhymes and toward more specific and original images. A good rule of thumb is: If you've ever heard the rhyme or image you're thinking of using in any poem, song, or book, ever, DON'T USE IT. Don't be afraid to try for unusual connections between ideas or sounds. And don't be afraid to put the include the real details of your life in your poems. That's what hardworking poets have been doing for over a thousand years, and that's why we have so much good poetry.
Do your boyfriend's grooming habits remind you of a duck preening in a pond? Use that!
What is it that reminds you? The way he sniffs his underarms, like a duck rooting under a wing with his bill? Great!
What rhymes with "preening"? Meaning, intervening? Okay! How about "darjeeling"? It's close enough.
Did you ever walk around the city park pond with your boyfriend? Sure!
That's how easy (or how difficult) it is. Watch for images, things, people, you can relate to your life or ideas. Then use them. Try to make the rhymes work for the content. Try to make them distinguish your poem. Don't get discouraged.
Here's a good idea of rhymes that are overused, and how overused they are: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
I will 10-vote all your poems if you can adequately define entropy without looking it up.
I Saw Your Face Last Night
as I lay in bed,
each line, each feature
in the ceiling,
your eyes urgently staring,
lips parted as if to receive.
Sleep distant
your illusion hovered,
reaching to me.
I lay still, staring,
not wishing to lose you
in half-sleep,
I tasted you in mind,
waited for you to invade dreams.
An empty place beside me,
the sheets there cold,
I traced your arms and back.
"than she", not "than her".
Please do us the small courtesy of waiting until you've finished the poem before posting it.
zodiac
on Towards the Sun or The keeper of the bay they call a pond by somemorepoetry
12 Dec 2005, 12:19 PM
Small edits:
- Period after "legs" in stanza 1, instead of semicolon.
- Drop "aside" from stanza 3. At the very least, you need punctuation after "aside".
- Don't repeat "longer" in stanza 4.
- Check your use of "the" and "a" again. Some (ie, 'the longer haze of a lake') is a little jarring.
- "After" in stanza 5, not "Thereafter".
- "I'd found" instead of "I found".
- Change at least stanza 6 to past tense. Probably stanza 7 as well.
That's all. This is the best thing I've read so far today.
It's been done.
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
chthonic, subfusc, oneiric, alpenglow, lambent, prestidigitation,...whew...I hate having to get out the dictionary to look up words in the middle of reading!...are these all real words, or have you made one up?(prestidigitation) and is chthonic said 'Ku-tho-nick'? Was this some maniacal English teacher's assignment? To use these words correctly in a poem?
Okay...that said...cool poem. However, I think that English teacher would say that a comma should be used here and there. (Ex:Their blindness like ours is begotten) and period usage is sketchy at best (Ex:But in the land of sand and dust.)
But...I am not an English teacher, and since you said all this with such flair I will give it a decwent score. However, I can't give you a high score, since you use words such as worms and dust,(among others) that speak with such grit, but then threw in those $10.00 words. It would have been more accessible without them. That said...Amen!
Okay...then might I challenge you to make two versions that make sense standing independently? In a new one, of course!
Lucky Guy
your right, it did sound better that way....so I edited it, which meant the voting score you gave me is now gone.
Had an awful lot of stuff.
My higher level of moral excellence has come about through years of self-imposed discipline. I took to moralizing and reading the Bible from a very young age, and this has made me an excellent judge of moral inferiority. I can quickly spot flaws in my own character, and in the appalling characters of Cockneys. There's no easy way out of moral imperfection. It demands a punishing schedule of introspection and self-degradation. Not the sort of timid, parping-about-when-someone-calls-you-nau
1) The last line of every fake dialogue should be utter silliness. That's the only way.
2) That's fine with me.
3) If some not-angry part of me was "observing" an angry part of me, I'd say I wasn't really angry. I honestly (and not-snarkily) can't see how it could be otherwise.
I admitted I am not excellent in everything. Why do you say, “DOVINA: I'm excellent.”?
In deference to your sensibilities, I would change one sentence in my response to DA. I would change “Congratulations on your feeling of moral excellence” to “Congratulations on your determination of moral excellence. The next sentence, “You must feel very content in that knowledge.” I would not change.
As for standing apart from my angry self, it takes discipline and practice. You should try it.
I apologize for deleting your comment, zodiac. I accidentally hit the little red x.
Here it is to my recollection:
Zodiac: Would you mind clarifying what you mean be "I observe my emotions"? Do you mean that some part of you which is not, say, angry, looks at the angry part without itself feeling anger? Can you really properly say you're angry in that instance? I would really, genuinely, care to understand, but all I come up with is that you're kind of muddy on the idea of emotions in general. For instance:
-=Dark_Angel=-,P.I.: I judge myself to be excellent.
DOVINA: I'm glad you *FEEL* excellent.
-=Dark_Angel=-,P.I.: You are a guff cozy of rather dim emotions.
DOVINA: I'm excellent.
I was with you until "bedposts."
Some good images here, even if seemingly separate from any theme. I fail to see entropy, other than in the title.