Re: sitting at the cliff's edge by nentwined	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.255.83	26-Aug-06/4:40 PM
lovely
Re: a comment on Ending Well by Dovina	drnick 68.73.52.48	26-Aug-06/9:19 AM
He'd have to exist to do that. I think organized religion has dumped enough excrements on society to make up for that, though.
Re: Ending Well by Dovina	drnick 68.73.52.48	26-Aug-06/9:17 AM
To be honest I didn't notice the rhyming , so I think that's fine. This is alright, but I think you can do better. It's rather bland if that makes any sense.
Re: Quatrain by ALChemy	drnick 68.73.52.48	26-Aug-06/9:13 AM
Do not change the title to Beauty and the Beast. A title is not something to fret over (in my mind). Anywho, I really like this - a unique thought in a world of mindless echos. Monsters rule.
Re: a comment on With Old Light by Ranger	drnick 68.73.52.48	26-Aug-06/9:09 AM
fav'ed
Re: With Old Light by Ranger	drnick 68.73.52.48	26-Aug-06/9:08 AM
Wow, that was beautiful. There are so many good lines, and very good rhythem! I related to the third stanza the most, very nice. I wish I could offer some advice, but I suppose it would just be to write more!
Re: Rushed into the blur by Miggy	drnick 68.73.52.48	26-Aug-06/8:58 AM
I'll give it to you that this is a step in the right direction as it is not a traditional subject matter. However, your lyrics are still boring and say nothing profound.
Re: a comment on On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/4:35 AM
Can't truthfully claim to have ever been to St. Andrews - but having read this I don't think I need to ;-) I wonder if I'll feel this way about Cardiff when I leave the place. Much as I love it, I think that may be a long shot...
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/4:31 AM
Really, I'm still not sure whether you actually believe what you say, or whether this is just a spot of light trolling to while away the hours. I am undoubtedly a sick boy in need of professional help. I am undoubtedly the single worst poet this planet has ever churned out of its innards. I undoubtedly had far less of a vocabulary last Tuesday than you had thirteen seconds after you were born. God was certainly asleep when I was conceived - there can be no other explanation for my existence on this good and green earth. But think; if I am an arrogant bastard, do you really expect me to take you seriously when all you're doing is hurling angry abuse at me? Moreover, angry abuse after having not read a single thing I've said. Maybe next time I will actually learn something? How many more times do I have to say it? - I was trying to learn something from her. I put a critique up, if it had been fundamentally flawed then any poet worth their salt would have corrected me. The fact that everyone else who read it agreed with me ought to imply that I was at least making a valid point. If you don't find my poem clever, that's fine with me. I'm open to criticism and suggestion. You have yet to give me anything that I can learn from though. What, precisely, would you change about this? My original comment was that you had posted a comment (my own comment) which was invalid because everything contained within had been adhered to in the poem. I still stand by that. If you want to point out examples of where I am wrong, in a sustained critique I will listen gladly. As for being insulting, well I disagree entirely. I would not have been upset at receiving the comment I posted if it was relevant (which it was when I posted it). What is insulting, however, as a lover of the poetry of Kipling, Coleridge, Dark Angel and zodiac, is for someone to arrive on this site preaching about being a professional, published poet, and then rhyming 'mattered' with 'splattered'. Merely bothering to take the time that I did to comment at all was a compliment to the poet. This is not about a good guy/bad guy situation. As far as I am concerned, I posted a critique and have given it justification. As far as you are concerned, I am a retarded, talentless, vain, thoughtless, ugly, insecure cunt to whom you don't need to give any specific justification for your outbursts. Now, are you going to calm down and talk or not?
Re: a comment on On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones	Nicholas Jones 86.135.248.176	26-Aug-06/4:20 AM
Thank you to both of you for your kind comments. If you're interested, the town in question is St. Andrews in Scotland, where I was a student for four years. I went there a few months ago for a job interview, I hadn't been back since I graduated five years ago. And the thing that struck me really was the way the light is affected by the sea and the old stone buildings. I wrote the first draft of this in the little B&B where I was staying. I didn't get the bloody job though.
