Re: a comment on Jailbird by zodiac	zodiac 209.193.18.124	22-Jan-06/10:04 PM
Afraid not. Chat's still busted on my computer.
Re: a comment on Jailbird by zodiac	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/9:56 PM
Chat?
Re: a comment on Jailbird by zodiac	zodiac 209.193.18.124	22-Jan-06/9:50 PM
*I* wasn't really Inside. I was just shut in the office writing. My wife was pacing outside the door. I think at some point she decided to move all the furniture in the adjoining room. So I wrote a poem about her wanting me to die. That's how it works in Chez Zodiac: I ignore you sometimes, but I feel your pain while I do.
Re: My Reason by PoeticXTC	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/9:44 PM
A bit of an odd piece. Seems like love has been a disappointment, and that you are either angry at yourself or with him. Maybe it could have been more clearer.
Re: Jailbird by zodiac	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:52 PM
Tell me, was she( or is it he) really Inside. or was it that she was away and you waited anxiously to reunite, causing you to go off track, like, doing something different.....redecorating, smoking, etc. I might be going totally off-track myself, but I'm trying to reason it out metaphorically. The piece is good, though.
Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:42 PM
A beautiful piece, although I think the last few lines could be rephrased a bit.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:34 PM
I think I get the idea of what you're trying to present, but its too elaborately written. Putting it in as few words as possible could also be effective. The theme behind it is good.
Re: May I Help by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:15 PM
Good work. Seems to be better than the last couple of piece you've posted here.
Re: A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:07 PM
Dovina, correct me if i'm wrong. I stated that I've posted it unedited since having written it last year. This was so that you could read the original piece that was written. This was what I wrote spontaneously for her and had done nothing about it since then. But, all the same, I've said that critique's views are welcome. I agree, I wrote it in a time of deep sorrow, but then, that doesn't mean you can't tell me what portions need editing or what you feel about the poem. When I wrote this and the many other pieces of mine, I had no one to actually guide me, and there was no feed back. I rely on you guys to give me a frank opinion. So be free (and unsympathetic) to air your opinion, especially when asked for. I would really appreciate this.
Re: Jailbird by zodiac	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	22-Jan-06/3:27 PM
I just recently got out of jail... and so this piece catches my fancy quite well. Nine.
Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void	AngelicVampiress 216.76.239.195	22-Jan-06/11:11 AM
a bit repeative but still a very moving and beautiful poem. My favorite part is "waiting endlessly thorough million tears has fallen on this ocean of time it can be something to see me now" I give it an *8*
Re: Burning Night by ifni	AngelicVampiress 216.76.239.195	22-Jan-06/11:08 AM
This is a very good piece. It really is fantastic. *8*
Re: calanais by pollywolly	AngelicVampiress 216.76.239.195	22-Jan-06/11:05 AM
I like this poem. Its kinda dark and mysterious. It sparks my imagination, I can actually see in my mind what you put in words. Very good. I give it an 8. P.S.-Thank you for commenting on my poem as well ;)
Re: Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	22-Jan-06/9:47 AM
I don't like the fact that "fuck" is the most powerful word in this poem. It kind of throws off everything else. Probably because the words leading up to it are so much less agressive. I'd just replace it with a synonym. And if it could rhyme with "teeth" that would be awesome.
Re: The Fragile silhouette of me by Prince of Void	pollywolly 62.30.170.78	22-Jan-06/9:12 AM
i think this is written quite beautifully. it just flows from line to line almost taking you into the void. super!
Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	pollywolly 62.30.170.78	22-Jan-06/9:07 AM
reading this as a loner i can understand the words very well but i also believe those not faced with these feeling could also understand what is being said. great movement in parts " fake smile and hide like a coward ". good piece!
Re: science by whispern_smoke_wisp	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	21-Jan-06/10:08 PM
Can we go any deeper than that?
Re: Desperate Season by Sisterwolf	god'swife 71.103.98.44	21-Jan-06/9:49 PM
Things I Like About This Poem: Terrific assonance and alliterations. 'Between the dawn and darkening there are so few hours of living.' That's a kick ass line. 'Beds are singing' Personally, each winter I wish for summer afternoons, and each summer I look forward to a cold winter's night. The "grass is always greener", that's me. Things I'm Not Crazy About In This Poem: Winter's death is Spring, isn't it? Winter's chilled and stark bearing has fingers. I cannot picture this. I can picture death or winter having fingers, but not either's mien having fingers. Death is used twice within four lines. At first the subject is death and then the subject becomes earth's death. The inconsistency is distracting me. Ancient man. Too vague, too broad. I know there's a better way to say this. How is beyond me(of course, it's always easier said than done). This poem has an erudite mien; 'ancient man' looks lost. Like it was looking for an elementary school textbook and somehow walked into this poem. If the bed is singing I don't think the covers should be humming. How do you feel about the bed singing of warmth etc...? Or the bed could be singing songs of..., lullabies of..., or hymns to warmth and desperate escape. Maybe it would be best to leave the covers out of it. The two sentences in the penultimate stanza seem like questions, yet there are no question marks. Am I reading it wrong? That whole thing about winter not segueing into summer might be solved if you removed 'Then' from the beginning of the stanza. Oh, I'm also very fond of 'one stray thread of sun'. Thread is a perfect metaphor; thin, elusive, and it echos the notion of a thread of hope.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	god'swife 71.103.98.44	21-Jan-06/8:15 PM
You did conjure me, absolutely. The words are perfect. Maybe you can mess around with the structure so you're happier with it, but the images are powerful and consistent. The first time i read this I understood the palate to be compared to a the whale's ribs somehow. now I see it's to the whale's own palate. I just automatically pictured a rib cage just under the whales skin. Hmmmm. Is the last verse in future tense? The rest seems all present. In the fourth line it's future tense. Maybe instead of 'would' 'will' might work there a little better. Maybe 'a palate should be 'your palate' or 'my palate'. My tongue’s loose slide will soon let slip this truth, bruised blue behind these sentinel teeth. We meet, touch, fuck. But we seldom speak more than surface gloss-- From niceties to wordless heat. We move With your hand warm on my neck. I swallow words thick with promise, and glistening like larva trapped in tissue webs, my palate ridged as a whale's. Words that grow pallid like mushrooms in that echoless dark, made slick with the sweat of caves. I devour you, A carnal glide, soft as a worm, down, down, in my rich earth.
Re: Try Thinking Too by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	Roisin 81.151.179.72	21-Jan-06/6:55 PM
Splendid...