Re: Buried by Enkidu	Lifeboatman 170.65.128.6	6-Apr-06/2:16 PM
nice...
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Lifeboatman 170.65.128.6	6-Apr-06/2:11 PM
This is actually good.. 10!!
Re: Buried by Enkidu	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/1:57 PM
It lacks an authentic or vivid setting and tries to compensate for that shortcoming by using empty words. Consider a quick poem: The day I lay me down to sleep Never again to wake I hope to see no loved ones weep With heavy hearts that break For I will be in heaven’s land And sit with God above A servant at His hand Receiving all His love There’s nothing wrong with my idea. I want to comfort loved ones so they do not grieve, but rather celebrate. But my poem lacks vision – what heaven might look like, for example, or how a soul feels there. There is no real setting given other than symbolic words.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	6-Apr-06/1:48 PM
Rich and vivid, spins a web around the reader ~ you cannot break the silken strands to stop midstream.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.14.23	6-Apr-06/1:29 PM
You might want to specify Ft Bragg, CA. The Ft Bragg most people know is the gigantic one in North Carolina, home of, among other things, the Delta Force and the most pawn shops per capita anywhere.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	drnick 24.176.22.254	6-Apr-06/12:55 PM
Yes!!! This is the good stuff, my friend. I embelishes how I feel so much that I want to read it to certain people and then tell them to "fuck off." There are so many good lines, I'll name some favorites: 3rd line, 2nd stanza...1st line, 3rd stanza...lines 7-8, 4th stanza...and of course the end line is golden. I wouldn't change a thing, I'm giving you a 9.5.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/12:08 PM
Some people argue that if you crossbreed nature poetry with political poetry, you spawn and breed a mutant - environmental poetry. But most of this rings true, and avoids the preachiness of most environmental attempts.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:54 AM
You have embellished the modern poem "Blueprint" with a tale of yore, which its author may find appalling. But you keep just enough “photographs” and modern language to cause wonder as to whether you jest, mimic or jab. Good poem.
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:40 AM
Some great phrases and vivid images. But I'd rather see it tied together with transition and clearer flow of the story. It's not a story, but you show sequence, loosely connected.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:26 AM
Thanks, I’m still thinking I don’t need or want the Psalm 23 reference in the title.
Re: Simon's Legacy (draft) by Caducus	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-Apr-06/11:17 AM
I don't rate like that, well, ever since I became a member of this site. Penetrable (I can relate to family suicide as well). Your poem as a whole was brilliantly thought up & scorched onto paper (or post). No more I can say about this except it deserves much better ratings than it has recieved...I can see the incredible talent in this peice. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:09 AM
Thanks for the suggestion on “squelched.” I’ve changed it to “quenched in the edit, along with some other changes. “broken bottles,” however, are mixed in with ground-up rock that litters the seas floor.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:09 AM
You are right about the location of Fort Bragg.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:08 AM
Thanks C. I’ve changed it some and have kept Stanza 6, but with changes.
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-Apr-06/11:08 AM
Your imagery is nice, very thoughtful, but you hardly out-Plathed Plath, coming from a Plath researcher & fan (this is not an insult by any means, & I hope you don't interpret it as one). I understand perfectly the concept of a hidden sky-don't see what all the uproar is on that part?? Our styles are a bit similar, so maybe I can just picture the scene clearly with your choice of imagery. The only part I didn't care for was, "For thick on thick air"-I just don't think it adds any elements poetically of thematically. Great theme by the way. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:07 AM
Thanks for the good critique. “Versus” is right in Stanza 1 of angry verses – blush. In Stanza 2, “how it was” refers to the old solid cliff, standing obstinately against young belligerent motion of the sea. But I see your point, and have changed it in the edit. I think the new wording also shows that the rock was winning. In Stanza 4, I’ve changed, “Now memory moved, met solid desire / the ocean going at it still.” to “Now memory moved, met solid desire / armies under different flags.” I think that improves the precision of the changing image as the narrator ages. In Stanza 6, “greed” refers back to “solid desire,” which is a mild form of greed perhaps. The idea is that memory was winning over the strong desires of younger times. I have changed “greed” to “need,” to make it less jarring. Also, I’ve changed “little bits” to painful bits” – stronger, I think.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/9:31 AM
Ah, some changes to this! It works fantastically well now, one of your best, I think.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/9:19 AM
'boken bottles'? I really do need that dyslexia test...
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/9:19 AM
I don't like 'squelched', it doesn't feel poetic enough for this piece. Perhaps 'quenched' would do the trick better? Love the idea behind this and I love the format, I was expecting rhymes at first but it didn't feel any the worse for being unrhymed. Now, this might be evidence that I need to take a dyslexia test, but 'many battles passed/some broken rocks' had this wonderful effect of making me also read 'boken bottles', a perfect illustration (to me, at least) of the rocks. Was that intentional? Great last stanza.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/9:12 AM
As with your last one, this leaves me longing for a little more description. The ideas are there but this is like a sketch when you want to see a watercolour. I agree with Dovina about not changing the last line to first person; I'd also suggest losing the exclamation mark...they don't work as well in poetry as they do in prose. You might want to give us an excerpt from 'Send me the pillow' as well, and use it as the basis for another stanza, maybe? Very pleasant to read as it is, though.