Re: Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Oct-06/12:23 PM
Nice, the wine/blood analogy isn't the most original but you work it well. Is Mary the recipient or a nurse (matron)? Could get rid of some of 'the' in a couple of places perhaps, I don't think it'll interfere with the rhythm. What do you mean by 'dear miserables'? Is it to people who've managed to guilt-trip you into donating, or am I missing something? 'My wholeness goes where needed' is lovely :-)
Re: weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.6	10-Oct-06/7:42 AM
Was this a group effort or a solo project?
Re: Innocence revisited by Caducus	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.6	10-Oct-06/7:39 AM
The only problem I have is (spastic).
Re: A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.6	10-Oct-06/7:35 AM
Would you like my 02?
Re: Islands by helenwales	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Oct-06/2:16 AM
Figure out a fix for the stresses and the rhythm, and this could work.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Oct-06/2:10 AM
Curios works fine as it is (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=curios) not only grammatically but also because it sounds Greek - which ties in nicely with the theme. I don't know where ALChemy is. Probably chasing his Muse, or maybe just working too hard at night.
Re: weather poem part 2: to do list by nypoet22	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Oct-06/2:05 AM
Amusing list, as a standalone it probably doesn't make for a great deal but with the whole collection I can see this working. Are you intending on publishing them in the near future, or further expanding, or neither?
Re: A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 195.229.242.86	10-Oct-06/12:41 AM
D... this piece could do with some editing. Sorry for no vote as I need to read this well. Don't know when I'll get the time for that. I've just scanned through and thought it needed fixing. Am having a whale of a time in the gulf. Terribly hot though... but it's fun. Will try to check in when I can.
Re: Valentine by zodiac	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	9-Oct-06/10:50 PM
i love the story, and the order in which you tell it. due to the nature of the scene i think you should consider losing some of the words with latin roots, in favor of more of the gutteral tongue. scared instead of alarmed, dodged instead of averted. the word Irish sounds weird in places. consider "mick" - though it's a semi-slur, the sound is so much firmer. also, it would add to the mood if you could shorten the sentences, pare every syllable you can. very enjoyable read.
Re: Flood Land, East Kentucky by zodiac	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	9-Oct-06/10:37 PM
nice use of hexameter. almost because of the old greek form, i'd look for this to be one of a series. i like the assertion of dialect straight from the first line. i can picture the scene.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	9-Oct-06/4:37 PM
It is I who am dim, it seems. I meant "undo." Thanks for nagging. Maybe I've caught dyslexia from Alchemy. Where is that dude anyway? Wow, I just noticed that "curios" should be "curious." (Knocks self on head)
Re: Islands by helenwales	Dovina 70.38.78.229	9-Oct-06/4:27 PM
The opening metaphor could work, I think, if you held true to the beginning. But islands that slip, past and future divided, uniqueness to just your lives, dreamed - these things don't seem to work.
Re: love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	helenwales 210.84.45.132	9-Oct-06/4:53 AM
dumped?
Re: He Cares So Little About His Self by Hostileintent	helenwales 210.84.45.132	9-Oct-06/4:35 AM
good stuff
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-Oct-06/2:22 AM
I still don't get what you mean - are you using 'undue' as a verb? Sorry for being dim, I'm not on top form at the moment.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.43.44	8-Oct-06/7:20 PM
Thanks for taking the time.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	8-Oct-06/6:59 PM
yes, i can tell the speaker wants to find God outside the rush and clutter of modern life; is that what you want to know? let's assume for the moment that someone does want to read this argument and might gain some meaning from it. you want to understand the source of my frustration with this piece? ask and ye shall receive: stanza 1: yes, many people who misunderstand what science is think it explains why everything exists. who are some of these people specifically, and why should anyone care about them? stanza 2: apparently the speaker didn't much care about who those misguided science people were either, because we cut straight to the dialogue with God, sans transition. the half-truths, simplifying twists, and manner of striving lack specific examples. do any exist? stanza 3: it's unclear whether the speaker is part of the administration and rules over dullards, or whether dullards who rule are a description of an as-yet unnamed administration. is scientist supreme a person? a title of nobility? an ice cream flavor? stanza 4: did you really mean "undue" (adjective) or "undo" (verb)? that line specifically doesn't make much sense as is. what sort of pretense? what sort of praise? haste doing what sort of work? carpentry? web design? tax law? stanza 5: the article "an" sounds awkward. people give praise, not "a praise," regardless of the adjective in-between. regarding the wing, is this an angel's wing? a chicken wing? a wing of a building? stanza 6: first two lines would be excellent, but the dreamer or the dream? i think that one's been done before. stanza 7: please, please name me a specific curio? a clue? anything at all that might be specific to something? stanza 8: interesting. to be free from certainty (or from lack of doubt if you like the double-negative), is exactly the essence of science, and anathema to most forms of religion. this idea would connect wonderfully to the beginning of the poem, were there some bridge in-between. barring any evidence to the contrary, a scientist must always assume the null set. unfortunately, in the case of this poem, so must i.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.43.75	8-Oct-06/5:14 PM
My purpose here is to write without sensory image, lacking thematic metaphor, and devoid of biting polemic or clever play of sound. My purpose, therefore, is to bore you. Having been duly bored and insulted, would you kindly go back and see if these lines make any sense.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.43.75	8-Oct-06/5:14 PM
If a person is angry at pretense, then perhaps that anger will undue it, off-rhythm or not. I get excited with unusual takes on devotional themes – a difference between us, I guess.
Re: A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	8-Oct-06/10:22 AM
Most effective poetry i've seen has at least one of a few things: a sensory image, a thematic metaphor, a biting polemic or a clever play of sound and language. to my eye, this piece has as yet developed none of these. Look back for a moment at your racism poem, which contained all four of the above (and was successful in raising a litany of responses). Consider how you successfully did all these things in that poem, which you thus far haven't done in this one.