Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.6	7-Apr-06/11:18 AM
panaderia is better. but while you're getting nutty about laid, why not leid.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	7-Apr-06/10:27 AM
spitfire Mexican hellcat polka- Right on. Lays/Lies, let it slide. beaterrific
Re: Emo Kid by Fayt	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/10:07 AM
Hmmm... not bad. has a bit of a humor tone to it. As for a limmerick format, sorry I can't comment on that. I'm a stranger to limmerick forms and rules. Keep writing.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/10:01 AM
M6 bowel? Enlighten me. And spon with spon ? Not comfortable with that. The rest is lovely... and a good, lively description.
Re: a comment on Good old days by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/9:52 AM
Hmmm... Thank you. The last stanza, you say as in 'If only I could relive it all!' ? Looks like it's fired. Gotta go. Am off for ten days, going down town... home. Will be back after Easter. Till then, see you guys and have a Happy Easter.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	7-Apr-06/9:26 AM
Holy shit, Ranger. Most excellent. Hate to nitpick this one at all, because I think it's really good--some really terrific lines and good rhymes and half rhymes throughout--a truly nice tribute. I really enjoyed it.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	7-Apr-06/6:59 AM
The second stanza is jolting because, as Dovina said, it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Lose the last stanza, it's not needed. Being vague sometimes can make your poem more applicable to other peoples situations and thus more easy for them to identify with it. The thought of the last line in the poem is already in the readers head before they actually see it. So if you take away the last line the sentiment will still be there without you having to actually say it. One of the best things about poetry is when somrthing is said without actually being said.
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	cyan9 217.40.63.105	7-Apr-06/1:22 AM
Help me out here, A dinner well cooked that everyones eaten an hour ago??? Is it too cliched? or does it spend too long explaining itself? This is due to be the intro piece to a book that I am putting together, so if it aint good, somethings gotta be done.
Re: a comment on Good old days by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/1:02 AM
Well then, the last line goes (in the edit). Am convinced enough. And the song... this is my all time favouorite. Very nostalgic memories attached to it.
Re: To Orange by Lifeboatman	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/12:28 AM
nice
Re: Buried by Enkidu	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:21 AM
So close to conjuring up great imagery - I can actually picture the setting, but it's almost entirely down to my imagination and associations of woods and nymphs. This is the sort of piece which requires a bit more on the author's behalf; give us some more scenery. What's there is good, but I'm greedy. I want more.
Re: Feelings for a Lost Love by denisebar2006	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:18 AM
I hesitate to attempt a critique of this in case the story is genuinely true. I don't want to hurt feelings or seem offensive here. The emotions are conveyed in this and the tale itself is tragic, but as far as the poetic side goes, it needs work. There are a couple of typos to iron out, and some of the rhymes are a bit overused and unoriginal (and stanza 1 in particular feels very forced). I'd like to see more description - tell me who he was, make me visualise him, visualise you as well. The end of stanza 2 and start of stanza 3 are good, this has plenty of promise but needs refining. I do hope this isn't a true story though.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:11 AM
'lays' (line 18) should be 'lies', I think. I'm very tired right now so I might be wrong. I like this although 3am seemed wrong - either you've stepped back in time or you guys start seriously early. 7am would have worked better, to me at least. Cool last line.
Re: parlor games by digipoet	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:07 AM
Hmm, failed chat-up line followed up by an icy stare, this is brief and effective. Did you ever read drnick's 'Buried in the Booth'? Pretty much the polar opposite of this. I'd be tempted to put another line after 'her gaze asphyxiates', probably one to keep the rhyme more solid there. Maybe just 'unfazed', or something like that. Otherwise, very cool.
Re: a comment on Good old days by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:03 AM
Well the thing with it is that we can tell it's you talking, on account of the pretty intimite detail you give. What you would achieve by keeping it entirely in the third person is a sense by which the reader can relate to it as well, and can apply their own experiences of childhood. Am liking the look of the song; perfect glosa material, that!
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:00 AM
Cheers D. I'm hoping god'swife will read it and tell me what she thinks of it sometime. That poem of hers set my mind going like nothing I can remember for a long time.
Re: a comment on Good old days by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	6-Apr-06/11:20 PM
Dovina and Ranger, The main body of the poem is to describe the feelings of a little girl who once was me. That girl had a wonderful childhood that she wants it all back.... The feeling is so intense that that girl, now, the present me just wants it all back... and hence it's in exclamation, and changed to the first person. It's more like a sigh. Maybe, I could delete the last line or change it back to the third person. Thanks for the critiques and votes. 4/4....Send me the pillow that you dream on Don't you know that I still care for you Send me the pillow that you dream on So darling I can dream on it too.
Re: a comment on These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	6-Apr-06/10:55 PM
Very constructive critisism. Thanks. I agree I should do a lot more proof reading and editing on this. And the " o'er ", maybe I could reword it over. As for the four continent verse.... it was part of the trying time I had to deal with... part of which was also due to the events mentioned in the verse before this. On the whole, the whole description of this poem is about my distress and anxiety, one which I am able to handle through faith.
Re: Blackout, Amman, November, 2005 by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	6-Apr-06/5:55 PM
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. -from Richard Hall's Sniglets: Words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Lifeboatman 170.65.128.6	6-Apr-06/5:38 PM
this one very well written... nice feeling after reading it too..10