Re: Matthew's Bastard by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/2:13 PM
Well controlled anger, and an all-round good read.
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/2:11 PM
Any time, your poems are usually a joy to read! How about 'break' or 'breach'?
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/2:06 PM
Actually, 'Till' precedes 'Until' historically and so is grammatically correct. You can use 'Til', but I personally wouldn't bother changing it.
Re: Through Poetry by newdawnfades	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/1:30 PM
Stanza two is good, however I didn't really find the piece as a whole stayed true to the title. Well no, I did...just not what I wanted from the title. That doesn't make sense. What I mean to say is that whereas this is a nicely-written piece, I disagree with the message. Poetry needs certain chains to turn it from train-of-thought gibberish into genuine beauty. As does all art. However, I do like it as a gentle read.
Re: a comment on 99% of the Time by TLRufener	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/1:11 PM
I'd suggest that if it's important to the text, you should incorporate it into the poem; otherwise leave it out. Generally speaking the only important extra text that needs to be included here are references to any other poem which you've borrowed from. I'm serious about not writing this in first person though. Make me feel like I'm the one not taking my own advice, make me feel like all this is what I believe. Make me believe it.
Re: a comment on Deja Vu by sliver	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/12:29 PM
More interesting now but I have to suggest (and you can kill me for this if you like) that you need to bring the waves in somewhere earlier rather than just chucking them in out of the blue, so to speak. Perhaps bring the sea in where you talk about the horizon and you would achieve a little more continuity. Still decent enough though.
Re: Meditation on the Future by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/12:25 PM
Not deserving of a zero. This is actually a really good read, and has some choice passages - and you can dash, although I would remind you that 'a gentleman will walk but never run'. I don't want to try critiquing this at all as I like the whole thing, in particular the middle of stanza one and all of stanzas three and four. The only suggestion I'd make is that the autumn/winter of life aspect isn't as original as the rest.
Re: Cry by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/12:17 PM
Not bad at all, although there are a few things I would change. I dislike 'dollop' and 'splat' at the best of times; more so in poetry - I find them a little, well, unpoetic. They don't seem at all emotive to me, and there are more effective words for onomatopoeic purposes. The other criticism I have with this is the repetition of 'knot' and semi-repetition of 'bone/boney'. Again this is personal preference; I write with as few repetitions as possible because Ifind it more of a challenge that way, both to write and read. I also have a question (instead of diving straight in with criticism) about the penultimate line. 'Song waves' is confusing. It could be song waves (as in sound waves, in which case I'd hyphenate it to show it's a compound noun). Alternatively you're talking about the mourning waving upwards ('The mourning that bellows from my lips...waves upward'). If so, it needs some punctuation after 'song'. That's it for crits, now for what I liked. 'Knot under my chest bone...' and then 'mouth still open from the appearance' work well, as does 'shuttering shoulders' (and the rest of that passage). Overall, enjoyable.
Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/12:02 PM
Quite frankly this is astonishing. I haven't come across paradelles before, and although I now want to write one, to emulate this is a hugely intimidating task. This would be a solid ten but for two points: 1) the end of stanza three is slightly off and 2) 'light what grows' isn't right. If those could be fixed I would gladly give this a ten. Let this not detract, however, from a magnificent effort.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Apr-06/11:44 AM
Yes, I much prefer the ending to this edit. The last two lines are grand. One slight grammatical point - line 15 ('your sweet peace my endless joy') needs either some punctuation or to be '...is my endless joy'. It probably holds up grammatically as it is, but it just feels wrong. Either way of remedying this would work without disrupting the rhythm, and would make me a happy reader ;-) No other crits that I can see right now; good stuff!
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	28-Apr-06/10:30 AM
Good idea on S2, L5. Thanks
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	28-Apr-06/10:29 AM
Although not borrowed, I think “mighty” sounds too antiquated. It’s gone.
Re: a comment on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	28-Apr-06/8:26 AM
Thanks for the feedback, I was feeling fairly dispirited after God's wife had a bad case of PMT and started calling me a dill.
Re: a comment on light [edited] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	28-Apr-06/7:43 AM
well, it is complete in my mind because i was there. i remeber the morning still, and that was over 10, no 11, years ago. so maybe it is a little obscure. so, what?
Re: a comment on light [edited] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	28-Apr-06/7:41 AM
glad someone here does...
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Caducus 80.168.173.160	28-Apr-06/2:08 AM
4th stanza was nearly a coffee spitting experience from cracking up. For using fisticuffs i have to rob the queens sword and wipe it on your lapelle. Fuckin hoot, and the best man with a bouquet is something i want to forget but is like a friggin pussycat dolls chorus and haunts me to a rage. Great poem for that friday feeling. typo line 8 - not that you probably care.
Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	Caducus 80.168.173.160	28-Apr-06/2:03 AM
so perceptive and novel in description, adore line 3 for it made me visualize from there on. last line s2 how about - dying to foam gasps. Lots of potential it reads like a labour of love.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 80.168.173.160	28-Apr-06/2:00 AM
Sweet and good natured but no means your best. Ps the remark from gods wife has been made on almost a dozen poems so take no notice.
Re: a comment on Cry by Sunny	Sunny 66.69.36.222	28-Apr-06/1:10 AM
Wow...umm...anger management perhaps. I am not really going to reflect on your comments, I don't have enough care to; you have no clue about my past, neither do I to you... I never imagined "God's wife (note on the capitilization) would be such an unhappy person - dissappointing. Hmmm. I will make sure to check out your poetry, that is what I will learn what "real talent" consists of...right? Good luck to you.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	god'swife 71.103.98.44	28-Apr-06/1:00 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers. To mindlessly shit with the doves you mean.