Re: a comment on Us Sinners by BrandonW	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/6:00 PM
Ha. That's awesome.
Re: a comment on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/5:50 PM
I like em dashes.
Re: a comment on Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/5:43 PM
Christ--my comment's longer than your poem!
Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/5:42 PM
Pretty cool--the imagery is well done overall. I was confused about "father" though--until the end I though one of her "gleaming sons" was talking to you (in the role of surrogate). Nits: that first semi should be a colon ("One day a one man carnival and then:"). "Who's" should be "whose" (and "whose face as light glows" seems like a word is missing). What I really liked: "gleaming sons"; "flipflop march"; the stream-of-consciousness description/memory of the father's shoes; "You could have said, “Son run, run to the whores, run to your hand, run away from those sins of another man"; the "vapor apparition." What didn't work as well for me (for whatever that's worth): "permanent Santa Clause" (just seems like there must be a better way to say this); "size 11 souls" (think this is a typo--soles--but if not, it's a little too precious). This line: "dream wife who’s face . . . a screen of inner skull” has too many unconnected images--I like the comparison of blood running like lava, but it's not connected to anything else in the poem, and the rush of images--stained glass, lava, starlet on a screen--aren't connected to each other and don't connect to anything else, so it just seems like you were searching for the right analogy but didn't find it (maybe that's deliberate). "Soul mate" is a cliche, and "screen of inner skull" and "frontal lobe" just seems too--I don't know--hard, maybe, or sterile or something. Not sure I get "prophet" shoes. I like the fact that he blames the shoes, somehow, but I don't know if the buildup gets us there. I like the "stretch" intimation of growing, though. Nits and the rest aside, I DO like this a lot. Very imaginative w/good lines and a good story with a tight focus. Hee--I just read Ranger's comment, and isn't it funny how what doesn't work for one person completely works for another? Anyway--take this for what it's worth: one person's opinion. ;-D
Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/5:19 PM
Good attempt! Maybe you shouldn't give it away in the title though. I like "desperate quests." (Because of explorers? That's how I took it.) "Abounding" should be banished from poetry, IMO. Maybe "adorning" or something instead (not that you're subject to my biases). "Notwithstanding" doesn't make sense to me here. I like the idea of acrostics, but sometimes writing to predefined rules can really result in something stilted. Still, fun in a puzzle-like way.
Re: midnight feast by pollywolly	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/5:13 PM
Nicely creepy atmospherics.
Re: a comment on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/5:07 PM
Yeah, I get that a lot. Actually, I haven't quite connected the end to the rest as well as I'd like, but it'll work itself out or not. Again, just a cat. (And me with pretensions of divinity.) Thanks for the read.
Re: a comment on How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	ecargo 172.138.52.137	29-Jan-06/5:04 PM
It's intentionally very simple (most of my stuff is). Just a cat, a moment in time, a connection with time, that's it. Happy to check out PLB.
Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone	some deleted user 24.222.245.130	29-Jan-06/3:53 PM
Frozen nut-turds?
Re: a comment on Send The Devil... by horus8	some deleted user 24.222.245.130	29-Jan-06/3:52 PM
I'm black, blonde, and blue.
Re: The world's shortest poem by ALChemy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Jan-06/2:37 PM
Having seen hundreds of variations on this - all of which were veritable piles of cack - imagine my surprise when I opened one that didn't scream out 'I'm crap! Hate me!' 8 for writing the only form of this that won't get the 'Pimple' rating on the ranker.
Re: a comment on Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Jan-06/2:24 PM
Just a couple of grammatical points 'their' (line 4) and 'who's' (line 12 - should be 'whose'). To be honest I am really being pedantic with them though. On the other hand I did like the 'size 11 souls' bit!
Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	29-Jan-06/2:06 PM
Better than Paul McCartney's version. Once during one of those erie calms before the storm I stood on my porch watching a large flock of them spiraling a tunel in the grey-blue sky. Like shadows, like dark angels forming a vortex as if it were a passage to some demonic yet magnificent otherworld.
Re: a comment on Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	29-Jan-06/1:45 PM
Is it punctuation or grammatical wording? I suck at punctuation. I don't mind pushing the boundries of grammatical wording though, at least in poetry. I just put this together today so it's probably a little raw. Zodiac's "After Fighting" inspired it as far as metaphor goes. I wanted to use an old cliche and make it sound raw and new again. I've had alot of revelations about my dad and my goals in the last few years and this was part of it. Thanks Ranger.
Re: Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Jan-06/1:40 PM
This one's tricky to comment on; a lot of people have looked at it according to the hits counter, but I can only assume that they, like I, don't really know what to make of it. It feels like it's a good poem, but it's more than my tiny brain can get round at the moment. If you gave me an explanation, maybe that would help.
Re: a comment on After Rain by Niphredil	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Jan-06/1:37 PM
Yes, I like that more. As for the punchline, well fair enough!
Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Jan-06/1:32 PM
This works quite well although I'd suggest that if you're going to go for a rhyming scheme, give the poem a definite rhythm - it makes it easier to read aloud. Also, capitalise the start of every line; the beauty of acrostics is being able to instantly see what the vertical column says. Other than that, nicely done - 'truant solar rise' is a lovely line!
Re: a comment on Racial Hate by Glasseyez	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	29-Jan-06/1:28 PM
Amanda. You, me, Dovina and everyone else on this planet are racists. We're born that way. That's the way we were, are and will be for a long long time. What's that, you don't believe me? "Don't ask me about what they do. If I were to follow them I would definitely end up inside the institute and not ouside where I am right now. You name it, they have a ritual and god for almost anything under the sun...even the sun! Nuclear war? They'd probably worship even that if you let them face one." Well now you know and knowing is half the battle. Yoooooo Joe!
Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Jan-06/1:28 PM
Ah yes, now I like this. If I'm going to nitpick, there are grammatical mistakes, other than that it's great! 'Prophet shoes', love it!
Re: Untouchable by rahson_s	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	29-Jan-06/1:07 PM
"Loves to be fucked by angry young men and wants to be loved by daddy’s best friend."-by me. She'll grow out of you and leave you, I promise. It's just the way it is.