Re: Diary by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	28-Jul-06/1:59 PM
Some problems in logic and flow, but I like it overall. Resist rhyming "aligned" and "intertwined"--we all want to do it, and too many succumb. "Soft cerebral shadows" reads nicely. I love the second verse--we get a nice bit of YOU (the you in the poem anyway). Next verse (time)--I like it in concept, but I'm not clear on how time keeps it all in place--seems to me that diaries do the opposite--keep time in place. Maybe I'm just misreading it. I like the interplay between jailor and "frees the space." "Events and deeds" verse doesn't scan right (grammatically/logically). Last verse--you've come to trust verisimilude, not fact? If yes, lose the comma after fact. What you're saying, in effect, though is that you've come to trust the appearance or suggestion of truth rather than fact? verisimilitude doesn't always equal truth though; we're very self-deluded critters sometimes. Like it overall--you seem to be simplifying, which usually makes things stronger, clearer, less pompous.
Re: Diary by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.36.99	28-Jul-06/1:06 PM
Thanks, Ranger and ALChemy, for your comments. I've awakened today in less of a stupor, and revised the thing. I hope it makes more sense.
Re: a comment on To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 202.164.138.237	28-Jul-06/7:51 AM
Thank you.
Re: 08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus	ALChemy 71.75.188.163	28-Jul-06/6:35 AM
How do you capture hell in a jar? I'm not sure anyone can but I salute you for trying.
Re: Wisdom by crazyknight	ALChemy 71.75.188.163	28-Jul-06/6:25 AM
O, those space fillers useless words for syllables. This Haiku does suck.
Re: Diary by Dovina	ALChemy 71.75.188.163	28-Jul-06/6:14 AM
The jail cell metaphor competes with the main metaphor of the poem. It tends to confuse people when you put an unconnected metaphor inside a bigger metaphor. Otherwise very interesting and thought provoking.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:54 AM
;-)
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:54 AM
Cheers, man. I'll try and write the story over the coming weeks.
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:52 AM
I haven't read anything for ages :-( No spare time; this took me about three weeks to write, which is quite surprising because I usually get bored of anything that isn't complete after an hour and a half. I might just try the GUD - thanks for the suggestion :-)
Re: a comment on Ode to the Irish Pub by mindsigns	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:47 AM
This is a folk song. Folk songs always romanticise whatever they're talking about. That's the whole fucking point of them - to create an image of something which people don't have access to. In this case it's about national identity to people who don't live in their homeland. Criticising a folk song for not being factually accurate is like saying that Kipling didn't know what it takes to be a man. You don't need to treat triumph and disaster the same, you're just as much a man if you have seven children, never do a day's work, and get your picture printed in the Sun.
Re: Diary by Dovina	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:35 AM
Neat idea, needs a bit of editing in my opinion. 'Their existence/Intertwined with mine' is a little...bland, by your standards. Same with 'Time's secrets' (a bit cliched too). They don't have much of an effect. The 'tiny hard drive space' is good for the idea of each of us being small, virtually inconsequential - as I assume that's what you mean. It needs to be a little clearer though. Stanzas 2 and 3 are super, although 'Events and deeds/some never said' seems to go against the title; diaries aren't usually fictional. Use of 'verisimilitude' is either genius or madness, I have yet to decide which... 'The rest, like life unlived' was good.
Re: Wisdom by crazyknight	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:25 AM
If you're going to write about wisdom in a Japanese format, it's virtually a legal requirement that you talk about an old man with long white hair sitting by the side of a road. Seriously though, this doesn't actually describe wisdom, nor does it give a solid metaphor for it.
Re: 08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:21 AM
To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane. First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition. Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.
Re: Slipping Outside (for a minute) by drnick	Ranger 86.140.67.216	28-Jul-06/12:11 AM
Actually I thought the snowflake passage was the best in the poem. This feels very much like song material; I'd change 'dope-soaked' though, it's too obvious. Make that bit more subtle and this is super.
Re: book drop here by A. Nomaly	Dovina 12.72.37.18	27-Jul-06/3:16 PM
Your last one, with its funky mis-grammar, made sense to me, but this one doesn't. It looks like as collection of scattered thoughts.
Re: Wisdom by crazyknight	Dovina 12.72.37.18	27-Jul-06/3:11 PM
Really?
Re: Bury my memory by creepshow	Dovina 12.72.37.18	27-Jul-06/3:10 PM
It Won’t Stay Buried Etched in my flesh, burned in my brain, tainted memory, the image of you. Haunting thoughts, one after another, you and you. When blurred vision comes clear, I shudder at the apparition, staring back, into me, into my soul. it won't let go. Never, Ever.
Re: To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	creepshow 207.109.28.184	27-Jul-06/12:11 PM
I thought the flow of the poem was great, natural and reflective.
Re: a comment on Ode to the Irish Pub by mindsigns	ALChemy 71.75.188.163	27-Jul-06/11:24 AM
I don't know about Ireland's Irish or Scotland's Scottish and I won't pretend to preach about things I have no direct experience with but one of the great things about America is that every nationality has the opportunity to live up to and exploit every one of their racial stereotypes to the fullest.
Re: 'Till Then by sliver	arduinn 203.124.2.38	27-Jul-06/8:13 AM
wow..