Re: save a class now by FreeFormFixation	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:59 AM
Glorious, had me chuckling all the way through :-)
Re: An alternative to the death penalty by MacFrantic	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:55 AM
Brilliant idea, 'malnourished Ethiopian children' let it down a bit - it's a somewhat cliched phrase whereas the concept itself is very original (to me, anyway).
Re: Visiting My Heart by drnick	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:52 AM
Darkly gothic, a couple of areas need a slight trim ('dirty seats', 'bullets to the sky' etc.) - mainly just word choice to keep with the very intricate theme. I do like the way that throughout this poem you give the description a stylish flourish to mirror the architecture. This is the sort of poem that a million goths would love to be able to write ;-)
Re: On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:36 AM
Wow, this damn near blew me away. Absolute killer opening, and the final two lines clinched it almost perfectly (I'd have preferred 'strange' instead of 'weird' - in keeping with the slightly traditional feel). Two other suggestions - line 7 is a bit bulky. In my opinion it would read better as simply 'Like the Starbucks'. Also, line 9 - I wouldn't bother with the first exclamation mark, just 'But oh - the light! The same light' appears better to me. This really shouldn't detract, though, from what is otherwise a fantastic piece of poetry.
Re: Ending Well by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:31 AM
The rhymes work well rhythmically in their individual sections, but the repeated shift from rhyme to non-rhyme is distracting. I'd prefer this if the rhyming was continued throughout, or removed. Still a good read though.
Re: Quatrain by ALChemy	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:26 AM
Yes indeed they are, which is why all the shit on this site has to be considered as 'poetry', whereas the title of 'poet' should rightfully be yours.
Re: Water by Caducus	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:22 AM
Love the idea behind this - 'I wanted to share that with you' gives this a really solid air of tribal storytelling. In general, I prefer names not to have quote marks around them (to me it disrupts the flow). Also, for some reason I'd prefer line 13 to read 'Madoowbe's mother fell sick' - I don't think you need 'when' at all there. Overall rather good though.
Re: Survivor by longships	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:14 AM
To me this is too long as a poem. If you were to turn it into prose it would work (and give you more scope for creativity). Alternatively, condense this until you're left with just the bare bones (removing a number of the pronouns would immediately cut this down). Dovina's much better than I at suggesting alternative ways of phrasing poetry so I won't try too much, but the gist of it is something like this: (stanza 4) Meals with my brother Another room No-one else No time In actual fact, that's probably more reduced than is necessary, but you see what I mean. Really, just go by the 'show, don't tell' idea. Give us the picture, let us work it out. At the moment it's very much your poem, your emotions. Turn it into our poem, our emotions - make us feel what you feel. Let me know if you revise this, I'd be interested to read any edits :-)
Re: Beyond Redemption by creepshow	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/2:05 AM
I thought I'd commented on your work before, but it seems I was mistaken. You've definitely got the inspiration for writing - you clearly know what you want to write about, darker feelings and thoughts. Having that sort of direction is fairly essential and I myself lack it on many occasions. What holds you back - in my opinion - is that you constrain yourself to talking about abstract things ('despise', 'hate', 'inner emotions' etc.) which, although comrehensible, seem very vague and sometimes basic. I mean, we all feel some of these things at some time - your job is to try and make us feel them here and now. This is where careful use of imagery and descriptive innovation comes in. For instance, I love 'Precious martyr, induce me father' but really dislike 'I hate your cheap absolution'. I'd love to see this less abstract and more tactile - you are certainly able enough :-)
Re: Drink and Swirl by MacFrantic	Ranger 86.131.57.9	26-Aug-06/1:55 AM
Superb, except for the final two lines which didn't seem right - I'm not sure why though. First five lines of each stanza are genius :-)