| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
6-Feb-06/9:34 AM |
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Better, although I feel it's still lacking something. Haikus are really tough to get right; I've never yet written one that I've been happy with. Hopefully the more experienced poets here will be of more use than me, because the idea behind this is really quite good.
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| Re: Idle Time by Angelicasassy |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
6-Feb-06/9:28 AM |
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Okay, nicely descriptive although a little simple (sorry, that sounds harsh - it's not meant to). I'd love to see you use more in the way of metaphor; see what other people write and experiment as you go. Keep at it though, this is a better start than most (including mine...)
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
Adriaan 198.54.202.18 |
6-Feb-06/9:26 AM |
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Does similie count for anything? I've changed the opening line to a metaphor - please comment.
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
Adriaan 198.54.202.18 |
6-Feb-06/9:18 AM |
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Thanks. Please see the revised version and comment.
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| Re: a comment on Anonymous Love by Angelicasassy |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
6-Feb-06/9:18 AM |
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zodiac, that was very diplomatic of you, I'm highly impressed! Angelica, you obviously have some poetic ability; take note of what zodiac's said here, be original and creative. If I've seen it before, I'll get bored of it quickly whereas if it makes me stop and think then I'm more likely to take it in.
On a more specific note, the rhythm here is a little awkward in places, 'distant' (line 18) could be replaced, etc. etc. etc.
As z says, welcome to the ranker!
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| Re: Three words and thirty coins by Caducus |
Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239 |
6-Feb-06/9:09 AM |
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| Re: Secrets by joydoll |
Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239 |
6-Feb-06/9:07 AM |
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I have been there in thought and deed. I prefer the end of this poem to the beginning.
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| Re: the shadowless night by crwncka1 |
Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239 |
6-Feb-06/9:04 AM |
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this started great and faded really fast.
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| Re: as you are by Adriaan |
Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239 |
6-Feb-06/8:56 AM |
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| Re: time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
6-Feb-06/8:27 AM |
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It's a nice three-liner, but it isn't a metaphor. Change the first three words; the idea of a haiku is that it is metaphorical.
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| Re: as you are by Adriaan |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
6-Feb-06/8:21 AM |
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| Re: can you sing me a song by richa |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
6-Feb-06/8:18 AM |
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If I could sing sweetest of all I'd give you the Corpus Christi better than even the mighty Buckley managed. Sadly, nineteen-year-old chaps are not noted for having heavenly voices. I bet that zzinnia can sing, ask her.
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| Re: time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
richa 81.178.221.104 |
6-Feb-06/8:05 AM |
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By the way you should learn what a haiku is, that and a metaphor.
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
richa 81.178.221.104 |
6-Feb-06/8:04 AM |
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I disagree. Every goldfish I know that can contemplate also understands the hydrological cycle.
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| Re: a comment on Tonight (edit) by drnick |
richa 81.178.221.104 |
6-Feb-06/7:55 AM |
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| Re: Anonymous Love by Angelicasassy |
zodiac 209.193.9.218 |
6-Feb-06/7:54 AM |
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I'm sure that was rewarding for you, but it reads for us kind of like a pop song. My suggestions are (1) don't ever include anything in a poem that you've already heard or read before ever, and that includes your first line. Aren't there more original things to tell your guy to do? Yes, there are.
(2) An easy way to frame a poem that's coming out cliche so it doesn't seem cliche is to change its perspective. Rather than writing it as an address to a guy, make it about two other people - say, Angela and Steve. Make them a lot like you. Think of what their predicament means in the larger picture. One of the advantages of this method is that it makes it less embarrassing to read in public.
You're going to be tempted to say here, But I'm just writing for myself and how I feel. Don't. We're nice people here and want to read your poem. Consider how we feel reading this. Do we relate? Do we feel kind of like we would seeing two people be mushy in public? What would interest and provoke us? As a guy, I can tell you, that's what would interest and provoke your guy, too.
(3) Add details. Lots. People think the more universal a poem is, the more impact it has. Usually the opposite is true. My idea of a really great poem - say, "Dover Beach" - is about something I've never done; that is, sat in a house on Dover Beach at night. Here ( http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=123570 ) is another really good poem that I relate to, but which has little to do with my own experience. That's the idea.
(4) Lastly, don't ever include ellipses ("...") in your poem. That's easy to fix. Almost any punctuation works in the same way. Also, putting stanza breaks for pauses works.
Anyway, sorry about blabbering all over your poem. Welcome to poemranker. Hope this helped.
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| Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick |
richa 81.178.221.104 |
6-Feb-06/7:53 AM |
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Are you the doctor nick that deals with boys problems by prescribing them your book 'how to live with a willy'.
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| Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick |
richa 81.178.221.104 |
6-Feb-06/7:52 AM |
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If the desert swallows rain, where is its throat and more importantly itsstomach and bum.
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| Re: Idle Time by Angelicasassy |
zodiac 209.193.9.218 |
6-Feb-06/7:33 AM |
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A lot of extra words here. I'd start by dropping almost all the adjectives. Or changing them so they surprise us. Otherwise, good enough.
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| Re: Morning Glory by waltfreakinwhitman |
Adriaan 198.54.202.18 |
6-Feb-06/7:32 AM |
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OK, I admit it. You got me. I laughed out loud.
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