Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Apr-06/8:46 AM
I think she means Fort Bragg in Mendocino, CA, so I don't think so. I could be wrong though. FWIW, you (well, the Hessian troops under British command) burned my hometown to the ground in 1779, leaving only a handful of buildings standing (all royalist sympathizers). There's a cannon ball still embedded in a rock down the street from me (little known local secret). After landing on our beach, the Redcoats marched through town and inland, burning everything in their path. The British general, Tryon, according to local legend, watched my town burn from a rocking chair placed on the East Rocks bluffs. Always loved that story. Funny how we still have a Fort Tryon across the state line in New York--you'd think we would have renamed it. Another local legend claims (with decent substantiation) that the song, Yankee Doodle ("stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni"), was prompted by the ragtag uniforms of a regiment from my hometown. LOL--there's an aside for you! You got me going--I find local history fascinating. :)
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:43 AM
Plus points are for the seemingly lack of self pity and though fairly generic in word choice you have knack for narrative and characteriztions i could care about. Rangers right about the end as the ancient style of words such as o'er is like mixing chocolate with cabbage. Title could be more fitting and just called 16 months. I also think the four continents / one nest scenario could be milked more for poignancy. You give me a lot of ideas from what i have read, the potential i can see but i find you could be gettin more from your writing if you second read or draft your work further.
Re: test by Adriaan	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:42 AM
Marvellous! Brought a smile to me!
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:39 AM
Great stuff, but I'd prefer this in more complete phrases - i.e. without the breaking up of sentences. 'The great light bandit' is a super line.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:35 AM
Great first line, like the play on 'damned'. The whole thing gives me a good impression of the muddy flats. You could possibly play on the aged femininity a little more, wrinkles in the mud and hair etc. Great description though.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:35 AM
Very cool and very assured.
Re: The Day After Next by cyan9	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Problem ! this is well enough written and i can see the earnest in your writing but it just reads like an essay set and is like a dinner well cooked that everyones eaten an hour ago.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:29 AM
Did us Brits have our asses kicked at fort bragg? Bloody Tea was the end of us lol.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:28 AM
echo - ecargo. I'll add that I think its a stanza too long and it could be ended perfectly in 5. Your knocking out some good stuff and retaining the focusa as you write which m,akes reading you a good thing.
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:25 AM
Dressed well mr R. Like the unravelling words complementing the unravelling tempest, i think you struggled in last 2 lines, i dont even think it needs it, maybe end it with calm or whats left after.
Re: The Dark Ark by MacFrantic	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:25 AM
Is this about the Titanic? Good lines, I either love or hate the bracketed clauses, I'm not sure which yet though. 'Shapeshifting moon' = tres cool, as is 'water in a fury shelled'. It could do with just a little more description, other than that, great!
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:16 AM
'Lichen tawny' is possibly the finest descriptive pairing I've ever seen.
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	cyan9 217.40.63.105	6-Apr-06/7:46 AM
Cheers for the compliment, what I was trying to get at with the camera film is effect when you see clips of old films that have been exposed to the heat and have melted, and am at a loss as to how to describe that effect, I geuss 'like snapshots from a melted projector film'?????
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Apr-06/7:07 AM
This has some really cool imagery and language. First line--"sky" should take singular verb "casts," not "cast." Might want to drop the articles ("the") in the second line. "Wearisome, I vent . . . " something's off here. (For one thing, you're basically calling yourself tiresome. Do you mean "weary"?) Second stanza--some cool imagery. I like "I want white linen (maybe make it singular?) line, but sugg. dropping "up"--white linen to cocoon me. "With morning comes a . . . turning of light"--nice. Think it'd stand alone, stronger, without "shine." The spiralling child seems disconnected right now. Maybe, also, just "smog" without "the sky's" (where else would smog be?) S/b "last night's" (apos.). I almost think the ending would be stronger without the last line. Really like this, overall.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Apr-06/6:57 AM
I think this is quite good--it has music and good imagery, and you use a lighter, or maybe more oblique, hand than you often do. Stanza 1--I think you mean angry water verSUS, but I actually like "angry water verses, solid rock"--one of those happy accidents, maybe? I like how you identify, take sides. St. 2--"Attack was always squelched . . . by strength of how it was"--I'm not sure what you mean by that; maybe make it clearer somehow? Now memory moved . . ." -- nice. Maybe hint earlier that the rock was winning? Is that what you were getting at with "strength of how it was"? "Going at it still" seems a little slangy and imprecise. "Gentle rolls came in from far"--"in from far" seems a little awkward. "as recollection told"--not sure about "told" and if the rolls are meeting the shore, you need a comma after "told." Also, "kept on"--in both places--doesn't really need "on"--it's just a filler word. "Greed" seems to come out of no where. I like the ending a lot, though I think "little bits" could be replaced with something stronger. Anyway, nits and some fuzzy language aside, cool poeme.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/4:49 AM
Spon is an old word i think from saxon times which means to meet, or to spon.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 70.38.78.229	5-Apr-06/11:41 AM
The first verse sets up a rhyme scheme, which I expected to see in the other verses, and missed in Verse 2. The last line changes from third to first person, repeating the previous line, making the poem personal, and losing the structure. I think it's best to stick with a structure, once started. A poem with nostalgic recall of earlier times can be very effective, but it's also a very common thing to do. I think it needs metaphor or unusual wording or specific events to set it off as being different.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	5-Apr-06/11:28 AM
It doesn’t have the voice of Psalm 23, where David, a shepherd, speaks as a sheep. It’s told by an amateur who looks on. I might remove the Psalm reference from the title. Maybe the woman rubs it in too much; maybe you’re right.
Re: a comment on Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy	drnick 141.218.35.109	5-Apr-06/10:43 AM
Ya, but this isn't "for" me in the sense that it was written for me, it's "for" me in the sense that I should read it and learn a thing or two.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	drnick 141.218.35.109	5-Apr-06/10:33 AM
I like it, but...psalm? This makes me think of how I was growing up as a teenager, and the sequential maturing into my current relationship with them. The only thing is my mom never rubbed it in like this woman did.