Re: One Too Many by ElmoBeavisButthead	wilco 24.92.74.122	21-Mar-06/7:35 PM
I don't really think I can give you any better advice than Ranger already has. Follow his lead.
Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch	god'swife 71.103.98.44	21-Mar-06/7:22 PM
So you don't believe in the unconscious mind? Or Freud's idea that human beings place all their repressed fantasies, unexceptable desires and traumas there? What about Dr. Carl Jung's idea that the unconscious isn't merely a receptacle for unresolved phsychological messes but that the unconscious is what rules our lives. A refuge of the Divine. A cosmos with an order and creativity of its own? Dreams are not at all pointless. They tell you everything you wish wasn't true about yourself. And they give insight about the true nature of existence. What's the most recent strange dream you can remember?
Re: Life Is Like A Rose by x0lovelylarnx0	Dovina 70.38.78.229	21-Mar-06/6:53 PM
These are good thoughts, but not very well formed in the language of poetry. Try starting with Line 5, then 6. Line 7 seem parenthetic, and could be scatched in this poem, used in another. Next, Line 3, 4, 2. Just some ideas.
Re: Holding on for Jesus by Everyone	x0lovelylarnx0 205.188.117.10	21-Mar-06/5:51 PM
That could be a really good song!!! I love it!! 10 for sure
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	richa 81.178.217.160	21-Mar-06/1:06 PM
I know this is true because it happens on ER and Scrubs all the time.
Re: a comment on REM Sleep by mystic enoch	richa 81.178.217.160	21-Mar-06/1:05 PM
The bits of information you pick up during the day. The bits that the brain does not devote much processing space to because they are so pointless. That's dreams. What the hell is this unconscious mind you have that talks. Are you possessed.
Re: a comment on The Coventry Blitz by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Mar-06/10:15 AM
Ah. That makes sense. Having not been to Coventry, I would never have got that - but on explanation it's pretty clear to see in the poem.
Re: a comment on The Coventry Blitz by Caducus	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/9:49 AM
the grey umbilical is the ring road strangling the city, the post war noose we built, the mother dwarf is modern coventry born from old coventry - the ring road stops coventry growing and the children of the rising sun symbolizes the imports of cheap cars from japan (as in the sun on the flag) and the death of our motor industry famed for jags etc) this is how new born from old can be a tradgedy for a city but it ends as cov being the city of reconciliation and peace nad forgiveness.
Re: a comment on Muff by Stephen Robins	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	21-Mar-06/8:25 AM
Quite frankly, no: http://www.made-in-korea.co.uk/ben_fogle.jpg I have had the honour to be Ben Fogle's proximity on two occasions. The first was at a game of polo where he wore a splendid tweed ensemble finished off with a rakish pair of Wellington Boots. The gash was quite literrely swooning all over him as he lisped about the latest series of animal park. The second occasion was on a beach in Devon where he defied common decency and bestrode the golden sands in nought but a pair of speedos. To say the g'wat were having wide ons all over the beach is to ignore the frantic rustling as they rubbed their pubic mounds. He is an example to us all.
Re: a comment on Muff by Stephen Robins	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Mar-06/8:07 AM
http://lavender.fortunecity.com/fullmonty/482/images/ben_camilla.jpg Can there be a more English Englishman?
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	21-Mar-06/7:55 AM
I suggest you use a splint in the middle of the poem to try and hold this limp flaccid work together.
Re: a comment on Muff by Stephen Robins	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	21-Mar-06/7:53 AM
Ben Fogle is indeed deserving of a lexcion of praise. I can not think of a pleasant adjective that would look out of place in front of his name: Valiant Ben Fogle Blissful Ben Fogle Brave Ben Fogle Gleaming Ben Fogle Dewy eyed Ben Fogle Whereas the inverse is true of John Craven: Nasty John Craven Withered John Craven Predatory John Craven Drug-crazed John Craven And as for that whoare Kate Humble: No-gag-reflex Kate Humble Gobby Kate Humble Leaking Kate Humble
Re: a comment on Muff by Stephen Robins	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Mar-06/7:16 AM
I must protest. 'Ben Fogle' was a respectably splendid endorsement of a national hero.
Re: One Too Many by ElmoBeavisButthead	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Mar-06/7:01 AM
Not bad, the recurring 'one too many' is good and the language as a whole is quite inventive. What I think you could improve on is the way you deal with the subject matter (which is probably the most widely-written about subject in poetry, particularly here). You write very directly - and I personally think this would make more of an impression and stand out more from the rest if you could build this into a metaphor. Perhaps take 'forged' as the starting point and build a poem with blacksmithing imagery, perhaps talking from the point of view of the blacksmith forging an item, or maybe from the viewpoint of the item itself, or from anything else that might be there. My advice would be to read an assortment of love/breakup poems on here, note the recurring themes/phrases, and avoid them like the plague. Then have a read of some of the top-ranked poems and look at the language used, the metaphors used etc. My personal favourite on this site is Christof's 'Instructions to a Sculptor' - a pretty much perfect example of metaphorical, rhymed, structured poetry. Caducus' works are also excellent for picking up fresh, innovative ideas. And believe it or not, the best poet on this site to learn rhythm and wordflow from is -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. (plus he never fails to be hilarious). Just don't get offended at anything he says. Having said that, this shows plenty of promise - the last line is good, and you certainly have potential as a writer - keep reading the stuff on here and learn from it!
Re: The Coventry Blitz by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Mar-06/6:48 AM
I thought I'd commented on this the other day...I must be losing it. The first stanza rocks; I see the factories/industrial side overtaking the more traditional aspect of the city, and also the smoke rising in spires - umbilical cords of smoke (and fire - rising sun). 'Decrepit' is perfect for the ruins, again it makes me think of (three) columns of smoke. Not sure about stanza 3 - the passage about Godiva (your local legend) is really good, but it doesn't quite fit the gloom of war, at least not in my reading. It's a brilliant passage though. Stanza 4 is great. Other than 'Their' (should be 'There'), no complaints.
Re: Dashboard Jesus by wilco	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/5:00 AM
bloody good poem - i love it. the title is wicked too. favourited !
Re: Mid-July by Ranger	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/4:59 AM
like citadels of steel and gore and much of the imagery you use in here is well thought out and written. The longer lines disrupt the flow compared to the concise images preceding and folowing them so work on that and you have yourself a belter here. One of the best from you me thinks :-)
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	Caducus 86.144.226.63	21-Mar-06/4:56 AM
good to see a poem with an off kilter rhyme. I do it sometimes and it gets some peoples backs up but i like the modern age hippocrates goes philosophical thing.
Re: The Peccadillary by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	21-Mar-06/4:32 AM
Very droll squire, very droll indeed.
Re: a comment on No other limericks? by gothwalk	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	21-Mar-06/4:31 AM
Awesome voting!