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Anonymous Love (Free verse) by Angelicasassy Look into my eyes,
tell me...
do you see the hope, the joy,
when you smile at me?
Can you tell that
my heart is racing,
when you touch my hand,
oh so softly, so brief
but enough to please.
A bird sings a song right outside my window,
so pretty, so clear,
but I, with all my infinite power,
hear naught.
My mind is full of you, you, you, you, you,
I dream, eat, think of you,
but you are so far away
and each day,
it seems as if you are more and more distant.
Time stands still for just a second,
it joins me in my wish,
flowers bloom, bees buzz and life goes on,
but I am still stuck here,
Thinking, praying, dreaming.
Do you even know I exist?
Up the ladder:
thoughts on a long lazy day
Down the ladder:
Hobo. [Redux Revision v.2]
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: February 5, 2006 6:40 PM PST; Last modified: February 5, 2006 6:40 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7896 Comments:
Story of my fucking life.
177 view(s)
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(2) An easy way to frame a poem that's coming out cliche so it doesn't seem cliche is to change its perspective. Rather than writing it as an address to a guy, make it about two other people - say, Angela and Steve. Make them a lot like you. Think of what their predicament means in the larger picture. One of the advantages of this method is that it makes it less embarrassing to read in public.
You're going to be tempted to say here, But I'm just writing for myself and how I feel. Don't. We're nice people here and want to read your poem. Consider how we feel reading this. Do we relate? Do we feel kind of like we would seeing two people be mushy in public? What would interest and provoke us? As a guy, I can tell you, that's what would interest and provoke your guy, too.
(3) Add details. Lots. People think the more universal a poem is, the more impact it has. Usually the opposite is true. My idea of a really great poem - say, "Dover Beach" - is about something I've never done; that is, sat in a house on Dover Beach at night. Here ( http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
(4) Lastly, don't ever include ellipses ("...") in your poem. That's easy to fix. Almost any punctuation works in the same way. Also, putting stanza breaks for pauses works.
Anyway, sorry about blabbering all over your poem. Welcome to poemranker. Hope this helped.
On a more specific note, the rhythm here is a little awkward in places, 'distant' (line 18) could be replaced, etc. etc. etc.
As z says, welcome to the ranker!